How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

They might say that; it might not be what's best for them.

Was that determined recently?

Their father won't take them separately so there is no one at all that prioritises the 14 year old. Your response to him doing the only thing he really could to get your attention over his brother was to publicly humiliate him and aggressively grab snacks from him @Pumpkinlatte1235. He hasn't spoken to you for 2 weeks, that isn't normal teenage behaviour. You have a very damaged child.

You've apologised. He isn't accepting that. How are you going to repair this relationship before you don't have the chance to any longer? What are your 14 year olds interests? What do you do to build a relationship between your children that doesn't focus on the youngest?

I love them equally but I can’t offer them equal time because one has much higher needs. I simply don’t know what to do.

Well that’s exactly my OP.

His interests are going out with friends to the park/ city centre, each other’s houses (including here)

Have you explicitly told your older child that you know it’s shit for him, you wish it could be easier, he deserves it to be better?

So many times. he just nods and says he knows and goes back to his phone.

I think it’s telling that the extreme dysregulation/tics etc are recent. So DS1 is dealing with a lot of change, after having to deal with a lot of “secondness” for years. Have you talked to him about the impact on him? It’s an awful lot to deal with for a 14 year old. Also I know you were stressed but he probably was as well so it wasn’t a great idea to send a highly disregulated DS2 into a shop with DS1.

I actually think DS1 needs a lot more support than you are understanding. His life is being hugely impacted at a very key stage in his life. Is there a way for you to access counselling for him?

Being honest with yourself do you hold him to a higher standard than your other child? I’m guessing you’d never have screamed at your younger child like that because of, reasonable, fear that he’d hurt himself. Which means your only outlet for your own frustration is your older child. It can also be hard to know what’s behavioural and what’s developmental so I’m guessing your younger child gets more leeway?

The reason for asking is because u fell into that trap, my older child has very complex needs, my younger doesn’t in the same way. I caught myself holding him to a different standard because he doesn’t have her challenges and at times letting things slide with her. I’ve had to really adjust that - they both need different parenting but the standards are as similar as possible. I’m also very careful not to take my frustrations out on the less vulnerable of the two.

Did you discipline your younger child for lying about being hit?

Does he view these things as you telling him he is wrong for feeling that he is second best? All these things are focused on his brother or ways to make him accept he's not a priority to you and another way to get him out of your way so you can spend more time with his brother.

I don't know how people with kids with special needs even catch flights , what is the point, to stay in a room all day....there is so much freedom, life and joy the UK can give ...about the behaviours, you did ignore your older son....I mean, it is all yours anyway, in the family...not sure did it need posting about it on here.

Yes it’s offered through school and he’s said no. And I’m not trying to sound defensive but Ds2 was not dysregulated going into the shop, he was happy and calm and excited to choose a plane snack. He got upset when DS1 was unkind to him.

Your poor DS1, he's second fiddle everywhere.

DS2 needs to be taught more self regulation strategies. It's neither healthy nor long term viable for you to be his only coregulator. I'll bet there are times when DS1 is desperate for you and gets "just a minute while I xyz for DS2".

special needs kids shouldn’t catch flights?
wowwwwww.
If you don’t see the point in my post, scroll on by,
you are the epitome of “LET THEM”

That’s probably the best you can hope for. Most of his childhood has been taken over by his sibling’s needs and he can’t get that time back. And realistically, even if you did build a bond what is likely to change? Are you magically going to prioritize him more? Or will life carry on as is?

Op, two things can be true at the same time.

you are only one person and if your youngest is having a meltdown you need to be with him

and

your eldest is clearly not having his emotional needs met.

it seems quite likely that you can’t do any more. But equally that doesn’t stop the second statement being true.

I have been in a similar situation. All I can offer is keep reaching out to your eldest.

others are saying that when they were 14 they recognised the strain on their parents etc etc. my son did recognise those but he also saw the reality which was that he was second. And in practice that meant non existent.

your eldest is old enough now that he’s getting validation and belonging from a peer group. But it will hurt him, that he feels second best.

You can’t do anything in practice to help. Your youngest clearly has severe needs and has to be put first. Keep trying to be there for both of them.

It's also pretty normal for siblings to have minor disagreements. It's developmentally expected as part of learning how relationships work. It sounds like DS2 told a false tale and you instantly believed it and went crazy on DS1....how many other times has that happened? Has DS1 had to live on eggshells in case he accidentally sets off DS2 with normal actions? That's not a nice life for DS1.

If you can come up with a winning “strategy” to teach ND people self regulation in a state of dysregulation with Tourette’s and self harm you will be immensely successful.
the ignorance on here is staggering.

It’s not about equal time, it’s about equal attention and understanding. You have my huge sympathies because I can’t even begin to imagine how hard this must be to navigate but his needs can’t be totally second to those of DS2. And that’s not all on you. All family need to try and step up. I suspect this holiday was planned without a real understanding of the shift in DS2s issues.

Hopefully someone more knowledgeable than me can help point you in the direction of people who can help. It sounds like all of you are under enormous pressure and are at breaking point. Now is the time to fight for help for all of you, not just DS2. And that includes help for you.

What does he do when he's with his friends? What do they talk about? What does he read/watch/listen to on his phone? You don't know any of his interests just with whom he spends time.

I will continue to offer him all the time and love in the world while caring for his brother, not sure what else I can do?

Bless you. I only have one child, he has his challenges and he does stuff like this, and yes I've lost my shit in the same way. Feel terrible afterwards but we are only human.

You are dealing with 2 so I can't even imagine how hard it is. You have my sympathies.

Tik tok, Calvin Harris, clothes brands, scooters. normal teen boy stuff that he finds hilarious if I try and chat about as a mum.

But he will still come second
He’s given up OP and the crap holiday and showdown in the airport was the last straw.

Op I totally get it. I have a teen with ASD and she becomes hugely dysregulated, particularly on holiday and I'm the only one that can calm her down. This does mean while I'm regulating her my other dcs are without me. It's not easy but I've not found a magic wand that means I can be in two places at once. It's not as though I'm having a great time while mentally trawling through my backlog of tricks to try and calm dd, in most cases I'm an anxious mess myself internally precisely because of the fact that I'm having to get again put all my focus on her. I am lucky that I am not a single mum and it's hard enough as it is without the fact you have sole responsibility. All I can say is give yourself a bloody break, your adrenaline will have been through the roof the whole holiday and frankly if my dc had mouthed fuck you to me like that I can't be sure I wouldn't have done the same. It will blow over and when it does I would apologise because two wrongs don't make a right but I'd also be making it clear you are not super human and you snapped. It happens. Go easy on yourself