How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

Forgive yourself you're a mum not super women all of us have been in difficult situations when we lose it no they're not our best moments but come on how much can we take when being swore at and disrespected.
Holidays are stressful as much as we look forward to them and want to make memories we all have high expectations when everything isn't perfect ( completely understand)
Stop being hard on yourself give space to yourself and both kids if you can ...this will sort itself out once everyone has cooled down x

Never use food as a weapon.

I think part of the problem is he’s so beyond things like a skate park/ shopping with me/ drive thru maccies. He just says it would be so embarrassing to be seen out with his mum as no one does that now. Clearly from this thread that’s not the case! But for him and his friends they do all go out all day every day independently on the bus / train (well in the holidays, obviously). So anything I offer to him to do with me (as in just me and him) is met with the same level of horror as Kevin from Harry Enfield would feel. No idea if that’s me (though I don’t know why I’m so embarrassing) his age or just his personality. I suggested eg learning martial arts together and he snorted at the idea and said he’d die of embarrassment and I need to stop trying so hard. This predates the holiday.

This isn't very understanding. I also have a son with an ND, ADHD in his case, and I would absolutely love not to have to constantly watch him. Yes, his elder brother resented that, but also knew I didn't have any choice.

I know I am 💯 in the wrong with the shouting, but I wasn’t restricting his meal on the plane which was pre-ordered, it was sweets and chocolate I took off him in my horrible rage. I would never restrict food.

Well, you don’t. Your teen has learned you are not a robot there to be abused. He was extremely rude and pushed you too far.

It's rough.
On the one hand, I don't think you owe him an apology for shouting - taken in isolation, he should not have behaved that way, nor should he be swearing at you (mouthed or outloud)
But also, I think he hit his breaking point this holiday. Whilst I don't doubt that you think/try to do your best by them both, I think it probably falls far short for him.
I think that the only chance you have to repair this is to TRULY make time for him. Find a way for DS2 to be looked after by someone else, even if only for the day and you need to be fully open to hearing DS1 and what he really needs NOW........Just because he appeared to love hanging out with the others before, doesn't mean that's what works now.
There needs to be brutally honest conversation between you both - you need to hear him & act on it fully, he needs to know that things are tough for you too, that you aren't Superwoman and that his current behaviour isn't acceptable.
And I do think another adult needs to start being brought into the picture as a regulator for DS2, so that YOU get a break too, not just on holiday.

Sounds like he needed to be knocked down a peg for being disrespectful and swearing at you - no way would my parents have tolerated that nor should they!
It does sound like he feels a bit left out. Perhaps he needs some 1 on 1 time with just you? Would someone be able to have your other son whilst you go cinema or something with your teen?
He might not be willing to open up and talk about it whilst his younger brother is around and taking your concentration again which to him, is where the problem lies.
Good luck, this parenting gig is hard sometimes!

I would try to talk to someone at school in September with the hope somebody other than you offering the support will make it more appealing.

I would consider asking your older son to help with managing his brother or to do more household tasks. Mumsnet tends to think of this as controversial. But there are three of you. You're stressed, trying to manage everything yourself. If your older son helped more it might free some of your time / brain space so he could have a bit more of it.

I wouldn't keep focusing on 1:1 time with your eldest - that's too intense(?) for him at the minute. Think more about shared activities and even 'parallel play' where you're both doing your own thing in the same room and encouraging him to invite friends over. He shouldn't have to go out all the time to see his friends.

Does your eldest have post GCSE plans? What are his ambitions for the future and how can you help him with them?

Have you promised you will never use public humiliation as a weapon again, and understood that he probably gets enough of that from his brother, though of course not intentionally.

So so many thanks to those of you who understand this life. It’s immensely isolating and your empathy is incredibly kind and supportive

He has a great relationship with his PSL at school and talks to him and has politely turned down All offers of support there too

Go and say sorry. Take him treats that he would really like. Get him to choose a day out just for you two, book childcare/family member for your other child and spend the day with the eldest, just you two.

Go and tell him how sorry you are, you lost your temper as you were struggling and you hear him about how he feels second best and from now on, you will have at least one day per month which is solely him and you.

He can pick the first activity/ day and you'll book it right now. Tell him how much you love him and you're sorry that he has ever felt shoved aside.

If you show him with actions, I am sure things will improve.

As a thought and perhaps way off mark, is DS 2 can mask with other people then immediately crashes out with you, instead of viewing you as his safe space, could he be manipulating the situation to get your attention which DS1 is well aware of? Seems odd he wants to go with DS2 to his Dad's but doesn't want to spend the time at home with you

So talking about masking (which you brough up first) and the probability that the Eldest helps (which the OP says later on that he does), is derailing the thread?

The OP is in a shit situation as are both the children involved in this.

Ignoring the stress and crap that the eldest is going through is not going to solve the OP's dilemma. nor is pointing it out derailing the thread.

And the youngest developed this only in the last couple of years? Sounds very attention seeking ….. and he’s getting what he wants when he does it which is your undivided attention…

Sorry but masking is not universally accepted term and you are certainly not able to definitively say that is what is going on based on this thread. Many CYP with SN are just as capable as there NT peers of being manipulative, unkind or any other type of behaviour alongside their SN and to pretend otherwise is disingenous and unhelpful IMO.

You dont need to repair it. Move on. He has hopefully learnt a life lesson here. However, maybe, if possible, in future, you could do somethings just the 2 of you. Having an ND child can, through nobodies fault, br consuming. But he has to understand that as there are no choices.
Have a bath and a glass if wine.

This is a shocking post. How awful to post this.

I haven’t said ND and dysregulation are mutually exclusive anywhere. But the kind of dysregulation DS2 experiences is a systemic response to triggers, over which he has no control once he reaches crisis point. That isn’t the same as DS1’s issues, which are rooted in trauma and frustration, not disability. There is a difference. OP needs to find better coping strategies for DS2 so that he can become more independent and less reliant on her, but as I’ve said before, that’s not going to happen overnight.

But it’s not true to say that DS1 has spent his whole life as second best and ‘fighting for scraps’ of time. OP said quite clearly upthread that DS2’s problems have only escalated to this level in the last twelve months. He does need help and support because he’s clearly struggling, and nowhere have I called him a brat, or expected him to have emotional maturity beyond his years.

The poster has done their best to be unpleasant and hyper critical and there doesn’t seem to be any understanding of disability. I’ve reported a few of the posts but MN seem to be oblivious.

Your kid says you prefer the other kid and then you say you know he knows that's not true. In one breath you invalidated your kids feelings. He had the courage to say them and you deny them for your own comfort. Yes, it sounds like a rough holiday, but how about time with BOTH children. Your 14 yo also needs a parent and should not be allowed to brain rot. Surely others are there as well who can interact with either/both children?

Nothing to add, but sending a big hug.

On this point, this sounds totally standard for many 14 year olds, tbh. My two were the same. A previous poster mentioned him probably needing your presence rather than full on 1:1 chats or activities. You and he are navigating the separation of him growing up while both dealing with the stresses of also living with DS2. There are so many positives through this thread: that both your DSs have a good relationship with each other, that DS1 has friends round as well as going out with them, that his friends high five DS2 etc etc. I think you have got understandably very hurt and worried by DS1 saying he would never forgive you for the airport incident, but he isn’t ready to re-engage just yet so you may just have to bide your time a little longer.

It sounds like you had a really stressful holiday, so sorry your youngest has been so overwhelmed.

It is so hard when you have a child who has high needs. Unfortunatley I'm in a similar position where my eldest has AUDHD and PDA and demands alot of my time because she needs help to stay regulated. My youngest sometimes has to be patient for my attention. It's so hard as a parent when you're being torn in all directions and have no support.

You've apologised, which was the right thing to do. Don't push it now, just let it go and move on.

Maybe a less stressful holiday next time? Just the 3 of you, somewhere quiet in the UK for just a few days? Is there anyone could have your youngest for you to go away even for one night, just your eldest?

I know it's hard x don't beat yourself up, we all have our limits.