How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

You said: "your decision to stay with the younger child until he is regulated while the elder has to wait is unfair".

It sounded like you were suggesting the mum was somehow indulging the younger child, whereas from what she's said, it's not safe for her to leave him at these times.

My DD was/is very challenging (in different ways) and my mum would say "I would never have..." but she'd never actually had to deal with any of the extreme behaviours - if I asked her what she'd actually, specifically DO she never had any ideas!

I get it OP , I really do .
your oldest can’t get away with swearing at you and he needs to know that !
Seems you tried your best to make some time for him but not always at the time he wanted
i could cry at the amount of attention and help my youngest needed ( ND and learning disabilities) and whilst I’m not single , I didn’t have any help .
I even used a nursery school when youngest was 3 that had longer hours than school , so I could just fetch the other 2 from school and take them for a coffee cake and chat so they had mum time .
Sometimes on a weekend my husband might be there to keep an eye on the younger 2 and I’d take the oldest or middle one out just us .
it might just have been a bit of shopping and a drink out but it was our time .

I think OP has posted for support and despite some of the horrible judgemental posts there is a fair bit of support and some great advice.

To be fair it takes a while to scroll through and digest what people have said so there isn’t going to be an instant response from OP. And I don’t think she’s making it DS1’s fault that she doesn’t get to spend time with him. But having said that there is a disconnect.

DS1 knows the respite times and he expects that OP will suggest spending time with him during those. The fact that he always seems to have something else planned and mostly refuses the offers seems to suggest that as you say, he considers these times his brothers ‘leftovers - terrible phrase but I confess I can’t think of a better one.

He knows OP’s time is limited and her caring duties are onerous and yet he seems to be wanting her to make time for him in other ways that he knows will be more difficult for her. On one level that’s understandable, but that doesn’t make it acceptable. At the end of the day OP is her DS2’s full time carer and until she can process some of the advice here and get the ball rolling to change things and maybe seek more support, he needs to understand that she’s doing the best she can. And that, I think, is doable for OP. An honest conversation is needed so that he’s in no doubt as to the mountain OP has to climb every day and that she’s looking for the best way to change that.

And again, that’s reflected throughout the thread. Lots of criticism but very little in the way of constructive advice based on actual experience.

I'd love to see the safeguarding report where OP says "oh, I thought I'd leave DS2 to his own devices and pay DS1 attention instead "

This is a child with serious enough needs that there is weekly respite awarded!

So what do you suggest as an alternative that OP can utilise right now, given that she is DS2’s safe adult and he won’t tolerate anyone else during his dysregulated times ? Absolutely she has to find a way to make DS2 more independent and less reliant on her, and there have been lots of good advice as to how to do this, but that takes time and resources. And at the moment, time is what she doesn’t have.

Interesting that it seems to accepted that 'masking' is intolerable for DS2 yet what on earth is DS1 doing ALL the time if not masking his feelings of upset and rejecetion, and the one time he lets them out he is greeted with fury and rage. The concept of 'masking' is contested in any case, the fact that DS2 behaves differently with his father could as easily be explained by parenting differences as it is by 'masking'. I agree with the PP who said you are heading for co-dependency with DS2 and requiring you continuous physical presence to stop him self harming is not sustainable. I wonder if he is this reliant on you at other times or is it that he knew you were all on holiday and therefore there was nothing stopping you from being his 24/7 support and he behaved accordingly. It is possible for someone to be both struggling to regulate and also acting in a 'manipuolative' fashion at the same time either conciously or unconciously.

If OP was hit by a bus and was in a coma, a soulution would be found regarding DS2 need for a 'safe' adult, I can guarantee it.

Agree. I can’t stress this enough. Unless posters have experience of a child with SEN they have little to no idea how you have to fight for every little thing. Respite from caring duties is what all families in this situation strive for and it’s a very scarce resource so it’s allocated strictly based on need. I’ve been involved with families who have secured it in the form of a carer to sit with the person needing care for maybe a couple of hours once or twice a a month but it’s usually within a limited time frame and subject to change according to resource and budget. The fact that she has it on a weekly basis and for what sounds like the whole day (not sure about that, just based on what OP has said) indicates a very high level of need.

Does the ds2 go to a special school for example? I have a friend with 2 sons similar . She goes on nights away with the neuro typical one once s month and organises respite for the other or family to support . It's not as plain sailing as when mum is there but is necessary for the others development snd mental health and her own as well. Ds2 is not your main or your only priority ...its a balancing act. And if its thst bad once a week respite is not enough by the sound of it

Haven't RTFT. Sounds like your eldest fucked around and found out 🤷‍♀️ and unless there's a massive drip feed, pushed you beyond your limit.
I wouldn't make a habit of it but I also wouldn't be feeling guilty...

Of course it would. I could have said that about most of my caseload. But the fact is that unless/until that happens the status quo prevails. OP is going to have to find a way to make DS2 less reliant on her. That won’t happen overnight. As @DrRuthGalloway posted upthread - OP has a small window of opportunity to change things but it won’t be easy and she’ll have to fight for the resources she needs to make it happen.

Of course DS2 is her main priority - that’s the whole point !! He’s not her only priority but the whole thread is literally a discussion around how to de-prioritise to find some time for DS1’s needs. Respite once a week is a LOT more than a lot of families in OP’s position get as the norm. It’s allocated according to need and to change it OP would need to have another carers assessment for herself and a reassessment of DS2’s needs. It’s simply not on to say that DS2 is not her main priority in the same breath as observing that once a week respite is not enough - whose benefit do you think the respite is for ?

Blimey, trying to manage all those triggers for your teen sounds absolutely exhausting, mum. It's no wonder things boil over sometimes when you're under that much pressure. Have you found any particular triggers are worse than others on different days?

Short of cloning herself, or leaving her younger child to self-harm, what was @Pumpkinlatte1235 supposed to do on this holiday, @ALovelyPinkUnicorn?

I’m not saying her older ds is wrong for feeling life is unfair and his younger brother gets the lion’s share of their mum’s attention, but in purely practical terms, what was she supposed to do? Leave the disregulated child to self harm, in order to spend time with the older one?

It is easy to criticise @Pumpkinlatte1235, but much, much harder to provide realistic solutions to the issues she faces.

Masking is an accepted term and used to describe suppressing natural instincts and traits in order to fit in with societal expectations of ‘normal’ behaviours. It’s a coping mechanism used by those on the spectrum and also in some MH conditions. It seems very clear that this is what DS2 is doing while at his dad’s - evidenced by the dysregulation as soon as he gets home, because for someone with ND masking is stressful and exhausting and necessitates decompression, which appears to be what’s happening. So I don’t think it’s useful to pick apart the terminology.

Upthread OP has described the quite harrowing way in which DS2 dysregulates - maybe read that before you insinuate that he’s manipulating the situation, either consciously or unconsciously.

some ideas:

• respite care/ask local authority to provide respite foster care
• go back to court and insist father have children separately
• find local carer to work some hours a week with younger child
• allow relatives to stay with younger child even in meltdown to ensure he does not self harm

This mum absolutely has a difficult job but to neglect her older child’s needs because of the costs of the younger child’s needs is unacceptable. Anybody who has more than one child is responsible for the holistic care of them all - you don’t simply shrug your shoulders and pretend a child is able to cope with neglect of their care because you are overwhelmed: you find appropriate means to meet both children’s needs. It is not easy but it is the basic responsibility of a parent. Her DH should absolutely be court ordered to either do his share or pay, tho I understand that likely won’t happen. Still, she doesn’t get to focus on one child over another without consequence as she is discovering.

It's really hard OP, mine are the other way around and I get a lot of "I wish dB wasn't disabled" or "just because he's got xyz you have to spend all your time with him". It's a rock and a hard place, it's all very well saying "prioritse him" or "spend quality time" but it's not like a typical child when they're dysregulated. You can't just leave your other one with someone else or tell them "sorry that's the plan" because they can damage themselves, other people etc. I don't really know the answer unfortunately, because it isn't your older ones fault that his brother has needs, and it's sad that this impacted on his holiday, but I struggle to see a way around it other than trying to find some other support for your younger one that leaves you freed up regularly to support your older one. It's the hard part of being a family. We often have to leave activities or places, or not go in the first place, because of ds and it's crap for my other child, but it is what it is sometimes.
I think waiting till he has calmed down, and chilled a bit, then having an adult discussion about how he feels, what would help him feel prioritised whilst also fitting the family dynamic. Also just the opportunity to share his frustration with you - it is ok for him to feel sad and let down whilst also acknowledging there's little you can do to change it because of your other sons needs, it is absolutely ok to wish things were different or voice those feelings and he needs to be able to do that (if not to you, maybe a charity has some support or school has a counsellor etc).

Does younger ds go to school, or have any clubs or anywhere else he can go - then you could plan a day out with older son specifically knowing that it's something just for him and won't be impacted. I think finding some genuine quality time is the best plan, it might be tricky, but it clearly hasn't worked trying to squeeze time in or hoping he gets what he needs from extended family members.

Dysregulation & ND are not mutually exclusive.

NT can become dysregulated. The older son is 14, has spent his whole life 2nd best and fighting for scraps of his parents time.

being 14 is a rough ride without the addition of that. His actions clearly show he wasn’t being himself as his mum the OP describes him as usually very different. This boy needs help not a forum of women calling him a brat and expecting him to have the emotional maturity of an adult

Please lighten up for God's sake - all kids are pitas some of the time - it's in their job description. It doesn't matter whether they are ND or NT, able bodied or disabled, they all have the capacity to press your buttons and it sounds as if they were both as exasperating as they could possibly be during the week of the holiday. I feel so sorry for the OP and I'm in awe of the fact that it took so long before she imploded. My fuse is much shorter and I would never have tolerated a single 'fuck off' from my teenagers, let alone apologized to them for finally losing my temper.

I think the amount of judgement directed at the OP is hateful especially when it seems that she is doing the best she can in an impossible situation. In my .view it's judgement that would be better directed at her exDP who has simply abdicated all responsibility - having his boys for one night a week is pitiful.

I'd look up the term glass child. Is suspect he's had a life time of "fitting in when your available" and youngest isn't around and this holiday has possibly been the straw that broke the camels back so to speak on top of typical teenage hormones. Your in a difficult situation as you say, single parent, child with high support needs etc but your son isn't probably feeling pushed out and is reacting. I don't think "spending time in the balcony" while on holiday would really cut it if I'm honest.
Some one on one time with him on a regular basis once he has snapped out of it may help improve things

This. And I say this as the 3 years older child who was overlooked constantly for the younger sibling (and still would be if I allowed it!)

I would at this point separate things down. 1) the holiday issue. You’ve apologised don’t apologise anymore. He was bang out of order and you also weren’t your finest.

2) your teen is being a teen. try and meet him where he is atm. In the respite time you have could you maybe take him and his mates to a skate park or similar. Sit and have a coffee whilst they skate. Put no pressure on him to spend 1:1 time but show him you support his friends and his interests. That could slowly rebuild your relationship. It will take time but if his friends also see you as being kind that mau also help your relationship.

OP some people are being very harsh. Doesn’t sound like you had a great holiday either. My youngest has always demanded more time and attention because of her ND too and frankly it’s exhausting, holidays are often a total let down. You don’t need these people telling you you were wrong, they were not in your shoes. You’ve hardly committed a crime, you shouted at him you didn’t hit him! You’ve offered an apology but you shouldn’t be begging for forgiveness. I think when you’ve all reset then you can try and have a conversation with him but for now you need to forgive yourself.

Is there anyway you could gave a holiday, even just a few days somewhere, with older Ds on his own, I know you are stuck in the middle of an impossible choice but my heart aches for you both, sending hugs