How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

respite Carer is very experienced and I’d say it took around 5 months for Ds2 to tolerate him coming in for 4
hours a week. I work closely with Ds2 stellar team of neurology, psychiatry, CAMHS and psychology both from a clinical and therapeutic perspective. It will get worse through puberty so nothing will improve any time soon (sadly).

Love this, you are so right!

I actually feel sorry for the poor older kid as he gets whatever time the youngest doesn’t want.

OP - there is nothing wrong with saying to your parents/brother, “I’m taking oldest out, youngest won’t like it and might kick and scream but that’s ok because he will soon learn to settle for others with practise”. By offering to sit on the balcony and talk, you’re telling your oldest that he is a second thought.

Stop offering him little bits of time you have free from your youngest and arrange a day out that he will truly enjoy, a theme park or gaming centre or something. Leave youngest with a safe adult, even if he has meltdowns as your oldest needs to see you be fun, loving and HIS mum too.

I was never the golden child and I’ve cut all contact with my own Mum since being an adult as I realised how much my siblings were favoured and it impacted my view of myself for years and years.

This is what I dream of.

Agree,there are so many people who have replied who don’t have a clue about managing a ND child ! Thankfully my children understand why even as adults I tend to focus on one in particular..they completely get it and are thankful that they are NT !

I offer it, he doesn’t want to. He hates theme parks, gaming, anything “child like”. He likes shopping with mates in town and hanging around with mates grabbing food. I can honestly say I’ve suggested every activity known to mankind and he looks at me with horror at prospect of being seen out with his mum.
ETA id say I’m a fairly standard 45 year old Mum, nothing glam, nothing overtly horrifically embarrassing.

I do need to add- an ND nervous system dysregulation collapse is nothing like a “tantrum” that will magically stop if ignored. IYKYK.

I have a teen who behaves exactly like this when she feels she’s been wronged in some way. She can keep the ignoring going for weeks and it’s so, so hard to deal with. I find that if I’m polite over a period of days to her she eventually softens slightly, but I hate it and you have my every sympathy OP. As a single mum it must be particularly upsetting for you.

That’s incredibly kind, thank you.

Not awful. Entirely understandable in the circumstances and your DS has learned a good lesson about his rude behaviour and its consequences. Wait for him to apologise.

OP you don't seem to be grasping that:

No you cannot change that his brother has disabilities

Yes you CAN change the way you respond to those disabilities.

You cannot possibly continue to be the only person who can ever meet DS2's needs. It's not fair on DS1, it's not fair on DS2 and most of all it's not fair on you.

DS2 is not a little piece of flotsam who is totally powerless and a slave to his emotions, who cannot be expected to begin to learn strategies of self regulation. In fact it's imperative for the good of your whole family that he begins to be taught different ways of managing strong feelings. Assuming he does not have severe learning disabilities, he's capable of learning.

Going back to the 4 ways to solve a problem I outlined earlier:

1. Ask for help - you won't do this as you are insistent that you and only you can coregulate him. Deep down, does being needed do much meet a need in you? Being a rescuer? I had to recognise this in myself. I felt special that I was the only one who understood my son. It wasn't helpful to perpetuate that, it took me a long time to recognise.

1. Do it a different way - this is what I am begging you to do. Your son will have meltdowns. Try managing them a different way. Be proactive not reactive. Teach him the size of a problem. Teach him the size of a response. Model problem solving. Praise moments of self regulation.

1. Negotiate/compromise - you think you are doing this with your older child, but you aren't because it's still "when time allows". He needs moments where he isn't expected to negotiate and compromise, where he comes first.

1. Leave it and come back to it later ,- you gave been doing this, and it's resulting in an 12 year old who if you aren't careful will be an actively dangerous 15 year old, and a 14 year old who will vote with his feet. Please stop using this particular strategy in this case.

Do things differently. Autism and AUDHD absolutely does not mean "I can't help it". It means "I need MORE time and MORE active help to learn better skills".

I think people are talking about the younger son, not the older son. He appears to be more regulated at his dads.

Of course there is nothing you can do about the disabilities - but there is something you can do about how you handle ds2 - if you have anyone that is willing to help a few hours even if he isn't thst used to them you have a responsibility towards your ds1 too. He is the one u will hopefully have a relationship with one day. Ds2 is not your first priority- they both are a priority and all your messages.... every one of them suggests you only give time and attention to your ds1 when the other is getting respite. You should look into going away with only your ds1 for example and doing other things only with ds2. Undivided attention at different times

But neither is it a hopeless case where nothing can be done, OP. You seem convinced that your younger son has no agency. This is really not right, it really isn't.

Telling your child off is not being dysregulated FFS!!!!

10000% this!!!

Ah - apologies.

You seem rather fatalistic about things - it must be extremely hard for you but you seem blasé about your older son being second place. You have to show him he is important, not just say it. Even the respite time, that is only because his brother isn’t there. Why should he have to fit in?

OP please listen to @DrRuthGalloway
She talks a whole heap of sense. I have substantial professional and personal experience in this field, and your codependency with DS2 is not helpful to either of you. He can, and must learn some self regulating strategies and have other people who can help him.
Your choices with DS1 will become more and more stark, alcohol/ drug addiction or he will totally remove himself from your family as he ages are the 2 most likely outcomes.
Please, and I am not denying life is super hard for you, have a look back at your responses. You are very defensive of your actions re DS1, true apologies start from I am sorry, I was in the wrong, with no buts.

He deserved it

What if no one will help with DS2? Everyone is implying that help has been refused but maybe there was never any help available?

OP- I don’t know how you’ve stayed so calm. I’m seeing dozens of people here offering to look after your DS2 whilst you offer your DS1 more opportunities to refuse to spend time with you. As an added bonus, lots of ignorant people will get some much needed experience of dealing with ND children.

Not replying personally to you! DS2 is not more
regulated at his dad’s, he is reluctant to go and masks there and comes home and has epic meltdown as here is his safe space.

Personally, I would put the guilt to the side. Your child shouldn’t be smirking at you and much less so muttering “fuck you” to his mother or anyone else. Even if the younger had not been telling the truth.

Today he learned that his mum is human and that if he presses her buttons out of fun, he will get the response that he deserves.

So don’t even think on going to apologise to him, he cannot be swearing at you and expects you to keep being the martyr and walking all over you. He may be sulking but he has learned a lesson today.

That’s very kind, I have no one. Kids Grandparents live 5 hours away, brother 3 hours away but busy with his own young family and I have no friends IRL as my life is so insular, I have a respite carer in once a week and in that time DS1 doesn’t want to spend time with me doing anything. I genuinely don’t know what else to do.

I don’t think I’m being defensive, I’m just saying some of the well-meaning suggestions simply aren’t practical with my family set up (sadly)

Op if you could go back in time and chsnge 1 thing what would it be? I mean still having your current set up but what would you change or do differently? That's usually a good starting point to look at steps that might be impact full. "If I could do this all over again I would....". Sometimes the answer is quite enlightening