How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

You’ve offered counselling to your older child, what therapies have been offered to your younger child? I’d expect that a young child with such a high level of risk would have outside input, is he in school and managing there? While ND makes it tricky, therapeutic support can make a huge difference.

The ignorance you have of your Ds1s feelings and life experience is staggering too.

It takes time but the end goal should be self regulation. What steps are you taking? I've seen some therapies that use tics as the outlet so almost regulate via them. I've seen other strategies like certain movements or stimulation every 30 mins - hour to avoid dysregulation. I've seen safe spaces created that children go to and slowly learn to regulate.

If you're brutally honest, are there times when some of DS2s behaviour is choice? It's hard to differentiate and perhaps DS1 is seeing the choice.

This really. How often do you praise your elder DC for his patience. For understanding that life is difficult because of the younger one and that it isn’t his fault. Say it out loud, don’t assume he knows.

And praise him on the multiple times that he gets it right rather than going off on him, because he’s had a shit holiday too.

It was a nightmare for you and you were drained because of the younger one, but it was probably a nightmare for him too. Ditto everyday life. He’s living it alongside you. Awful for you, but not a great childhood for him either. Acknowledge that.

Do you know what triggered DS1 being unkind? Given what you’ve said about DS2 and his emotions on holiday, it doesn’t feel implausible that he did something that would have been really hard for a 14 year old on their own to deal with, resulting in unkind words. I understand how it happened but I don’t think DS1 should have been put in that position of “parenting” a child, who sounds like he was in a bad state, on his own.

He keeps saying no - I think you need some advice on how to help his see this is for his benefit. I don’t think that advice is best coming from you in the circumstances. I know it’s summer now but what do his school realky know about what’s going on? Can they talk to him (vs just you saying it’s available).

DS1 is in an absolutely critical life stage. You can’t ignore the signals he’s sending you.

It sounds like you’re doing everything you can. I’d just be there quietly waiting now. I might try one last “I know it’s crap so please just know I’m here if you want me”. I think lots of people underestimate how much teens need the tiny interactions. Not a whole day together, but a lift out or a pick up from his friend’s house. Making him a drink while he’s on his phone or telling him you’re watching xxx if he fancies joining you (which he’ll likely say no, but the effort is what matters).

He has a disabled brother he can see his mother is struggling and actively decides to make it worse even at home he is offered 121 time and doesn't want it how many neuro typical families give there children 121 time? I dont know of many that will do that your all mixed in together my friends kids are 18 months apart they have always done everything together as a family no specific days out with the eldest or youngest they just get on with it because thats life my dad had 5 brothers he shared his parents with he was still close with his parents

14 or not its wrong how he behaved its wrong how he is behaving the less you beg the less they will smirk about you begging

There’s absolutely no way you have any idea about parenting a child with SEND. What a stupid comment.

You didn't do anything wrong - you showed him that his disrespect and rudeness doesn't get him anywhere. He'sesrnt a lesson. Let him sulk. I could never have imagined swearing at my mother and living to see another day. You are teaching him that your patience has a limit.

He has a psychiatrist, psychologist and SEND support at school.

When you have children with differing needs you need to make time for each of them. Children with disabilities need so much of their parents time the other child/children get crowded out and overlooked, unless you’re intentional about ensuring they have time with you.

Are any of the remaining dates for Calvin Harris' UK tour close enough to you that you could get your son tickets?

Is your youngest on medication for tourettes? My cousin has an Aspergers diagnosis (that's what it was when he was diagnosed) and Tourettes. He's been on a few anti psychotics to help with the tics.

Really REALLY appreciate the comments from those who understand this life, I wish I it was different, I wish I didn’t have to physically
stop my child from hurting himself, I wish he had just one friend he could go to for a play date so I could have a cuppa or a Starbucks with DS1. But he doesn’t, I don’t have a DH so we are where we are.

@Pumpkinlatte1235i think you should ask for this thread to be deleted and reposted on the SEN board. Nobody here has a bloody clue.

fwiw, I do think you need to apologise for shouting but I think you can do that by sharing your disappointment that the holiday wasn’t what any of you really wanted it to be, and that your disappointment meant you had less partience. But I would expect an apology in return too.

Sorry OP but your oldest child doesn’t “know deep down” that you love him equally, if you don’t show him.

@Pumpkinlatte1235 you have told DS1 you love him and he knows that. You have apologised for losing it. But he was in the wrong and the mouthing silently is provocative and unacceptable. You have apologised; he still hasn’t. If you keep messaging, he has control. I know it is hard but he needs to come to you.

He actually went to the Glasgow one last week as his birthday present! I offered to go to but he looked like he was about to vomit in his mouth at the idea of going with me so went with a friend and we stayed in a premier inn adjoining room and I slept with ds2 in one and ds1 and his friend in the other one and we just kept the adjoining door locked.
he LOVED it. 🥰

Sorry
missed the second half of your message! Yes he’s on guanafacine, clonidine and aripriprazole.

Have you considered asking for your younger ds to be assessed with PANDAS if his tics and increased dysregulation was a sudden onset after a viral infection?
Harder to diagnose when there is already ND because of the overlap in behaviours but not impossible?

Hindsight is a wonderful thing but given the tense relationship I wouldn't have sent them off together in the airport. I have an NT and an ND child. It's a tough balance but I always tried not to put them both in situations out of the home that put the NT one under stress. Maybe you youngest was having tics in the shop and your eldest was embarrassed. Not ok to push and tease but the lad is clearly really struggling. I think you need to give him as much space as you can from the youngest even for seemingly small things like sending them off into a shop together.

You seem a bit fatalistic about it all. An apology isn't cutting it because he knows his needs won't be prioritised.

I don’t know how else to show him 🤷‍♀️

In every family I know a parent has, at some point, dropped everything to support a child. Often multiple times for each child. The most recent example was my sister letting her 5yo son watch 2 hours of TV so she could chat with her daughter (who clearly needed someone to talk to). This is normal family life - one child sometimes takes a back seat so the parent can focus on the other. With a high-needs sibling that sort of “drop everything to prioritise you” often isn’t possible. And that’s super hard for everyone.

Also, a 14yo being expected to work around his mum’s hardship is exactly the sort of problem children should not be required to deal with. Young carers and children with high needs siblings are recognised as needing additional support for precisely those reasons.

Interesting! He was assessed at great cost but I was told it is AuDHDand Tourette’s not pandas following bloods/timeline.
he is out with friends all day, and youngest is home all day mostly so they spend little time together.

JFC. I have delivered my teen some home truths today and I do not regret it. You can’t mope about mouthing swearwords at people and expect them just to keep merry weather!

I don't think you've done anything wrong and it sounds like you've been in an absolutely awful situation. You shouldn't have to put up with a surly teenager mouthing obscenities at you. It's abusive, even if it comes from your child, and you did right to tell him off. And I speak as someone who was an appallingly surly teenager.
Honestly, I just want to put my arms around you and tell you it's going to be ok. Lots of love xx

Thank you. It was SO unlike me. It was like id been possessed. I am normally patient, quiet and head down. No idea where the red mist came from.

This made me cry. A hug would be so lovely right now. Thank you.