How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

I didn’t say it was only an ND thing. I was explaining the difference between DS2 for whom dysregulation is part and parcel of his condition - an involuntary and systemic response to triggers, and can also be a consequence of masking - and the behaviour displayed by DS1 who doesn’t have that disability. Or should l say OP hasn’t indicated that he has.

And I’m not framing DS1 as a bad kid - his frustration is entirely understandable but his actions are not uncontrollable in the same sense as are DS2’s, they are as a result of a mix of entirely understandable emotions connected to the circumstances, and difficulty in handling those emotions because of his young age. Teenage hormones won’t be helping the situation either. But he’s also displaying signs of manipulation which need to be addressed, and his behaviour towards OP may be understandable but he shouldn’t be allowed to think that it’s acceptable. It doesn’t make hm a bad kid or anything like it - it’s just another indication of the shit situation everyone is in.

Exactly this

You would leave the younger child to self harm by banging his head on surfaces? That is what you would actually do?

It’s not always easy to split yourself fairly and equally to give all your children the time and attention they need and deserve. God knows it’s basically impossible when one or more of them is ND and/or is high needs. Some people on this thread don’t seem to understand that at all. Or they don’t want to.

As one (previously single) mother to ND children to another, say you’re sorry but don’t beat yourself up. I sympathise with your eldest but his behaviour has been shit, it just has. I would have snapped too. I think a lot of parents would. Is there any way you can take him out one on one or if you at least completely uninterrupted by your youngest so you and eldest can have an honest conversation about things? You need to talk about this and come up with ways for him to communicate with you more effectively. You can fix this.

This has been the problem throughout the thread. The only posts appearing to have any knowledge of, or empathy for how difficult OP’s situation is, are those from parents of ND children/experience of similar situations. There is very little understanding of what appears to be a severe disability with which OP is trying to cope as sole carer, and a willingness to apportion blame for not being able to fully support her older child. Some posters are clearly viewing DS2 as nothing more than a naughty child acting up.

I’m starting to wonder what the responses would be had OP posted that DS2 was physically disabled and needed one to one care. My guess is that there would be a lot more support for OP and much less criticism. There’s very little appreciation of the fact that ND conditions can be equally as hard to cope with, and in many cases, more so.

The number of adults on this thread who are expecting a 14 year old child to behave like a grown adult is boggling.

I don't agree. I think it can be true that the op is doing her best, and that her eldest ds isn't getting the support he needs.

I've seen good advice on the thread given about talking with her eldest explicitly about how shit and unfair the situation is, and to give him space to feel however he feels about it.

I don't think anyone's suggesting that the younger ds should be left to hard himself. But equally, he may sometimes need to be cared for by a less preferred family member, who can still keep him safe, so his brother can have time with their dm.

The person who should be ashamed is the father doing very little, not the mother trying her best.

I was a disability outreach worker for twenty odd years and that’s been my experience too. In OP’s case dad only seems to have minimal contact and there’s clearly a problem there if DS2 is so stressed by the visits that he masks the whole time and dysregulates as soon as he gets home.

It’s mostly been my experience that it’s dad who can’t cope and once he leaves, there is minimal contact, no interest in learning about the childs’ disability - relying on ‘discipline’ and treating them as just another naughty kid seems to be the default and contact becomes performative. l may be wrong, but from what OP says that appears to be the case here.

Im sorry op but to me it sounds like you never really put ds1 first. You never "choose" him. You give him time when his brother doesnt need you. He probably desperately wants some indication from you that he matters as much as his brother.

You need to ensure there are sometimes when you say to DS2 "i know you are dysregulated. Grandad is here, hes going to stay with you this morning and keep you safe, because Ive promised DS1 i'd take him to the pool."

And you need to let DS1 see that someimes you prioritise him, because he's your son, and you love him too and he needs you just as much.

Agreed

Mansplaining is explaining something that the other person knows about, usually done by men by women can do it too.

You have made teh assumption that I don't know what masking and dysregulation are, so you have mansplained them too me.

You must be so proud.

But non of this accepts the amount of stress that this boy is under. and you like many others are ignoring this which will not answer the OPs question, of how to repair the damage done.

No no one is suggesting that.
The OP can accept she can't resolve everything. So can others. The 14 year old may not see that for years. She may not be able to resolve that for him.
She is already acknowledging his feelings. He is the only one who can master them, with as much help as people can give. That includes role modelling that isn't always exactly what one would want, and coming back from it.
He has experienced a transition as his brother has changed. Maybe that's a loss for him that he doesn't understand. That's worth considering and acknowledging also. That would be more akin to grief.

Is there a second parent in the picture who could have been with the younger ds while you spent quality time with older ds? I do feel for you so much but I also understand where older ds is coming from. He needs his mum too but there's only so much you can stretch. Can someone watch younger ds while you go out for the day with the older one? Doesn't have to be expensive, just a wander round your nearest city or a picnic in the park.

What exactly is happening when he is what you call "dysregulated"?

Talk us through an exact example of a situation that meant you had to stay in the room with DS2.
Then I might be able to give some suggestions.

Fwiw there's a misunderstanding in modern society that good parenting involves stopping children feeling unpleasant feelings; it shouldn't and cannot do this. It's about accepting that everyone has unpleasant feelings, these are often anxiety based and usually pass with gentle exposure.

I’m starting to wonder what the responses would be had OP posted that DS2 was physically disabled and needed one to one care. My guess is that there would be a lot more support for OP and much less criticism. There’s very little appreciation of the fact that ND conditions can be equally as hard to cope with, and in many cases, more so.

Id still expect the parent to try to divide their time more fairly. Its not always possible but there were extended family on this holiday, i think op could have asked her parents for some help with ds2. Yes, DS2 might not have liked this, but actually sometimes choices have to be made to take into account DS1 not always being bottom of the heap.

This reminds me a tiny bit of a friend who has 1 disabled child, 1 not. She got it imto her head that she could find a swimming teacher to teach the two boys together. The eldest was really quite disabled so needed specialist teaching She spent 5 years trying to do this, it meant her younger child did not get proper lessons for himself as he basically ended up tagging along in a disability lesson trying to help his disabled brother learn to float. He ended up the only child in his class when yr 6 swimming started who could not swim, and was as a result very underconfident and anxious about it. It was so unfair on him.

Interesting. Those sticking the boot into the OP who is doing everything she can for both kids would do well to think about that. I suspect some of them haven't bothered to read all of OP's posts about what she does do for the eldest.

Teenagers, even those with lovely lives, are frequently arses. For no reason.

Your DS may have had a reason, but even without an SEN sibling would probably have had a difficult stage.

Not-all-teenagers I know. And some parents pat themselves on the back for 'getting it right' because their teens are great. But a lot of it is down to hormones and normal teenage development. So those smug parents can fuck off.

A typical meltdown will come with no warning - occasionally I’ll have about 20 seconds to get somewhere away from busy area/ stairs etc. he’ll suddenly drop to the floor, start screaming, smacking his head, ripping at his hair, staring at me in panic and needing to know I’m nearby, and it will be a wave of hitting himself, scratching and biting himself, trying to hit his head on the floor/ wall with me stopping him or trying to. Co-regulation looks like me getting down on his level so he knows I’m there, only physically intervening when I have to stop him hitting his head against something hard and letting it ride out. 5% of my energy is spent either ignoring stares or thanking people who stop to ask if I’m ok and begging them to move away as it makes him worse. Can last from 20 mins to 2 hours normally. They leave both of us emotionally.
and physically exhausted. They are triggered by overwhelm which can be caused heart, hunger, sensory overwhelm, illness, anxiety, clothing sensitivity, noise, I could go on.

A ‘less preferred’ care giver can often make things worse - the childs’ father is a prime example. I do agree with you in that despite OP doing her best, DS very obviously isn’t getting the support he needs. But a much as posters may not like it, it sounds as though DS2 has a severe disability and a high level of need, and that makes him the priority. OP can’t simply delegate different carers in order to concentrate more on DS1 - potentially that could make things worse, as OP appears to be DS2’s safe adult.

It’s likely that OP is allocated a social or outreach worker if she getting carers respite. That being the case, a poster upthread suggested OP reach out to them to see if there is any additional support available to help address DS1’s needs. Professional input may be the best starting point because it’s clear that things are extremely difficult for all concerned.

Please don't be so hard on yourself! It's a very difficult situation for everyone all round.

And as for you swearing back at him, I remember swearing at my mum on the 2nd and I was magically transported to the 9th...with a sore bum 😅

Honestly, you are doing the best you can with what you've got. Teenagers are rude and annoying! But there is no way he can swear at you and it go unchecked!

Have you sourced any outside support?

Sending you some positive vibes. From experience, it DOES get better! 💐

And honestly, this is no different to any teenager. I had a very demanding job when my DC was a teen. And a lot of the time (at home / evenings / weekends) I was there but unavailable. Dad didn't contribute financially and so I had to do it all.

It's life. It doesn't meet all their needs. But imagine 40 years ago when we were young. Parents didn't do all this agonising over our emotions. Where we are now is better than that.

OP wants to know how to fix the relationship with DS1.
The fact is, her prioritising DS2 over DS1 is what’s damaging the relationship. Yes, she is a single mother doing her best, and yes, DS2 can’t be left to harm himself, but also, yes, DS1 is less of a priority to her, DS1 only gets attention when DS2 allows it, and it seems like the house revolves around keeping DS2 calm while DS1 just has to fit in.

No, he doesn’t want to go to a group that revolves around ‘people with embarrassing siblings who take up all their parents’ attention and ruin holidays’ (as he probably sees it) and have yet another thing that’s centred around his brother. And he’s pushing away his mum when she reaches out because it seems insincere and forced, he feels like second best, and he resents it.
His feelings are entirely valid and accurate, just as OP’s feelings of being at her wit’s end are valid.

Is there an easy solution? No, not unless their dad, or other extended family members step up, and DS2 is assisted in adjusting to having others around when he’s dysregulated instead of OP (if OP died, he’d have to get used to that, so it’s not impossible).

I would suggest breezily ignoring him mouthing off silently or smirking, as annoying as it is – he’s looking for a reaction anyway. Sure, he’s being stroppy, but given the situation, I think it’s better to pick your battles and let that slide at the moment.

I do think an honest chat might help. Lay it out, and be a little vulnerable. Be genuine – tell him that it’s a shitty situation that is no one’s fault, it’s really tough on him right now, you know, and it’s tough on you too, but you just have to slog through it and hope things balance out soon. Etc, etc. Perhaps ask him to have a think about what he wants, what you can do for him, or things you can do to make the household dynamic better for everyone.
Right now he’s powerless in this situation, and perhaps having a say and being properly listened to might help. although it might take him a while to figure out what he wants to say.

It does sound like there’s a lot of built up stress and resentment that’s boiled over for him, though, and it might take him some time to get past this and stop reacting by pushing you away, even if you do everything right (especially as part of this will just be teen angst).

OP I hope the posters who have viewed DS2 as nothing more than a naughty child who is acting up take the time to read this post and digest what it actually means for you as his main carer and the rest of your family. There is so much ignorance of what ND is. I’m so sorry you’re all going through this.

I don’t know if you saw that upthread a poster suggested reaching out to your social worker to explain your concerns about what’s happening with DS1, and to see what support may be available to help you address his needs. Is there any possibility of this ? I know from experience that provision is stretched to the limit in many areas, but given what’s happening it may be time to reassess your own level of support. Have you had a recent carers assessment because in your situation it should be regularly reviewed.

Tbh, I dont think you were all that wrong. Perhaps even not wrong at all.