How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

I suspect that you actually need a block of respite.

He’s vulnerable and frustrated because he has needs that aren’t being addressed. That’s not OP’s fault but it doesn’t change the facts. He’s 14 - he can’t be expected to handle his emotions around this like a mature adult, because he isn’t one. Neither is he a little shit.

The same authorities who are so critically underfunded etc etc? I wouldn't expect them even to pick it up given the pressures on services, and if they did they're seeing a child who is documentedly regularly headbanging with... a bruise on his head... from head banging. Nobody can physically stop an individual from SH from SH 100% of the day every day and to imply so is ridiculous - and more fool the authorities if they'd actually punish OP for failing to do so.

I'd actually be advocating in that conversation for more intervention for S2 as he obviously needs other strategies urgently. Unless you have insight that the authorities would, what, ship a single mother of two off to jail for being imperfect in an impossible situation?

Good luck OP in getting him to forgive you. It's not going to happen until he's ready though I'm afraid. I feel for you and the position you are in but to your eldest son, you do prefer your younger son. All your time is spent with him, looking after him, making sure he's safe, I wonder if you have ever paused to see that your eldest is screaming out for that same attention, you need to find a solution and quickly before your eldest starts to display risky behaviour, since he's learning that's how his brother gets your attention.
I really hope he doesn't start self harming himself or finding solice in drugs/alcohol etc but unfortunately many teens who feel pushed out do these things. His mental health is just as important as your younger sons, you need that balance and you need it now.

I do think there needs to be more intervention for DS2 - his needs have changed in recent months. But if OP’s description of what actually happens during these meltdowns is accurate that will also be documented and if he ends up hospitalised because he’s hurt himself OP could face some potentially awkward questions. I agree that the outcome may well be more support but it seems a very risky way to go about it - both for her and for DS2.

I think we need to be careful as well regarding the terminology of self harm. What the OP is describing could well be sensory seeking behaviours or self injurious actions stemming from the meltdown but they don't necessarily amount to self harm. Self harm suggests a level of intentionality that if it is present would suggest a CYP who is not out of control.

Correct.

What if you came in without a snack or bribe and had a sincere chat? What if you love him and also have high expectations of him, acknowledge what he does well, and are prepared to tell him when a behavior isn't acceptable? It seems he needs your love and firm boundaries from you.

I don't have a teenager, but should being a teen be some ongoing excuse for poor manners? Does being a teen mean he needs to be placated and bribed, instead of being both loved and held to high expectations?

I’m sorry you had a rubbish holiday.
I have ND children and I’m ND myself, it’s like a pressure cooker at times so I can totally empathise.
When things are calmer have a chat. You’d wanted (and needed) a relaxing holiday and that’s not what any of you got. You explain that the disappointment, tiredness, stress and guilt became overwhelming and you lost your temper. It’s very human and it’s very normal to not handle things well 100% of the time, acknowledge you handled it badly and apologise.
However, your son also needs to acknowledge his behaviour wasn’t good. At 14 he has an understanding of what’s going on and teasing his brother, being sullen, difficult and disrespectful exasperated an already difficult situation.
Explain that as a family, you need to work together and support each other. Kindness and respect are non negotiable.

I may be told that I'm speaking out of turn and I don't want to distress you, but I need to ask this. You've indicated that things are becoming harder as DS2 becomes bigger. Is there any mechanism by which you and the social work department can start to plan for the future?

I'm thinking in terms of some kind of assisted living accommodation for DS2.

One of my school friends was one of three daughters. In their case, it was the eldest sister who was autistic.

The parents always refused to consider anything other than care within the family until the father died and the other two daughters became ill..

In the end, the mother agreed to consider assisted living accommodation for the eldest - and she was very happy there.

Is your child with Children with Disabilities Team because they usually offer some respite. Young people are easily humiliated so telling to F off and shouting at him in a public place was wrong he is a child. I understand your frustration though and he shouldn't swear at you

I think that depends on the area. We get no respite even though we're on our knees and have begged for help. Apparently DS isn't a priority and there's no respite available anyway. Of course it's not the same in every area.

Honestly you should not have let it happen. There is already a major issue and then this, yeah, no good. ODS should go live with dad IMO.

DS1already thinks he comes behind his brother’s needs and OP doesn’t make enough time for him. How do you think packing him off to live with his dad would make him feel ? It certainly wouldn’t help. And OP has already said there was significant court involvement with her ex so it doesn’t sound as though he would be open to DS1 living with him.

Yes it can be, it can be about habits, behavioural dynamics and expectations. When children come into care and we hear all about how great they are at school but have meltdowns at home, that changes after coming into care, school could well be very triggering for lods of kids but they tend then to act out at school, the place that triggers it but at home they are more manageable.

In any other circumstance we would say the behaviour we see in front of us is telling us something about the here and now. For some reason this gets changed for children on the spectrum.

How about offering to take his friends to golf or cinema etc, maybe not 1:1 but youre offering an olive branch.

I find my eldest is starting to be similar, except if I offer to take him where he really wants to go, he turns into a small child again. Just find out where that is.

So on this, presumably originally the carer must have been new to DS2, and therefore would not have been an acceptable person. How did he get from the carer not being an acceptable person to being an acceptable person? Is it replicable?

Or are there any techniques that can be used to support him learn to regulate better. It is obviously a very sudden worsening of his disabilities, but also as he goes through puberty the physical risk he poses to himself and to others, very much including you, will grow massively. So if there's any way of working with the MDT it sounds like he's supported by to look at techniques to deal with this, I think it would be very worthwhile.

It must just be a complete nightmare though OP, I really do see that. Because you feel like you're constantly letting someone down, you probably haven't had a real break in years, I imagine you're exhausted and you get essentially zero help from his father. Anyone can run out of patience in those scenarios.

I also think that, no matter how much sympathy I have for DS1, it is absolutely unacceptable to be telling you to fuck off. I remember occasionally being turned away from my parents and mouthing it at the wall when I was at my maddest but I would never have sworn at them. And it's okay to say "I lost my temper and my behaviour was inappropriate but it is also totally unacceptable to swear at me. I know it's really hard with the situation with your brother but the swearing stood now. That's a boundary I should have put in place before now, but I'm putting it in place now." and then instigate any punishment you deem appropriate if it continues. Because ultimately teenagers push boundaries, and it's important that those boundaries are there, and that they're firm so they know that where they're pushing against won't move.

Well there’s obviously not a lot of parents with experience of ND children on this thread. It’s hard. Really bloody hard. At 14 a child’s brain is far from fully developed but they can be expected to show some empathy and reasoning.
I can’t believe when the OP said she felt like never going away again, the response was that she was denying her older child experiences. What about the feeling of not being able to cope? The crushing reality that there is no right answer or easy fix.
Is anyone wondering how OP is after spending the week in the hotel suite with a deregulated child?

Just sounds like a normal teenager to me. Stop apologising, essentially he fucked around and found out.

He has the opportunity to go out with his 9000 friends anytime other than respite time, so you would not be depriving him of his precious social life by arranging something for you both during it and telling him that’s the plan for the day.

Toughen up ❤️

obviously I hope he doesn’t become an addict too when there is nothing I can do about him having a brother with disabilities 😥

He acted rudely in the airport and got told off. It doesn’t mean he needs to go and live with his dad!! The replies to this blow my mind.

Well his choice, just like the rejected days out and time with his Mum

Implying that a sibling may become caught ip in self harming behaviours is just so unfair.
This mother is under so much stress, how is that helpful.
I have unfortunately had a wealth of experience of being the one ‘pushed out’ and also severe and long term drug abuse in the family and there is no correlation for us. Of five siblings, the two that have fallen to addiction for twenty years plus are the golden child and the ND one that didn’t have her needs understood or met.

The more you apologise, the more he thinks his behaviour was acceptable, regardless of the context. Just tell him one on one how you feel and what drove you to that point, if he's got any conscience he'll understand/appreciate even if he doesn't sympathise. FWIW I probably would've told him to fuck off days ago. Teenagers are largely vile. Please don't beat yourself up about it, he probably doesn't even care and will be milking it the more you apologise.

He doesn’t want the respite time because, I know it’s all you’ve got, but it’s not time you’ve carved out for ds1, it’s time ds2 doesn’t have you that you’ve offered to him instead. By hook or by crook, you need to find a way for dad or other relative to have ds2 for a one off on a random day that’s not the usual scheduled one and do something important for ds1. It’s a shame he’s already seen Calvin Harris as that would have been perfect. Second best would be something personal to him like an award’s evening if he got invited to one. Something that is about celebrating him that he wouldn’t expect to get to spend with you giving him full attention. I wouldn’t offer it, I would just say ‘I’m excited about X, I’ve arranged for ds1 to be with dad/grandparents etc. so I can just focus on you today’.