How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

Does DS2 have his own room? Would you consider making it a ‘safe’ room so he is safe in his room during his meltdowns? i.e when at home, if he can get in. Friends of mine have padded walls, etc , which means the DC are safe when they’re in their rooms. Your current situation is not sustainable. Although a year in SEN world is not really thst long so it’s understandable that you’re discovering what works for you as a family.

Maybe ask DS to choose when he would like to do something together and you can get the cater in? So it’s not that he gets to spend time with you because you’re available but because he’s chosen that time?

I wish I could call someone to sit with DS2 when DS1 says he wants to spend time with me but I only have respite at a specific time once a week. And every time I have it I offer that time to DS1 who always chooses instead to go out with one of his 9000 friends, I think he’d be livid if I told him he had to use that time to be with me.

This sounds like DS1 asks and you say no. So when you offer he’s rejecting the offer as a sort of “too little too late” attitude?

Yeah, children are very selfish self absorbed entities. Even those of aged 14.

He wants your time when he wants it.Not when you want it or are able to give it. His behaviour is nothing outside of normal standard teen behaviour.

Many adults would struggle to live in a dynamic where one family member always takes up the lions share of the time effort and consideration and everything has to revolve around them.

A lot of people are expecting a fourteen year old to not only understand this, but accept it and be ok with it and never act out. He's fourteen. He's now ignoring you is just that he's given up trying. Applying adult logic to a fourteen year old just doesn't work of course he's unreasonable.

He's not living a normal life, either he probably can't have friends over.In case it upsets your youngest or they get treated to a two hour screaming meltdown.

Children push and test the boundaries all the time. That's what he did in the airport. When you took his snacks away, slammed them back on the shelf and shouted full volume at him in public.I think it's actually quite telling that he dissolved into tears. This was in response to his brother probably making up tales about him or elaborating on it. Doesn't matter what he does.He's the only one who's not allowed to be unreasonable or shout.

After a few weeks of you showing him that you miss him and look forward to spending time with him, I don't think he'd be livid any more. You are the parent, you need to step in before you lose him. Don't take the easy route of him choosing his friends. "No son you can go out with your friends the other 6.5 days of this week, today I really want to spend time with you because I love you and miss you".
Plus read @DrRuthGalloway advice again. Soon you will have one child who doesn't want to spend time with you or listen to you and another child who is bigger than you and whose meltdowns are no longer manageable.

I have two sons (now adult) and one has complex needs (extreme with regard to behaviour). Its hard. We tried really hard from the very beginning to give the older son (no additional needs) time, so reduce the chances of resentment later. Being 14 is hard, having a brother with additional needs is harder still. My son didn't want to bring friends home in case his brother was difficult (embarrassing), he went out a lot (to get away). I would never suggest a sibling group to him (he would hate the idea). Apologise, acknowledge that it is hard for him (sorry but at the min its not about you or his younger brother) and let things slowly, over time improve. My sons are now in their late 20s and I still feel guilt about spending too much time and thought on the younger one - I'm still doing it. My older son lives 200 miles away (went for a job) and I am glad he can now have a 'normal' home life. Sad it has to be like this.

He has six other days in the week to see his friends, sell it to him that it is something you really want and need. It doesn’t have to be all day. I think you need to say that this is what you are doing, an offer to a teen will always be met with seeing friends instead but he clearly needs you.

Surely, if the parent wants to try and live with this day in day out, they should give their other children a choice.

I doubt OP wants to live with this day in and day out, but what other choice does she have ? Are you suggesting she should choose between her children ?

I didn't sufggest this at all.
I saud that there was a possibilty that DS 1 was sheilding DS 2 from his dad.

So you not only didn't respond to what I posted, you made up what I said.

Do 14 year olds really want quality time with Mum? Support him in doing things outside the home (my son played rugby), pay for a pizza out with a mate, or the cinema. Make him his favourite tea..don't focus on talking - show him you know its hard, do small things he likes, consistently. Keep an eye on school, encourage him to do well..our son got his life back at uni.

I agree with this. By saying ok go out with your friends during that time, you’re basically saying you’re happy to not spend time with him and it suits you to let him go. You’re probably doing this because on some level you are glad to have some time to yourself and a break, but that is telling him you’re not seeing time spent with him as a priority.

OP you are heading towards codependency with your autistic child. I have sailed close to that wind myself. Please believe that your son can learn self regulation skills. He is not incapable of doing so.

It isn’t necessarily the case that the meltdowns will get worse - you’re presenting OP with a very pessimistic view of the future.

I’ve worked with many parents whose grown children have become bigger and stronger as time has gone on, and yes, some of the home situations I’ve seen are awful - safe rooms where family lock themselves in to keep safe from violent outbursts, social services stretched to the limit and in many cases families essentially left to get on with it because the resources dedicated to dealing with their needs are stretched so much.

But many of the cases I saw involved much older adult children and tended to date back to when ND and the needs of those who have various spectrum conditions, was less well understood. In latter years a better understanding of spectrum disabilities has emerged along with more focus on early interventions to try to mitigate these problems in later life, and as @DrRuthGalloway indicated in her excellent post, there is a small window of opportunity to change outcomes - if OP is open to it and can muster the support she needs for that to happen.

I think one of the things that comes across very strongly on this thread is that those posters who have no experience of it have little idea of how hard parents of children with SEN have to fight for every resource they get. It’s hard going. As I’ve said several times, OP is the exception rather than the rule in that she gets respite from care - even for one day a week. It’s a precious resource and an indication of the significance of the disability involved.

I can't believe some of the shitty responses you are getting from the perfect mothers of Mumsnet, OP. Please sit down with a nice cup of tea, or better still, a big glass of wine and congratulate yourself on getting through what seems to have been a nightmare week without killing either of your darling boys. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be to parent a child with high needs and a stroppy teenager on your own.

But I certainly wouldn't be wasting any more apologies on DS1. Instead I'd point out that you didn't really want or enjoy spending the whole of your precious holiday in a hotel room with one pita while the other pita threw teenage strops. I'd also point out that you are a person too and as entitled as anyone else to have feelings and frustrations, which aren't helped by DS1 swearing at you when you are doing your absolute best for both him and his brother. You could also add that this isn't the life that you planned for or wanted, but that there's no choice other than to suck it up and suggest that he gets used to doing the same. And then I'd let the whole thing go.

Despite what pps have said, you obviously made great efforts to engage with DS1 whenever you could, which he rebuffed while verbally abusing you. Frankly, until he changes his attitude you don't owe him anything more. And please don't take any notice of the unhelpful people who have neither the wit nor imagination to walk in your shoes. A big hug and solidarity from me!

No need to apologise. No excuses for swearing at you. No reason is good enough. I would absolutely stop grovelling to a child and tell him he knew where to find me when he wanted to apologise so we could discuss his punishment for a) swearing b) swearing at his parent

There would be a care plan in place. Schools have a duty to adapt and make adjustments to try to avoid crisis points as much as possible. Regular downtime in a quiet space before overload happens can help - a quiet room where the child can decompress safely. Often a key adult will be assigned for regular contact and emotional support and regulation. Sometimes passes are issued to enable the child to leave a stressful situation developing in a classroom, before a meltdown happens.

Often the Senco will have some idea of triggers if they, or other staff have seen what happens before a meltdown and identified any tells - early signs such as rocking, pacing etc would be documented and a step by step plan put together so that staff can react calmly and follow strategies.

To give an example from my own school - one of the kids was very upset by a fire alarm so one of the SEN staff came and took him from the class lineup, stood with him at one side and spoke to him calmly and quietly.

I don’t think it’s necessarily helpful to label either of OP’s children a ‘pita’. This is a difficult situation caused by disability. Would you call a child a pita if they had a physical disability and were struggling ? If not, why would you assign that label to a child with SEN that are not immediately obvious and less well understood ? DS1 is reacting to the situation and he’s struggling. I’m not in any way condoning his behaviour - it was unacceptable and needs to be checked, but it’s an expression of his frustration, and saying that OP doesn’t owe him any further input is wrong and harmful. He’s her child and he’s just as much a part as OP and DS2 of this shitty situation to which there are no easy answers.

The swearing at his parent, while totally unacceptable, is a symptom of the fact that he’s struggling with the situation. It’s concerning that he’s managed to manipulate OP into a situation where she feels the need to apologise to him when it was his appalling behaviour that triggered her reaction. But IMO punishment isn’t appropriate. More a heart to heart to find out what he needs so that it doesn’t happen again. There aren’t any easy answers here. I suspect that what DS1 needs, OP isn’t capable of giving fully right now, but talking things through and telling DS1 that he’s loved and that she understands his frustration, while setting boundaries of behaviour for the future, is a better option than simple punishment, which would just pile on more resentment.

Teen angst isn't an excuse to act like a fool and swear. Rules and respect aren't optional or situational, IMO.

Actually my response, and I'm sure others on this thread, come from direct experience.

Tbf, OP acted like a fool and swore, making a 14-year-old boy cry (no small feat) because she was frustrated, angry, and at the end of her tether (though honestly, no judgement, OP, it doesn't hurt them to see we're human and fallible now and then, and can lose our tempers).
But you can't really blame a teenage boy for doing the same sort of thing because he felt like his brother was ruining his holiday, and his mum prioritises said brother more, and loves him more.

Is swearing and disrespect acceptable? No. But that goes both ways, and in addition, DS1 is not in a normal situation. Like OP, he's affected in a significant way by his brother's issues, and he's stressed and lashing out. Cracking down on him severely could just reinforce the idea that he is less loved, especially given he sees his sibling be supported gently through his violent meltdowns (and yes, intellectually he may know it's because his brother can't help it, but emotionally, it's still going to feel like favouritism).

An approach that involves a collaborative, honest and open discussion is worth a try at this point, rather than being a stickler for the rules.

We can agree to disagree. I don't have kids with anyone on here so my opinion is my opinion. OP is going to have to arrive at a solution to suit her current situation.

YANBU for being stressed, or snapping. I think YAB (a little) U , for not noticing that your eldest was crying out for your attention, and in the end even negative attention was attention. I can empathise, my eldest had many needs, and life just forced my attention to him over my youngest.
I read a really sobering book many years ago, it was called 'The other one' and was stories from siblings of children with SEND, and it made me appreciate, it was also my job to carve time out for both of them to have my undivided attention.

i just don’t know HOW to make time with DS1 because he is ALWAYS out with friends . I know how hard it is for him to have YDS needs in the house, and I do all the little things I can to let him know I’m always thinking of him when he’s out/ I pop in to hear how he got on when he comes back in (he normally gives me 4 mins then tells me to leave his room) I allow his friends over all the time / stay over and talk to them, I simply don’t know what else to do as I can’t magic away DS2 needs or the fact I’m the sole adult for the week with the exception of his carer once a week.