How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

Your ex needs to take ds2 for an entire day. You then need to plan something for ds just two of you. At present your ds2 needs are always looming around, so even if you say let’s do something you will need to drop and run if he needs you. Ds1 needs your undivided attention. That’s what he craves op. I feel for you I do. It’s an incredibly hard situation. You must see that your ds needs has come second from the time he was a toddler. The resentment built up must be huge.
your ex needs to step up help here. You also need to make sure ds2 has someone else that he depends on in the way he does on you. It would be very traumatic for him if he doesn’t have you.

@AstonCanKissMyArse I'm advocating for DS1 because I care about the kid, having been in his position with my sibling, also being AuDHD myself and having two kids, one AuDHD and one with possible more subtle ND. If you find my posts judgemental, then it's because I've seen a whole load of excuses as to why DS1 simply cannot be prioritised on this thread, and I'm calling bullshit. I'm sorry court is hard - but do you truly think it's not worth his mum telling DS1 she could fight to make a change to the hours so their father has one on his own each time, giving him more time and space? That that wouldn't benefit him to at least hear the offer that his mum is willing to do it for him? Okay. I disagree.

It genuinely is much easier for everyone if DS1's emotional needs are pushed to the bottom of the heap. Then his withdrawal is shrugged off as "being a teen" / he should be more mature and help her out / she's asking him if he wants to do things and he's saying no / what more could she possibly do.

What I would be doing is below - OP may well already be doing some of it but the main point I'm making is that DS1 is at a crucial age in his development and is facing quite serious risks given his age and the trauma he has. He deserves to be prioritised for a while.

• Re DS2 - everything druthgalloway said.
• Get help learning how to parent DS1 in this phase (books / online resources / classes on how to parent teens, both traumatised and not).
• Explain to ex very bluntly and directly the risks to DS1, and what he and you need from him, once you have determined the changes to be made, based on your research. Will ex refuse? Maybe. Should you just not do it, then? No - because we are prioritising DS1's wellbeing for a while, even when it's hard/very hard - OP has shown she's fully capable of doing the hard things for DS2, she's surely capable of drawing from that same well for DS1.
• Don't handwave DS1's withdrawal as "being a teen" or criticise him as if he's another adult in the house rather than a child acting out because of unmet needs, as some PP have done.
• Secure more regular time for DS1 without DS2 around. I've said dad - OP can secure it whatever way is best for her, but it needs doing regardless.
• DS2 having to mask for a bit is IMO not a valid excuse for him to not do something or go somewhere. Masking is bloody tiring and isolating, but is sometimes required. He will be slightly uncomfortable, not forever damaged by a bit of masking. And if he can't contain it totally and melts down a few times elsewhere then that's probably a good thing - as whoever else is caring for him in that time gets experience with how to handle him rather than it all be on OP, and DS2 gets more experience being elsewhere which can be built on over time.
• Discuss with DS2 that DS1 needs support at the moment and part of that is his own time with mum. OP says he adores his brother, if so and he's got good empathy then DS2 will have ideas on how he can help.
• In general don't appease the children, and by that I mean don't avoid doing important things or making important changes because they'd be angry/have a meltdown. This is too permissive - in a calm discussion they can contribute their wishes and compromise can be aimed for. But fundamentally OP is the adult and decides the structures, boundaries and rules.

Instead of waiting until the day of respite and checking if DS1 wants to do anything, have you tried booking something in advance. You know what day it's going to be, so tell your son now "I'm booking us 2 tickets for Spiderman at 7 on Thursday" for example.

Honestly I would start implementing family time for the three of you. A film on a Friday night once per month. Also you are the parent and can tell him when I can’t go out with his mates. You could actually word it as “it would be really nice to spend some time together on Thursday night what do you think?” Make it clear you want to spend time with him

Absolutely agree. I’ve seen so many families devastated by children with ND who have grown bigger and stronger than their parents and the meltdowns have turned violent as they’ve got older. Once this happens it becomes a matter of damage control and the resources allocated to it are limited - families are very much left to get on with it because placements outside the home are difficult if not impossible.

Much better to address that window of opportunity to change the outcome while you can. It takes courage and OP will have to be prepared to fight for the resources she needs, but if it means DS2 can be more independent as a result then everybody wins.

Where did I say that? I said I would look for solutions…this is a difficult situation but it is pretty obvious that it is extremely damaging to her eldest to have to constantly come second to his brother’s needs. She is the one responsible for addressing this disparity and it will come out in some way down the line if she fails to do so.

What are you actually apologising for … telling your son off for being a little shit. Maybe he needs to learn some manners - who allows their kid to tell them to f-off?!?!

I think OP’s ex is part of the problem, not the solution. DS2 is masking the whole time he’s with him and as a result of the stress, he’s having meltdowns as soon as he gets home, which makes things harder for OP. I’m not suggesting he should be bypassed but in my experience a lot of dads leave because they can’t cope with the disability, and once that happens they don’t have much incentive to learn about their childs’ disability so they can properly support. Contact time becomes performative - dad basically can’t cope with his son’s condition so he chooses to treat it via discipline rather than understanding and getting involved. Not sure if this is the case with OP but it does sound like it.

This I’m afraid. I’m sorry that you’re struggling but your eldest is too.

It isn’t easy with teenagers and ND children. Yes teenagers can be quiet. I remember my Mum shouting at me when I was about that she was getting pressure from a family member and she’d been difficult for a few years, I still remember it vividly. Not to upset you, just as a warning this may trigger him for years to come.

If you look at it from his point of view this has been a long time coming. At 3 he has played second fiddle and some to a child who probably comes across very annoying. Every. Day. All. The. Time.

I would always opt for a UK holiday than dealing with planes, trains and ferries. The stress for any family is huge.

Your teenage son has again played second fiddle and hardly seen his Mum (I also feel for you, overseas and stuck in an air con room is not how many choose to spend a week of hard earned money). His Mum has only offered a few minutes when his younger brother has a moment of calm and Mum looks exhausted and ready to blow, great (again well done you and not propping up a nearby bar with a well earned Gin - he won’t see this though). When he has helped his younger brother again you’ve publicly humiliated him because you believed his brother and not even had the decency to check with him first, is the older one more reliable?

So firstly I would remain calm and prepare for him giving you a lot of swearing at you, yes take it before then speaking honestly, yes you were wrong. You have not spent enough time with him over the years etc etc.

When he is ready make a joint pact you wil
both treat each other with respect from now on. Speak to him as an adult and he should in time do the same. Ask for help with younger one so you have a “full bucket”, and holiday in UK in future, what memories are worth all this?

So OP is to blame ? She is no more responsible for this shitty situation than anyone else involved. She didn’t ask to have a severely disabled child and she’s coping as best she can. Sometimes there are no easy solutions and everyone involved has to accept that. DS1 is not getting the support he needs despite OP doing the best she can with the resources she has. Unfortunately these two truths can co-exist.

He hasn’t had a ‘lifetime’ of playing second fiddle. If you read OP’s updates DS2’s problems have only escalated in the last twelve months.

As a parent of a child (now adult) with major health and behaviour needs, to get a funded full day of respite each week is amazing. We got 4 over 12months. Use it to connect with DS1.

have you even thought that the reason that the youngest isn't becoming dysregulated is because the eldest is there and manages the younger brother because the father won't.

This is what I responded to. Why ? Because you’re assuming the reason he isn’t dysregulated during his visits to his dad is because his brother is managing him, when in actual fact it’s because he’s masking the whole time he’s with his dad. The dysregulation comes later when the stress and exhaustion of masking his true feelings kicks in and he has a meltdown that OP has to cope with. Not his dad, the OP. That’s what gave me the impression that you don’t know what either term means. I can’t make it any clearer than that and this exchange is derailing the OP’s thread, so I’m not engaging with it any more.

OP, with kindness - I feel desperately sorry for you but it feels like you are ignoring a lot of good advice on this thread. Are you reading all posts because I’m just seeing the same excuses about why you can’t schedule time with DS1and lack of engagement with solutions people are offering fir both your Diss.

Stop passively asking DS1 if he wants to hang out and start telling him what will be happening - in a positive way of course. He’s 14, you’re the adult.

If he sees you assertively parenting (fake it til you make it) he will better understand roles, responsibilities and boundaries and will feel more valued and secure. As you establish more constructive communication you’re less likely to get to the stage where you lose it with him

I cannot put myself in your shoes completely op but yet I can see some resemblance with my own ds’s especially when they were around that age.

could it possibly be ds14 doesn’t necessarily want your 121 attention or chats and hanging out and instead just wants you presence?

he’s punishing you right now because he’s hurt and upset and because he isn’t old enough to find the words or understand how he actually feels.

not sure I agree with you praying he’ll accept counselling or to go to a young carers group I can imagine to a 14 year old thats you saying he’s the problem or you’re ‘palming’ him off when in his mind you’re the issue. Your yds requires a lot of your attention for his additional needs but your ods also has a high level of additional needs in a different way and he’s showing you the self destruction signals and minimising them for the sake of your yds

You sound like you're doing the best you can in a very difficult situation and I don't blame you for snapping. I also understand the frustration of your DS at the attention his brother gets, and although he understands this it doesn't make it any easier on him. DS chose the wrong way to treat you, regardless of his frustrations. Keep offering him that 121 time. Stop apologising, you've done that and explained yourself, DS now needs time to accept it. In the meantime keep doing what you're doing and trying to be there as much as you can.
It may be worth checking if school has access to a mentor, so not a "professional", being a teen sometimes this can be a challenge to engage with sadly. We have someone who comes to our school who offers specialist, trauma-informed youth support service, it provides one-to-one mentoring, counseling, and onsite school provisions to help children and young people (typically ages 8–18) build self-esteem, resilience, and emotional wellbeing.

i just don’t know HOW to make time with DS1 because he is ALWAYS out with friends

OP are you really not seeing the connection here? To a large extent it's because he's a teenager and that's what 14 year olds do. But when he's with his friends he's him. Not his sibling's brother, not your son who has to take whatever time you can spare. Because when you can spare the time it's to a schedule determined by his brother and he knows it. He's 14. He's a mass of hormones and he's still a child. He's allowed to spend his time with his friends if he feels that all he gets from you are - to use a phrase I've used on another post - his brother's leftovers.

You've described how DS2 behaves in meltdown. Yes it's clearly horrific for you. But all of your responses seem to be along the lines of 'but what else can I do?'. You describe how you do little things for DS1. None of that gets to the heart of things. And you don't (as per the quote I've given above) get to make it his fault that you don't spend time with him.

what a horrible response!
You try it then !!! coping with a ND child and then you also have other child(ren )too.
I myself have 3 children , the youngest is ND with learning disabilities too .
I did my best to try and give each one some time ( with very little to no help and input at all from anyone else ) and I’m now exhausted .
walk a mile in someone else’s shoes why don’t you

There you go again !!! This is not kind and not helpful

Op you've handled this really badly.... and its clear you spend too much time trying to regulate the younger one instead of equal. However we all make mistakes. Nothing u can do except now start trying to be more equal. Your advances will be refused for sure but keep going so DS can you see you trying and changing your way. Good luck and he will with persistence come round. For info and im sure u know but embarrassing a teen in public ia tue worst thing ever for them and he will never forget this

I agree. I feel for him.

OP is there the option for ds2 to go and stay/live with his dad for a while? The space might calm things down between you and ds2.

Sometimes you have to be tough to be kind ?

I know you say that your kid knows you don’t prefer his sibling, I’d put money on that not being true. I’ve been in his shoes and it is miserable playing second fiddle to a high needs sibling. You know it’s not his job to regulate your feelings, but you’re still expecting him to behave in a way that is easy for you so you can focus on his brother. You need to really shift focus so you’re focusing more on your older child, like trips with only him.