How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

He's not 'actively decided to make it worse' - you have no idea what was going through his mind.

But it's likely he was struggling - just like his mum was. Its unreasonable to expect him to be more adult because his brother has additional needs and because his mum is struggling. You could expect another adult to step up, but not a child.

All families i know manage to give their kids a little 1-2-1 time. It doesn't need to be much, big days out etc, but they do need it.

They all tried to talk to him / engage him but he wasn’t interested. He’d do bare minimum “morning/ night “ and nothing more than that with them.

Sorry to hear you had a terrible time.

Holidays are not all they're cracked up to be with ND kids.

We decided to stay at home this year.

Take the rest of the school holidays to breathe. Don't put any pressure on the children to do anything. The atmosphere will repair over time.

You need to ensure some one to one time with your older child. Rebuild the relationship.

Good luck. You'll be fine.

X

I have only read the first and last page of the thread but just wanted to say how much I feel for you. I have lost it with my DC in much less trying circumstances and I know how horrible it feels. That sounds like an incredibly difficult holiday for all of you. And 14 year olds are tricky at the best of times. Please be kind and compassionate to yourself - as I am sure you would be if a friend told you about this.

In your shoes I would try to have an honest postmortem with DS1 at some point when you are home and have decompressed. I'd be honest about how difficult the holiday was for everybody and ask him what might make things easier in future. What kind of holiday would he enjoy?

Gosh OP you’re really giving yourself a hard time here.
your reaction at the airport was far from ideal, very human and also not a regular occurrence and you have apologised profusely.
what’s done is done and your sons behaviour was really out of line. It’s ok for him to feel
fed up, frustrated, resentful, angry, unseen, maybe even embarrassed in front of the other family but it’s not ok to speak to you like he did and that’s all down to him being a kid and not knowing how to understand his own feelings or communicate them.
do you get any support in helping have those difficult conversations with him where he can feel truly heard?
youre in such a difficult position spinning very tricky plates and trying your absolute best clearly, you cant spend your life apologising for things that are out of your control.
What might he happening now is that DS realises, maybe even subconsciously, that he has more of your attention than ever right now while he prolongs the issue between you now. Have you reassured him that your apology doesn’t mean you will forgot his needs and how he must have been feeling for the holiday? I’d say he’s well and truly fed up after all of it and will need some time to come down from that and is likely seeking some control right now.
good luck OP, you sound like a wonderful parent who was pushed over the edge, make sure you get some rest and self care in for yourself xx

That’s very kind, thank you.
his ideal holiday is with his friends. Not a family holiday.😥

14 can be a tough age at the best of times. It sounds like he has good friends, maybe he had FOMO being away from them. Or maybe he got a message that upset him. It may be less to do with you than you think. He will be happier and easier in a couple of years. Don't be hard on yourself. It's not nice but fights happen. You both will get past this.

I think asking was your mistake, I’m guessing he knows that even if he’s not ok there’s nothing you can do because your younger son has first pull in your time. You need to find ways in without him feeling he needs to talk - a joint task, buying him a cold drink, playing a card game, anything that builds connection without him needing to ask. Even if he’s grunts his way through it, he’ll know you’re spending time with him for the sake of it rather than because you’re trying to cheer him up or tick a box. I know that’s not how you mean it, but just doing something kind for him unprompted and without expectation is so important.

That is so kind. I don’t feel like a wonderful mum at all, quite the opposite. Feel I get it wrong most days for them both.

Bloody hell so the ex only has them for 15 hours, during which theyre mostly asleep?

What a delight he is. That must be incredibly upsetting to DS2 routine as well.

Sorry OP, this is so much for you to manage alone. 💐

I try this, I’ll go onto his room with nice snack and ask if I can sit down and just start a chat and he’ll be fine for a while then say ok I need to take this call so please can you leave?

Yes he’s not the nicest egg in the box. Thank you for being so kind.

Their dad really needs them more than one night. I'm aware you said he is strict and set in his ways so is he ND too? The fact DS2 can control his behaviour at his dad's then returns to meltdown as soon as he is back with you will only reinforce to DS1 that it is behaviour he can control.

You must have the patience of a saint. I would have exploded much sooner. Do not feel bad. I hope he’s learnt an important lesson about general manners and his lack of them.

Go and say one last time that your door is open if he wants to talk to you. Don’t be meek and say no more sorries. He needs this lesson now or he’ll become insufferable when older.

He feels unseen. Make him feel seen.

Give yourself a break OP! Who on this earth could manage your situation perfectly?? Nobody!!
Get your own oxygen mask on first and talk to yourself like you would your best friend. As cheesy as that might sound, it’s absolutely imperative for all of you that you look after yourself x

@Pumpkinlatte1235 so DS1 also thinks DS2 ‘plays up more’ for you because he masks at his Dad’s and he’s probably thinking DS2 is doing some of it on purpose. Whereas if Dad had them more, he’d probably see it happen there too …

Not at the expense of his mother, who’s trying to do her best in a very difficult situation. Are you just not bothering to read what OP is posting about the time she offers to spend with him, which is constantly refused ? The fact that his brother has significant needs is no-one’s fault but OP is getting a kicking here from posters who seem to want her to split herself into two.

You write a lot about offering him your time (when his brother doesn't need it), which could feel to him like you're doing it out of obligation.
Can you book something you know he'd like, or at least ask him to spend time with you?

Is this the first time a holiday has been like this? He probably felt alone and a bit awkward. I would have been at 14.

If his ideal holiday is with his friends work out how to facilitate that. I think he maybe needs that and that’s you putting his needs first.

Don’t sit down and chat, just drop off the drink and the snack, don’t give him the chance to reject you - just very light touch but present and thoughtful.

He needs unconditional love, which doesn’t mean accepting disrespect but meeting him where he’s at just now. He too is doing his best, he doesn’t know how to navigate your younger child’s needs any more than you do, and he has needs and pressures of his own. Keep being a consistent, kind but boundaried presence.

Brilliant!
😊

Oh I've messed up plenty over the years and am still doing some repair work with my young adult son. I was definitely too shouty at times. I stop my self now and think "would I speak to younger sibling like this?" answer is usually no I would show more patience. I cut eldest more slack because I think accidently over the years expectations were higher. I don't try and force them to spend time together but I don't tolerate him making fun either. I try and do little things such as sliding Greggs sausage roll or Mcdonalds into his room when youngest is out. Just little treats that are only for him. Now he is older he will come out for a drive and lunch with me so we do spend time together regularly and talk.

I would see if you can get your ex on board for a bit of divide and conquer. Your ds needs time away from his brother whether that's with you or his dad or his friends. I know he doesn't want to talk to you now but honestly keep gently showing him your there, suck up the rejections and he will come round. He is also in prime teen arse phase so it's common for them to shut themselves off.

The point that you seem to have misunderstood is that this is often an impossible situation for all parties? I’m not trying to point a finger or blame anyone. I’m just saying that everybody potentially can be in a shit place in this situation. But the onus surely must be on the adults to try and make it better for the the children , not the other way round

Have a grown up conversation about how you know it was wrong and its not appropriate to behave like that etc...but you sound like you are begging him and grovelling which you dont need to do.