How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

Long thread

You werent wrong

Why do you think it was wrong

Why are you falling over yourself to apologise?

Where is his apology? Where is him stepping up and changing his attitude?

I get where you’re coming from but you’re over simplifying. DS2 isn’t just choosing to be like this. There will be a care plan in place for him if/when he starts high school and there will be support for him. If OP were hospitalised for a month he wouldn’t just be left to get on with it. He has a disability, the relevant professionals are involved and they would ensure his safety and support.

There is a definite need for OP to take the initiative in making DS2 independent - as has been said before she won’t always be here. But it’s not an overnight process and there appears to be a significant level of disability present, so it isn’t just a matter of sending him off to high school and expecting him to be able to stand on his own two feet.

Yep this

Get the youngest to be able to manage with other regulation abiities

But ultimately nothing excuses the older one being a snotty little knob

Stop apologising. DS has learned that there are limits to how much he can push you.

Absolutely this

Masking gets thrown around as fact on here, its a controversial term and concept.

Give yourself a break. You have a very difficult home life and I'm afraid your DS1 has behaved very badly, so its not a surprise that you cracked. He is further manipulating the situation to make you feel bad. He's 14 and behaving badly but a lot of them do. Take a breath and move on. You've apologised and he is being a manipulative dick. Move on.

Op, I don’t want to scare you but it is worth considering what the future may bring.

trigger warning please don’t read further if you are of a sensitive nature

i have a child with AuDHD who is now grown up. She’s one of a pair of twins.

her meltdowns were pretty ferocious and violent.

but when she hit about 17 she abruptly became not a priority and her brother did.

this was because he tried to kill himsrlf because he was so anxious about her meltdowns and as depressed about his life and felt nobody cared about him.

so in a situation where you have two kids with high needs and you really cannot put them in a room together you do have to choose and my dd was rapidly deprioritised and yes she did hurt herself during meltdowns.

it’s fucking hard trying to keep one teen with severe issues from hurting themselves - with two and one adult it’s damn near impossible.

No, you weren't awful. You called out his awful behaviour and rightly so. He should be apologising to you, not you apologising to him. Bet your extended family were glad to see him getting put in his place. Let him stew and don't beat yourself up about it. He's 14, not 4.

Another one who sees the frustration the older one is feeling.

I have a younger brother who would nowadays have been diagnosed with autism at a young age. He was also quite capable of being manipulative and deliberately awkward to get his own way. He would totally admit that now.

I remember a holiday at a similar age. We ate when he wanted to, we left for the day when he wanted to, we came home when he wanted to, we had the TV on what he wanted, etc.
After about a week, I asked to do something. One thing. Something all the family could do and enjoy. Mum said she'd see, which meant that she would see whether brother would have a strop if it was suggested. And she came down and said that he'd said we could do it either Tuesday or Wednesday and I could choose which. So I asked for Tuesday. Guess what, ten minutes later she came down and announced that we were doing it on Wednesday because brother wanted to do it then.
I got upset. I was upset. No I didn't shout or swear, because I didn't, but I did cry. Mum's concern was that I kept quiet so that brother wouldn't hear because he might be upset that I didn't accept how caring he was being agreeing to do this.

It was not in any way about doing the activity on Wednesday. It was entirely about feeling that my thoughts, my requests were so unimportant that even when I was asked to make a choice, I didn't get it.

Now I've chatted to my brother; he's turned into a pretty decent human being all things considering 😂He told me that he deliberately asked mum to go back and tell him what day I'd chosen especially to then say he wanted the other.

He says that the best thing that could have happened in that situation was mum saying "no, it's your sister choice, and we're doing it that day". He would have stropped, but he said it would also have brought him up sharp that it wasn't all about it. As it was he had to learn about 10 years later at uni with unfriendly people around and no safety net.

He realises now that the protection mum gave with always giving in to him created issues later. It pushed the problem down the line and he had to learn the hard way.

But you only did it when the other child allowed it. Your oldest child has been a distant second best since he was 3!!

surely you see that?

Okay, I'll bite. In this particular situation, with my eldest also desperately needing me, then potentially I would, yes. I wouldn't enjoy doing it, I'd expect it to be bloody awful actually, but it truly is an impossible situation and that - on occasion - DS2 will have to come after DS1.

Also it's not unusual for the behaviour only to manifest at home. School is a very structured tight situation with various adults available. At home there's no change of face, and the most intimate relationship.

Nah. He deserved it. The little s*!t.

The problem from the older boy's point of view might be that the sibling carer group is yet something else that he's being expected to tolerate - he might see it as yet another imposition rather than a support for him: the very notion of a carer group suggests that he's being expected to subsume his wants to his brother's needs.

And given that OP is his carer and responsible for his safety - supported by the authorities to be so - how would she explain to said authorities that DS2 came to self harm while in her care ? Because I guarantee you ‘because I was prioritising my older son’ wouldn’t cut it.

It actually doesn’t. The name belies the intention because they are not only for those engaged in hands on care for siblings or other family members. These groups look at the needs of the family as a whole and provide safe spaces away from the home environment and counselling for emotional issues connected to having a sibling or other relative who needs significant care.

Just give him some space. I recently reached the end of my tether with DS15 and did something worse than what you’ve done, I was and still am mortified. I apologised and said I should never have done that. I resisted the urge to justify or explain it, and I obviously didn’t point out that he had driven me to it. After I apologised I just kept my distance from him for a couple of weeks but tried to keep communication “normal” but nothing deep, no grovelling, just tried to carry on as normal even though I was dying inside. It was my birthday this week and I wondered if I would get a card at all but I got a box of chocolates and he’d written in the card “I couldn’t ask for a better mum”. Just remember does love you very much but you are all in a difficult situation and all hurting a bit in different ways. I would imagine that you are all closer than a lot of other families. Don’t be too hard on yourself, we all have limits.

OP updated quite a while ago that DS2’s behaviour only escalated recently - within the last 12 months. OP has been advised throughout the thread that the recent escalation warrants further investigation in the form of an updated assessment of DS2’s needs, given the severe nature of the meltdowns and the fact that he now monopolises so much of her time. She also needs a further carers assessment to ensure she is being supported as much as possible to try to reduce DS2s dependence on her and make him more independent.

The worst case that I saw was when I was a class teacher in a secondary school. One of my pupils was often late for school to the extent that she was warned that she'd be told to leave when she turned 16. (This was before ScotGov made schools responsible for pupil destinations.)

It turned out that the mother was making the girl responsible for getting her autistic sibling to primary school in the morning, since the mother had to get to her work.

The girl - not wanting to be thrown out of school - put her foot down and refused to escort the sibling to school. The mother threw the girl out of the house.

Social work could only find a hostel place for the girl on the other side of the county - meaning that she was late for school and (incredibly and unfairly) thrown out of school at 16.

On her last day, I recall I gave her a twenty pound note to try to help her with food.

A few years later, I got a letter from her telling me that she had a job and was fine, thank goodness.

That was around 30 years ago and the whole situation still upsets me.

So how else would you characterise DS2’s behaviour with his dad, given that after every visit he has meltdowns as soon as he gets back into his home environment ? Just acting out ?

Not being snarky, just curious from a professional viewpoint.

Poor kid 😢 how must he feel knowing he’s always second best, you only offer to spend time with him when his brother isn’t taking up your time, and to then be publicly humiliated in the airport. No wonder he refuses the offers! Maybe he was looking forward to family holiday but quickly saw the divide in your parenting become a physical one and wondered what the point was? I just can’t help but feel for this 14 year old child!

Will social work provide a respite break at all?

I haven’t RTFT but with a safeguarding head on I just want to ask, do you check what your son is doing online/on his phone?
You have done nothing wrong IMO his behaviour was out of order and you snapped under stress, but I would also be worried that he sounds vulnerable and that makes him a target for some pretty shit people online.
I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about, but please do just make sure you monitor his interactions to be on the safe side.

I don’t know how it works in other LA areas but in ours respite breaks for disabled children are free depending on a social care assessment of the child’s’ eligible needs. OP has clearly had a parent carer assessment and an assessment of DS2’s needs, as she already has respite from caring duties in place for one day a week. She would need to request updated assessments to receive further provision if DS2’s needs have changed since the original provision was made. The problem, as ever, is that provision.

Sound advice OP.