How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

You may not like it but unless you are going to be the only person who EVER manages DS2’s dysregulation you need to facilitate building a relationship between DS2 and somebody else who can do it.

Maybe start with his father. And “it’ll be a fight” is just how it is. Start fighting. Life is full of things you have to fight for.

I didn’t say I was able to definitely say that he’s masking based on the thread. I said it appears to be what’s happening based on what OP has reported. His behaviour is different when he’s at his dads’. He clearly can’t sustain that behaviour because he has a meltdown as soon as he comes home. I interpret that as the fact that he’s masking as a coping strategy and the stress and exhaustion of keeping that up produces the need to decompress when he comes home and is no longer in that environment. It’s based on experience - behaviour I’ve seen time and time again. Your interpretation is that he’s potentially being manipulative and unkind. I agree that DS2 is likely just as capable of being manipulative as his peers - ND doesn’t squash that. The question is, is he ?

You appear to have quite a fixed view regarding the situation, I am simply suggesting alternative possibilities. The fact that you seem to draw a strict line between behaviours caused by 'disabilities' and those perhaps rooted in trauma and appear (thougyh this may not be your intention) to dismiss the latter seems surprising given the tone of your posts. It's certainly my experience that trauma can very much qualify as a disability whether through a PTSD or CPTSD diagnosis or indeed the wider SEMH lens.

Can DS1 go live with his dad full time so that he is away from DS2 and is someone’s priority? Failing that, is there another adult he would want to go live with

I actually agree with pretty much everything you've said, except that I disagree that court is the way to achieve it.

If you've got no experience of it, please don't suggest it. I see it all the time on here 'oh take him to
Court, get a court order...' - as though it's easy and a judge will automatically give the applicant what they want.

Even with a solicitor the amount of time and effort you have to put in is huge, and each round of litigation can cost 5 figures., not to mention the stress. It is brutal. Even if OP somehow found the time and resources to do this there's no guarantee she will get what she wants/ needs.

Even if a judge agreed that the dad needs to have the kids separately (and I'd agree ), dad could just.... not. Or sabotage it and say it just doesn't work/ he can't cope/,insert excuse here. its really difficult for a court to force a parent to be more involved than they want to be (Im not saying this is right or just, but this is the reality). Ultimately, a judge can't force a parent to not be a twat!

And then what, if the Dad does not step up? Does OP have to find the resources to try to go back to court to get the order enforced?

Court is very rarely the answer.

I totally agree that DS1 needs help in this situation and OP needs support to help him.

Agree. OP isn’t always going to be there and there has been some excellent advice across the thread as to how to initiate change so that DS2 is more independent and has better coping strategies. I can appreciate that it’s going to be difficult for OP because up to this point she’s been his safe person and it’s hard to let go. I think maybe the starting point is to reach out to the professionals involved with DS2 and ask for their advice. Since things seem to have escalated recently maybe OP should be asking for a reassessment for DS2 and a further carers assessment for herself. Things seem to be full on and rather than burning out, the thing to do is ask for help from the people whose job it is to provide it.

He won't die from losing a bag of sweets, and actually an airport is the best place to lose your shit, because noone will ever see you again.

Shouting at your lid really isn't the end of the world. He was being a snotty little knob, now he's learned the consequences, perhaps he will be less of a snotty little knob next time. Also, stop prioritising your youngest over your oldest.

if DS1 changed like that part way through could he have got upset by something going on via his phone - relationships, friends chat or more generally on tik tok? The difficulties of being a teen are so much worse with a lot of what goes on on phone etc. Is a 15 year old really so upset at less time with Mum on holiday or is there a lot of other stuff going on that he can't talk about and so it is channelled through something that is familiar, this family dynamic?

@Pumpkinlatte1235
You may think you're in the wrong
But if it were me I wouldn't be far behind you
Your son now realises there are consequences for incredibly bad behaviour
Tough he cried/wounded pride
He knows he's in the wrong
You pratically crucified yourself and for what?
He's ignoring you?
Enjoy the quiet and
Do the mum things
But that would be all I feel I could honestly do for now and
As for more holidays in the future?
I be blowing raspberries about now.......

Read the thread.

I may be wrong - but young carer support is for young people who act as carers? Right now, the last thing he wants is to be a carer for his brother.
Haven't read it all but no mention of dad - guessing you are all he has. 15 months ago, when he was hitting the teenage years and hormones were all over the place he needed you - at the same time his little brother developed other issues and your entire focus shifted to his little brother - he feels abandoned at a time he needed you.
I'm not being judgy, just pointing out from his perspective, you shouting at him because he had upset your 'favourite' child is the final straw - I don't know how you come back from it but its not the shouting at him you need to come back from - its the 15 months he has needed you as much as his brother and felt like you don't care

I’m so sorry you’re in this terrible spot, OP, and wish you all good things. I see it’s been mentioned but I’ve not been through everyone’s comments so please forgive repetition: this sounds so much like virally triggered PANS/PANDAS. Being neurodivergent seems to be a risk factor for longer-term COVID harm and can make it hard to pick out what’s down to which. My AuDHD kid became unrecognisable and their moods dominated our household, but a month of aggressive anti-inflammatories (we were lucky, it can take much longer) transformed them. You’ll probably need a specialist as much of the NHS and many mental health professionals don’t recognise it.

It certainly isn’t my intention to dismiss any of DS1’s issues, but I think you’re right in that I’m coming at it from the point of view of DS2 being the priority simply because of the nature and severity of the disability as OP has described it. That’s further evidenced by the amount of support allocated to OP in the way of carers respite. OP can’t just drop the rope with DS2 no matter what posters here think. Things need to change, but as I’ve said before, that doesn’t happen overnight.

OP I truly cannot believe what a hard time people are giving you on here! You are clearly consistently and thoughtfully offering regular time to your son, which he currently isn’t taking you up on. You can’t help that, that’s his choice. It’s also apparent you make many gestures to let him know you keep him in mind and are thinking of him throughout the day. He shouldn’t have sworn at you and frankly it sounds like he had a right telling-off coming! Let it go now, stop apologising and let the air of heaven dance between you. He’ll be back when he’s had time to process xxx

Young carers support isn’t necessarily for actual carers. It can be a support network for young people who are affected by having a sibling or other close family member who requires care. Among other things it offers safe spaces away from the home environment and counselling to process stresses and worries connected with the person being cared for and the wider situation.

Unfortunately sometimes the rope has to be dropped to force the issue but I can see she feels in an impossible position. She can't drop the rope for fear of harm to DS2 but by not dropping the rope DS1 is being harmed. An impossible position but she is making a choice to prioritise preventing harm to DS2 over preventing harm to DS1. Sadly it may be that the harm being done to DS1 is actually more severe in the long term but that won't be known until it's too late. If the risk of self harm is truly that severe she needs to work with professionals to develop a risk managemnt strategy that doesn't have her as a single point of failure as that is completely unsustainable.

It's quite clear (in DS1's mind) that you haven't truly made time with DS1 a real priority. So why would he make time with you priority even without the side order of normal teenage embarrassment?

On your respite you need to tell DS1 you are spending time together... sure the first few go's will be awkward AF, maybe even an argument or two, but it should get easier over time. Asking him not only gives him a get out but vaguely implies you're not all that fussed, whatevers good with him, it's not that important.

This - exactly

Wow, what a great response. This.

You worked hard to keep the peace and had a crap holiday OP. So tough. I really hope the other family were supportive.

You’re only human. Though it wasn’t the most ideal thing to say, we’ve all been there. Obviously you can come back from this. Help him see it from your perspective and role model apologising to him. But also keep the boundaries firm. But also recognise that he must have missed you and see if you can spend some quality time with him. He must have been sad his holiday was crap too.

Ignore responses like this OP. Very lacking in compassion.

If you are making a 14 year old boy cry you need to look seriously at your behaviour. I can’t imagine how difficult things are for you but you have two children and it sounds as if you are completely focused on the younger one.

You spend no time with the older on holiday and then publicly humiliate him, I’m not surprised his behaviour is obnoxious and he won’t accept your apologies.

It sounds as if you need not only to apologise to him but offer to have a serious one to one conversation about his feelings and respect what he says.

why does tourettes mean bad nehaviour?

Ah ok - still think it is about his brother though - he can go because his brother has needs. He will prefer to be with his friends because his brother won't be discussed where as that will be all he has in common with the others at young carers

Agree absolutely. There have been red flags from early on in the thread that DS2’s behaviour has escalated very recently and that seems to correlate with DS1’s frustration at being, as he sees it, pushed out.

I’ve been advocating for some time that OP needs an updated carers assessment and DS2’s needs should be reassessed, based on what seems to be a significant deterioration - particularly after a poster upthread asked OP to describe a typical meltdown and the description was harrowing. I’m not disagreeing at all that OP’s position is unsustainable, but years of experience of watching a broken system shape, shall we say less than ideal outcomes, have taught me that you need to be strong and relentless in advocating for your child. I think OP is only just waking up to that fact and she has a hard road ahead of her.

I honestly think you need to take your older one on holiday without the younger one regardless of how its "only you" who can "keep him calm". That's not sustainable. You won't always exist. The younger one CAN be without you and must if the older one is not to have his entire youth ruined. He's going to end up hating you both, but also not having any fun. I know you think you have to hover over the younger one but I bet you don't. What if you were suddenly hospitalised for a month? He'd have to get on with it, end of. I feel really sorry for your older one. In fact I feel sorry for them both because the younger one is being kept too dependent on one parent. He won't learn to regulate if he doesn't experience the consequences but if you micromanage his regulation he won't get the opportunity. I assume the 11yo is off to high school. This might be the perfect opportunity for him to stand on his own 2 feet a bit more.