How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

you dont repair it, he needed to learn respect @Pumpkinlatte1235

Also you clearly understand and follow your youngest cues when dysregulated and work hard to co regulate him. I think you need to view your eldest's behaviour through a similar lens. He's dysregulated in his own way.

Having been through NT and ND teen years sometimes you have to really bite your tongue and show gentle compassion as much as you can. I found when my NT teen struggled he needed less lecturing and telling off and more nurturing. Really bloody hard to do when they are pushing buttons but it did help.

He’s incredibly surly and snappy
as a teenager and I normally take it with a massive pinch of salt, so this was torally
out of character for me and it’s scared me and I want to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Do you possibly think that DS1 instead of you having a go at him about being “unkind“ to DS2 who you admit has been very challenging for the entire holiday, may have actually also needed a hug and somebody saying to him in the moment, at the airport , not afterwards , “I’m really sorry this has been so shit”.

Maybe I’m going against the grain here, but I think your eldest is enjoying watching you appologise and grovel. He has taken complete control of the situation. You need to be firm, you’ve apologised there’s nothing else you can do it’s up to him if he accepts or not that’s on him.

That is exactly what his dad has said (he is much much stricter
than me and I don’t think either boy would ever dare to swear directly at him)

@Pumpkinlatte1235 I agree with @Rainbowmum32

Neither you, nor the poster you are replying to seem to know what dysregulated actually means in terms of dusability if you think the term also applies to OP and her eldest. Her youngest self harms when he’s dysregulated - indicative of significant disability, as is the fact that she needs respite from caring. You don’t seem to grasp this and every time you post it’s to put the boot in. Maybe that’s why you’re getting your arse handed to you.

White possibly, but I’d spent 4
days asking him if he was ok/ wanted to talk/ do XYX and was met each time with no or f -off. By airport day 5 I was so so so fed up of being sworn at /
ignored and I’m 99% sure had I offered him a hug after he made fun of his little broth he’d have told me where to stick it.

I do feel for you though it is hard but I am also coming from the position of a sibling to a younger brother who was ND and had spectacular daily meltdowns growing up. It was not fun and actually I no longer have any contact - the family dynamic was just impossible to tolerate once I had a family of my own. Plus being told off as a 40 year old woman for inadvertently causing a wobbler in my reasonably high functioning (lives independently, holds down a job) db was the straw that broke the camel's back. Anyway I am projecting but as a mum of an ND child I'm on your side but as a sibling my heart goes out to your eldest.

The poor kid. Can you imagine how shit he feels? His brother is, to him, a PITA, and from his perspective, his brother has ruined the holiday, you've allowed it, and when he was unconsciously testing you to see "am I still loved" "am I still safe?" very much like a jealous toddler will do, you exploded, humiliated him and effectively chose your youngest - AGAIN.

Your youngest just started this behaviour a year ago, when your eldest was 13, so a really hormonal and formative age so it's been a very sudden change. Your eldest doesn't want to go to the young carers group because he doesn't want to be a young carer - why would he? He wants to have some parts of a normal life, which is why he goes to hang out with his friends when the respite people come - it's awkward for him.

What is your youngest's diagnosis OP? As he was pretty HF previously, it seems odd for him to have deteriorated so quickly and sharply - either way, you need to de-prioritise him for a bit, and prioritise your eldest, because the poor boy sounds so miserable and it's just not fair on him. For context I am AuDHD as is my 7yo, and growing up my younger sister was explosive, screechy and violent and ruined so much, and my mum massively pandered to and babied her, deprioritising me completely and seemed to resent me essentially having completely age appropriate emotional needs. Does your eldest get praised for “being good” / doing things himself / essentially not asking for much?

I’m not saying you are doing what my mum did, you seem like you’re trying hard, I just want you to know how bloody awful it feels on the other side. The one person you’re supposed to have be utterly on your side, the one person whose unconditional love you’re supposed to have - and she chooses someone else over you every time. It’s a big old emotional scar for me and again I’m not saying you are actually doing the same, I just want you to understand how he may be feeling and how serious this is at such a formative age for him.

Glad DS1 got to the Glasgow show, from what I heard it was amazing.

Typical medication for a child with tourettes, hopefully they can alter doses to reduce symptoms as much as possible. Obviously cousin is an adult but it wasn't until he was put on risperidone that he felt it was more controlled.

Do you have somewhere DS2 could try sensory deprivation? White noise, soft smooth surroundings (large soft play pads) in the dark where he can't hurt himself banging his head? Would he tolerate wrapping a weighted blanket around himself? Throwing himself into a massive pile of pillows? The pressure can help regulate. I know you've probably tried all of that.

Some people lack reading comprehension. We’re talking about a 14 year-old boy who was in tears in an airport. He hasn’t carried on mouthing obscenities at his mother. he did it in the moment in a very stressful situation in an airport. The same as she shouted at him in a very stressful situation in an airport. Why does she get a free pass yet but he is held to being a sulky, surly disrespectful teenager?

I’d be grateful for any tips, I’m terrified of exactly this happening😥

Exactly what l was thinking. No way would a child of mine swear at me and gaslight me into apologising for calling him out on it.

Possibly from a holiday spent trying to regulate your younger child in an unfamiliar place, while also managing your other child and feeling you’re not getting anything right while your extended family had the kind of holiday you hoped for and probably needed.

I’ve so been there, it feels impossible but it also needs to be possible.

When I’m in the weeds with my older child, I try moments with my younger (13), so I’ll make a breakfast I know is his favourite, send him silly memes (he rolls his eyes but…), give him a lift to school instead of the bus, drop a drink and a favourite snack up to his room, remember something he was chatting about and ask him about it, change his bedding without him stripping it and bringing it down (one of his chores), things that take a few minutes but that tell him he’s on my mind, I’ve noticed him and am mindful of him. It’s chipping away at the feeling he has that he’s second, even when my daughter needs more of my time and attention.

We have a code for him to let me know he needs my absolute attention, and I’ll make sure he gets that even if it means a late night, we have tv we watch together and while I know he finds it a bit cringy, he always turns up. It’s the small interactions that tell him he’s matters to me.

Why didn’t you deal with being ignored / sworn at each time it happened? Teenagers are like toddlers - they constantly push boundaries and need a thousand reminders. Ignoring it and then blowing up is completely unfair.

You didn't do anything wrong here. You're in an extremely difficult situation and you're not a saint. Your older child had other family around.

I have a very provoking AuDHD teen who loves holidays but can't fully cope with them. On about day 3 she is MEAN.

Just apologise and move on.

As the mum of two children, one with SEN, I just wanted to give you a big hug and let you know that you’re doing a great job in a really fucking shit set of circumstances.

You’ve apologised. You can do more on that front.

Would his dad support you in coming over and having a proper chat with him when your youngest is in respite? I know he prefers to go to his friends house, but can you insist that he stays in one evening for this to happen?

His behaviour is not acceptable, even though I understand the reasons behind it, and he needs to know that.

You can’t go back now, it’s done. Forgive yourself and find a way to move forward.

Because she’s the sole carer for another disabled child and was at the end of her tether ? And he doesn’t get credit for not carrying on mouthing obscenities, one was one too many and he deserved to be called on it.

Do you not think that was probably because he was really looking forward to a holiday and it wasn’t what he expected? I don’t know about you but I was fairly self centred at 14. And it sounds like he was actually really understanding that he didn’t have you around for most of the break.
how much did other family members make sure he was looked after? Or was he just broadly left on his own?

So what happens when your son is deregulated at his dad’s? How does dad deal with it and what happens with your other son while dad is supporting your younger child?

I do get, every night I stay up once ds2 is asleep and ds1 awake (hes a night owl) in case he wants me at all. I always go to pick him up /
drop him off if he wants that but mostly he is completely Independent with his friends. His brother is picked up by taxi for
school so I am always there to make him breakfast /
time with him then but he 99.9% doesn’t want to and sleeps until last minute. he just doesn’t seem to want to spend time with me which I know is normal teenage behaviour but I also know he feels pushed out so it feels impossible to fix.

Yeah, I’m guessing you’ve never been a teenager in a family where there is another family member with significant needs. He is allowed a tether end as well

His dad says the boys are fine with him. They only go 6pm-9am and ds2 masks as has the most horrendous meltdowns as soon as he closes my front door.