How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

Sounds like you did your best. He shouldn't be swearing at you

I think this is a really good suggestion. The provision of weekly respite was what struck me too - having worked in disability support for over twenty years I recognise how difficult it is to secure because resources are so stretched, and it speaks to the significance of the disability and the level of support OP is responsible for as his carer. It’s also a sad fact of life that parents have to fight for every bit of input they get - again because resources are so stretched, and provision is patchy dependent on area.

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ve had a stressful holiday and got to breaking point. Your feelings are valid but so are your sons. You haven’t broken the relationship , your son is crying out for attention from you so now you have the younger one home where he can regulate, can you get someone to look after him and have some time with your older son? A walk/ Nando’s/ shopping trip where you can spend quality time together and validate his feelings about your relationship? A talk and a cuddle will make you both feel better and no boy is too old for a cuddle with his mummy!!

Why are you piling in on OP at every opportunity ? You clearly know nothing of the disability DS2 has because you’re continually addressing it as though he’s just a naughty child who acts up for attention. Do you really think that in such an overstretched social care system OP would be getting support and precious respite time if that was the case ? You were complaining upthread that posters were handing you your arse. Maybe look at some of your responses to OP and you’ll understand why.

And no, the youngest can’t regulate himself when he’s at his dads’. He masks - likely because he finds his dad, or the environment at his dad’s home stressful. Masking in itself is stressful and exhausting and it results in severe dysregulation when he returns home to OP, which only adds to the problem. So OP is effectively a single parent as far as DS2 is concerned because his father isn’t taking any of the load off her, he’s adding to it.

If you’re going to contribute at least do OP the courtesy of knowing what you’re talking about because with every post you’re demonstrating that you don’t and your negativity isn’t helping OP.

stop apologising now. Send him regular messages to say you love him or a heart emoji. Not every day. Buy him a treat and leave it in his room. Give him
a bit of space. Go in his room and just talk to him, don’t ask if he wants to chat, just chat briefly. Ask him how he is. When he does come round, organise something. Don’t ask what he wants to do. Just tell him a couple of days before that you’ve organised something so keep it free then on the day - Come on, we’re going out for brunch, bubble tea, coffee, food he likes. Keep it low key. Then hopefully, you can move onto an activity. Try a climbing wall, cinema, padel, swimming. You say come on, this is what we’re doing. Just a couple of hours is enough.

Stop apologising to your 14yr old for a start. Once is enough.

He needs to learn that parents are human not Disney characters, and we do our best with what we’ve got.

The more you pander to his childish sulking, the stroppier he will get. You made yourself available to him when you could and he chose not to accept your offer. That’s on him.

So many Gen Z kids are entitled selfish fuckers because they think the world should revolve around them. They need to learn about acceptance and gratitude.

I have two ND kids who pretty much fell apart after Covid. Added to that, one of them has a rare disease that it took a lot of time and energy to get a diagnosis for. As a result, my oldest (NT) has had far less of my time and attention than her siblings throughout her entire adolescence. She understands. Like your son - and many, if not the majority of NT teens - from 14 or so, her friends/peer group were the people she wanted to spend her free time with, rather than us, and I thank goodness that the worst of her siblings’ difficulties hit then, when she was forging her own social life, rather than earlier, when I was her preferred company. That doesn’t mean I didn’t/don’t feel guilty, or that she doesn’t occasionally feel resentful, but I apologise/explain, she says ‘I know’ and we move on. What’s going on with your eldest isn’t in your gift to fix - you’ve tried everything, offered all sorts to help him accept and understand the current situation (ie the impact of his brother’s condition on his life) and he’s refusing to engage. He sounds well-adjusted in some ways - lots of friends, developing age-appropriate independence - and as though he’s in the throes of a difficult stage of adolescence in others (grunting at family, feeling anger and resentment towards you because you’re not available, but not wanting you when you are, showing contempt/disrespect when you correct his behaviour). Yes, you shouldn’t have sworn, in the sense that as adults, we’re supposed to be the bigger people. However, we are people limits, and you’d been pushed beyond yours, in part by his rude contempt. You’ve apologised, and he’ll hopefully think twice before doing that again (at least in public). Move on. Let him stew. You’ve apologised. You’ve offered him time and support. He has a healthy social life beyond the home that you facilitate by letting him have friends around. He sounds a little bit like he’s punishing you for not being available to him, even though he doesn’t actually need you, which isn’t entirely reasonable (though totally normal adolescent behaviour). You’re a great mum who lost her shit in a difficult situation. He’ll get that when he grows up a bit. Sending solidarity xxx

@MyPlumHelper How old are you as you sound awfully immature and childish?

And once again. No understanding of the fact that DS2 has a severe disability. He’s just a kid receiving kindness because he has a meltdown. OP isn’t offering him time when it’s convenient for her, she’s offering time when she has a break from full time care. Do you not understand the difference ?

It’s the school holidays. That’s the only plausible explanation l can come up with for such crass and insensitive posts. Bored teen.

This isn't correct. Emotional dysregulation isn't only an nd thing. There are lots of reasons people struggle to regulate emotions. Trauma and loss of opportunities to develop safe and consistent relationships during childhood is a common reason for emotional dysregulation.

No one is born knowing how to manage emotions, it's something that's taught through co-regulation with a safe adult. Most dc are doing the best they can.

Framing one ds' difficulties as understandable in context and the other's as "just because they are a bad kid who's choosing to do that" is really harmful.

This is good advice.

I haven't rtft yet but I wonder if people are aware that when a child has special needs, the dad is likely to leave and not see the kids, as appears to have happened here? I see it time and time again on SEN forums and in real life.

Yet the mum who stayed gets the blame.

It doesn't sound like you neglect him at all. He's just being a bit of a Kevin the Teenager. Ignore people gleefully sticking the boot in when you are trying your best.

Everyone has piled on to a 14 yo boy and said he is the only one is this situation who should control himself. That he is just being nasty.

If his mother can't cope how can he.

I feel so sorry for him and the so called mothers in this site should be ashamed.

That poster has done nothing but stick the boot in to the OP throughout the thread when she's trying her best. He or she is a disgrace.

I’m failing to see what you’ve done wrong tbh.

The only thing i’d have done differently is taken his phone off him for the holiday.

Hopefully the mild humiliation he experienced by being told off in public will stay with him and make him realise he cannot behave like that. you’re far more restrained than I would have been.

No way would I put up with behaviour like that.

Unfortunatey, you can't constantly sideline your eldest like this. Its not fair on him.

It sounds difficult because it may be that you’re constantly trying to make up for him having a special needs brother so it must be hard to see what is regular bad behavior and what comes from frustration. Does he act out at other times unrelated to his brother? How do you react then? Is everything never his fault ( I totally understand why that would be) Regularly telling you to F off and pushing his brother while alone with him isn’t great behavior when it stands alone.

Agreed, I can't believe how entitled some kids are now, makes me wonder what the world will look like when these people are in charge of things.

I would never in a million years have behaved like that to my mum. We didn't have a close relationship, never did stuff together and hardly ever went on holiday. But it would never have occurred to me to swear at my mum.

OK I have read all the OP's posts now.

I don't think there is any more you can do, OP. You have gone to huge efforts to offer support to your older son and to give time to him, to the extent you can, when you are caring for another child with high needs. Your older son rejects every opportunity to either spend time with you or to talk to others about how he feels.

Your useless ex spends about 5 waking hours with the kids a week.

Do you have someone to talk to yourself? I think that's the only thing I can think of because it is very very tough to be constantly rejected and blamed like this.

By the way, my 13 year old can be just as unpleasant as your oldest and she doesn't even have a sibling! Your feelings and wellbeing are important too.

Completely agree with this.

I have 2 DS’s. They are now 19 and 26. Both have ADHD, oldest one also had Tourette’s. I feel for you, I really do. We’ve been in similar situations re the disregulation etc. it’s fucking hard work mentally and emotionally. I’m not surprised you snapped. I’m the most patient person in the world but I won’t lie my youngest could test the patience of a bloody saint and I have snapped occasionally too.
At the moment he won’t accept your apology… have you tried taking him for a drive? Offer to take him for a McDonald’s drive through or something. Sounds daft but sitting side by side with no eye contact is a life saver in our house. DS2 will now text me asking if we can go for a drive, I know this means he’s struggling or has something he wants to talk about. Be open and honest. Admit you’ve found it difficult while on holiday. There’s no shame in it. Admit you snapped and shouted because you were at the end of your rope. But make sure he accepts his part in what happened. He’s old enough for an honest conversation.
You’ve got this x

So what's your solution given that she's got two kids, one with significant disabilities, and an ex who has them a single night a week?

Shouting because of rudeness is not the end of the world, he needs to not speak to you that way. But the bigger issue here is that the younger child’s needs are constantly prioritised over his brother’s because you perceive them as greater. This is obviously going to lead to resentment. I do not have the perfect answer but I think your decision to stay with the younger child until he is regulated while the older has to wait is unfair, and if it were me I would find ways to change this dynamic so you have regular non-negotiable quality time with your eldest that isn’t dictated by his brother’s needs.

He could perhaps consider taking part in the counselling/the siblings' group that were offered to him? He has made it very clear he will not speak to his mum.about his feelings. He actively avoids spending time with her (and also avoided extended family on the holiday, preferring to speak to mates on the phone).

If you reject all help and company (as teenagers often do!) you will.... have no help or company.