AIBU to hesitate about daughter, boyfriend and baby moving in?

[DannyOD]

Okay - so this will be long so strap in.

My two DD’s (26 and 22) live with me and DH. They have never particularly got on and Dd2 dislikes Dd1’s boyfriend intensely. For reference Dd2 has AuDHD and finds him too loud and in your face. He also cheated on Dd1 6 years ago which she has forgiven but Dd2 hasn’t.

Dd1 has just announced that she is pregnant. She wants to move her BF in and live with us when the baby is born. DD2 is adamant that this cannot happen as she says there is not enough room (we can do it with a bit of shuffling about - there is more room at his parents house) and that she couldn’t bear to live with him and a baby and if we go ahead she will move out and live with my elderly Mum. She is spiralling a bit anyway as she has finished her Uni course this year and finds change really challenging.

I just don’t know what to do. I would love to have the baby here and help Dd1 but this is Dd2’s home too and I need to take her feelings into account too.

I wouldn't be ok with the boyfriend moving in but would let DD and baby stay. Could you say he can stay over a few nights a week and see how it goes?

Why did they choose to have a baby if they can't afford to house themselves?

What sort of grown adult chooses to start a family but dumps herself, her boyfriend and her baby back in her parents family home?

Are they going to pay rent? A new born baby and two adults will be a massive increase on your energy bills alone.

They chose to have a family they can house themsleves. I mean, where are they living now and why can't they stay there?

If you want to help then help them become independent.

Your DD's boyfriend is a lazy cheating arse. I wouldn't have him in my house either. I am afraid that once he is in, it will be tricky to kick him out.

They need to move into their own place. Once the relationship breaks down (and it will), you can have DD and the baby in with you.

I know it's shocking to some but babies aren't always planned.

You won't help her by agreeing to this. You'll help her by sending her on her way to be responsible for her own family, as an adult woman of 26. She needs to launch now.

This is a disaster waiting to happen. Lazy BF who DD2 hates and a new born baby in a crowded house? No. Forget what DD1 'wants'. Say you are prepared to let her and the baby stay until BF has worked to save for a desposit for their accomodation.

@DannyOD

Would it not be better for them to find a flat to rent, OP?

Does he work full-time?

Don't move a lazy man into your home.

She's already 26.She will likely be 27 when the baby is born and less than three years off 30.

She just expects to live, rent free indefinitely in her mother's house? What sort of sort of value system is that for a grown adult.

It might work out well for the younger daughter, if she goes to live with her grandmother then, i'm sure she will appreciate the company. May be the youngest will feel calmer in a house with only two people in it.

Don’t move this man in! He sounds horrible tbh - lazy, loud and in your face, and cheated on your dd. Sounds like he’ll be a very dominating presence if he moves in, and also drive you man by not pulling his weight with the baby.

Also would mean dd would end up more “stuck with” him when it inevitably goes wrong.

I would probably encourage dd not to move in with him outside your home either for the time being.

Absolutely not.
If he wants to live with his partner and baby then he'll need to find a place for them won't he?
If they all move in with you they'll never leave.

You are right that you can't tell another woman what to do with her body. However as her Mother you shouldn't be facilitating careless behaviour and foolish decisions. It is for your daughter and her boyfriend to deal with this situation not you. I assume they both work so they need to find a home. If they don't work then they both need to find jobs and a home. If they're not prepared to then they are neither fit or ready to be parents.

This 100%. They are going to raise a child and they need to start acting and living as grownups. Just make sure you are doing this for the right reasons, as in offering assistance for a short period of time rather than delaying the evitable "empty nest".

Help them get a place, pay the deposit but as parents they need to start living independently. Be careful you don't become an enabler.

They've been together six years don't have a place of their own and are now having a baby? If she lives with you where does he live? At his parent's house? Do they both work? It all sounds bizarre.

Oh god no, they need their own place. I was once your dd and I had my own dd and then dp living with my Mum and it actually just caused so much resentment all round and stopped me realising how truly awful dp was for much longer than it should have done because I had the support cushion of living at home. Off they pop.

I can't believe you're even considering this bollocks.

Your DD is an adult - she can move out and stand on her own two feet and raise her baby in her own house.

No I wouldn’t let them move in. Your daughter’s relationship with each other will suffer. Your relationship with DD2 will also suffer as you let them move in and thus causing her to move out. You’ll be expected to babysit while your daughter and boyfriend take advantage of the hotel of mum and dad. Your relationship with your husband may also suffer. What does your husband say? You can help your DD1 and her boyfriend by not letting them move in with you but help in other ways; financially, emotionally or practically. At their age they need to stand on their own 2 feet and if they can’t do that they shouldn’t be bringing a baby into their relationship. It’s time your 26 year old daughter started being an adult.

Having this baby will not magically change him into a man that is not lazy and annoying.
I would bet my house that you will be parenting this baby.

I wouldn’t do this as 2 nights are likely to become 3, then 4. Slowly he’s likely to move in. I bet his parents will be glad to see him gone.
Op says the couple have been together for at least 6 years, And he’s previously cheated on her and he’s lazy.

I would not agree to him moving in, unless they are both working and have firm plans about saving for a house deposit for example. I would also be less than happy with your younger DD's attempt to emotionally blackmail you - would your mother want her to stay and would it be beneficial for both?

Why would you move a man your ND DD hates into her home along with a screaming baby? I can’t imagine anything worse for her. It also sounds like you’ll all be on top of each other - you’re effectively doubling the size of the household. Your DD’s boyfriend is absolutely NOT going to step up. That ship sailed a long time ago. If your DD is old enough to have a baby she’s old enough to set up her own home. Help them with rent nearby for 3 months by all means, but doing foist a whole new family onto your DD (or you). The idea of the lovliness of a baby to care for is not the reality of teething, sleepless nights, laundry everywhere, 3 extra mouths to feed - etc. etc.

I can see your predicament and it’s lovely that you’d like to help DD1 but I don’t think it’s fair to move her BF in without consent from everyone who already lives there. DD2 will (rightly) feel pushed out if you allow this to happen. DD2 is also younger and DD1 has presumably been living with you and receiving your support for many more years already so it would feel very unfair. Newborns are also a lot of work and stressful. I don’t see this working at all. Unfortunately DD1 should have thought through the living arrangements before getting pregnant if they are both still with parents. I think they will need to live with his or get their own place together.

So the lazy boyfriend moves in, baby arrives, you are kept awake and end up doing more for the baby than lazy dad, you get fed up and ask them to move out because it's too much, your daughter is pissed off and you fall out. Meanwhile your other daughter left when the boyfriend moved in. All sounds like a great way to damage your relationship with both daughters.

Your daughter and her boyfriend have no business starting a family when they cannot afford to live independently.

Nope! She announced that she will be moving in with your mum if she doesn't get her own way?! Does your mum get a say?