How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

From your posts, it seems like you do wonderful job of seeing your youngest's behaviour in the context of the difficulties he's having, but don't do this as much for your eldest. I wonder if, because he's the older dc, you're expecting more from a 14yo than is really reasonable. All the talk of independence and holidays with friends makes me think you're seeing him as older than he is. I also wonder how much of a caring role he's forced into at his df's house.

Ultimately your ds is a child who's life has been significantly impacted by his brother's needs and who has less parental support than peers because of this. That isn't your fault, but it's the reality of the situation. It's completely understandable that he'll express his frustration in ways that aren't ideal, in part because teenage brain development is a messy thing, and in part because he's had tangibly less parenting time to help him develop skills to regulate his emotions and tolerate distress.

I guess that you'd never publicly humiliate your younger ds for engaging in behaviours linked to his disability. I think you need to reframe how you think of your dc, as two young people both experiencing difficulties that aren't their fault, and both needing your support. One can't always come first, you need to weigh their needs.

Of course your eldest will initially rebuff offers of time together. He's keeping himself safe from the pain of wanting you and not being able to have you. You're the adult, so you have to stick with attempts to reconnect for long enough that he starts to believe there will always be time for him.

I had a holiday similar to this when my DD. was 13, and that’s without the additional difficulties you had.

He’s at an age where he’s in peak self-centred mode and he’s got no patience with a sibling with additional needs. It is tough for siblings as the whole family dynamic is different. There’s nothing you can do because he’s determined to be right.

Apologise and move on. He’ll grow up and out of this behaviour.

Ok first of all mum you are doing the best you can. Take a beat and give yourself a pat on the back for making through the holiday.

secondly I have a younger sister with serve disabilities, I have always been the child pushed into the corner, even now when we are adults my parents will always choose her to help over me. I know it’s because she needs more help than me but it has taught me a lifetime of “my parents care/love my sister more”. I imagine this is how your son is feeling. His reaction and behaviour is unacceptable but I can sympathise with his frustration greatly.

moving forward I would give him a day or two to settle in back home. If possible I would ask family to have younger son for the day. Sit down with your eldest and tell him you’re sorry but his behaviour isn’t acceptable then tell him you have till 5pm (whatever time works for you) of just the two of you and ask what he wants to do. Just give him some time on his terms not your own.

I promise you will get it all straightened out x

Tics, not ticks. Jesus, the lack of understanding of disability is astounding.

Well there we have it, the youngest can regulate himself when dad around.

Ever consider the youngest is playing you yp because you pander to him.

Either he can control his behaviour or he can't, and if he can't he shouldn't be able to behave better for his father.

Also sick of you saying you're a single parent and without a husband on this thread. You are not a single parent Their father is around.

What does damaged mean exactly - we are all affected by experiences but mostly we get through them- op has apologised maybe this yp will come out of it in his own time- but building resilience and confidence requires adult resilience as,a role model. OP may unintentionally feed the grievance by continuing to apologise?
Maybe her being able to moving away from guilt and shame assists him?
Just a thought.

Honestly you’ve been very unfair here and your son is absolutely justified in his response to you.

Youngest brother has a meltdown and receives kindness, calmness, your undivided attention.

Oldest brother behaves less than perfectly, as a typical teenager who sounds quite understanding actually, and you start screaming and shouting at him. No grace for him, is there?

You offer him time when it’s convenient for you. Not when he needs it.

You’ve sent lots of messages over the last two weeks. You’re harassing him and you need to leave him alone now. You need to respect his decision and allow him the space to come around.

That is how it is when a family has one member with additional needs, would you be so judge if the child had a more obvious physical disability which prevented holiday's or would you tell the parent they are doing the best they can?

@Pumpkinlatte1235 honestly, don't beat yourself up about shouting at him in that moment, he had hit his brother and was swearing at you so he bloody deserved a telling off. Having a difficult homelife / sibling doesn't give you carte blanche to just be a twat to everyone, so he does need to know that.

Of course he is a teenager and not mature enough to fully realise this yet, or how hard you probably worked to try and make this holiday happen, or how shit if was for you. He might benefit from some counselling. You could also talk to his school or look on google about the young carers association which can provide opportunities for young people affected by caring responsibilities to get some opportunities for them.

For now, keep the apology light. " Sorry for shouting at you in public, we were all stressed out and none of us were at our best. I am a bit worried that you are struggling with your db's behaviour though, which is understandable because it is challenging, so I am going to look into getting us some more support with that".

I want to ask. Do you have any kind of a life? Any quality of life? I read these every day, I am starting to think most mothers literally have to sacrifice every shred of their own wellbeing these days. I think it's time to say it's ok to be angry and ok to not want a totally shit and miserable life.

I'm sorry, being a single mum in this scenario must be incredibly hard.

The problem is, it can be true that you have no choice but to prioritise your son with SEN in order to keep him physically safe and that this is really difficult for your other child. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

How do you tend to talk about this with your son? I have a child with SEN and my instinct is to speak about him positively at all times and push for understanding, but your 14 year old needs you to acknowledge that his brother's needs negatively impact him without placing emphasis on him being understanding.

So instead of telling him "I'm sorry but you know your brother needs me to regulate or he will self harm", say something like "I'm sorry I need to stay with your brother when he is deregulated, it must be really hard for you. It's ok if you feel angry, hurt, or frustrated and I wish I could be there for you whenever you want or need me too".

Basically, don't shame him for any negative feelings or expect him to put his brother's needs first.

So what's your solution?

Op, I think you might be able to move forward by reframing your attempts at connection.

you are saying that you are offering 1:1 time and asking what he wants.

at the moment he “knows” you love him less than his sibling so he’s protecting himself from experiencing that pain by spending time with friends and rejecting you. Some of this is inevitable as teenagers gonna teenage.

but try reframing it as you saying “I’d love to spend some time with you.”
then you suggest something that he won’t hate too much but you like, along with his favourite restaurant or whatever.

it changes the narrative from “mum’s got spare time away from ds2 and is so detached from me she doesn’t know what I like and anyway I hate her so I’d rather be with my friends”

keep going on the bids for connection.

the posters saying the 14 should grow up and realise how hard it is - people don’t do things just because they should.

Did you actually hear what went on with the boys, as I agree it does sound like the story has changed from believing DS2 based on what has happened in the week, to now you saw it happen.
Part of me wonders if DS2 was goading his brother til he lashed out (with DS2 knowing you were watching and once again he would come out as favourite).

I think you are in an impossible situation. While you say you offer DS1 time, it's always on DS2s terms (he has to be regulated, he has to be at respite) it's never spontaneous. I think he probably feels that nothing he does will ever be as important as DS2 as he will always be the priority.
I don't know how you resolve that though.

Accept that women cannot always resolve intractable problems which they didn't create? Expect others to accept it?

Please be kinder to yourself op, of course you feel guilt for the outburst but you’re human and it sounds like your son has been very disrespectful. Those saying you’ve abandoned him while on holiday, there’s not a teenager I know that would be hanging out with his mum, it would be pools and slides, entertainment rooms, whatever your holiday had in term of fun would be where my kids would be not spending time with me much! He needs to realise you are there for him and from what you’ve posted he does get your time and attention, but he needs to be kinder, who looks out for you? Does he realise the holiday wasn’t much of a holiday for you? Sending hugs, it already sounds like you’re doing your best, try not to let unkind comments stick, your teenager will be fine, it sounds like he needed to be put in his place.

I’ve not read every single answer but have you ever sat your eldest down and acknowledged that what he’s going through is totally shit and unfair?

Because DS1 is not dysregulated. DS2 is ND and significantly disabled from what OP has said. Emotional dysregulation is a neurological difficulty in managing emotional responses - it’s an overwhelming and completely involuntary nervous system response during which the brain struggles to keep the person calm. The result can be self harm, and OP has said this is the case with DS2. Dysregulation can last for hours or days, leaving the person completely exhausted - OP having to spend a lot of the time with DS2 in a quiet environment while he recovers will be a regular feature of her being his main carer. Chronic dysregulation interferes significantly with everyday functioning, mental health, and ultimately relationships further down the line.

DS1’s behaviour is not dysregulation. It’s a controlled and conscious choice to express his frustration. Entirely understandable but not stemming from disability. He was also manipulative, as many posters have pointed out. He behaved appallingly to OP in an already stressful situation and then when she snapped, he demanded an apology from her. We all have our breaking point and her response was understandable.

OP isn’t ’ignoring’ DS1. She’s trying her best as a single parent to cope with her younger son’s disability, and in an ideal world your suggestion of putting him first and spending quality one on one time would be a good one. OP gets one day of respite from her caring duties - DS2 is necessarily her main concern, so ‘fixing’ her relationship with DS1 isn’t going to be that easy without more time away from caring duties. Respite from caring is very difficult to secure - resources are stretched, and the fact that OP has that indicates DS2 has significant disability, so she can’t just drop the rope and concentrate on DS1 to the exclusion of all else , as much as it’s evident from her posts that she would like to.

Does your son attend a local young carers group for support? If not I would try and arrange that for him as they can support him.

If he was 3 when his younger brother was born and youve always had to prioritise your youngest, I think he will possibly feel a lot of resentment, feeling unloved and isolated. Sounds like he is on the sidelines, a bystander watching you and your youngest go through life.

I understand difficult for you juggling things. Where is his father, could he go and live with him or another relative who has time to and energy to prioritise him?

I know of one similar family where eldest went and lived with relative and started thriving as she loved having him there and poured her time and love into him, supporting education, general upskilling and encouraged extra curriculars. Things settled down between him and his Mum enough that he joins for a family holiday and special occassions but thats all.

I wonder if he rejects it because he feels you’re only doing it because you have respite. So it’s only because you don’t have his brother. It’s not you actively choosing to make a day free for him.

I know that that’s not the case and you actively do want to spend time with him but wonder if it is how it comes across to him

If you read the OP’s posts, she said this: ‘He’s been offered sibling carer groups he refused to go to‘

Well how do you suggest doing that with a 14 year old boy?

Also while there might be acceptance even as an adult that's the way things are, it doesn't stop resentment or guilt. I am not sure many can walk away from that and be blase and say well life's shit, never mind.
Humans have emotions, you seem to suggest switching them off - but how?

Absolutely this. I can’t believe some of the responses here. OP is in a situation which would floor many people and yet posters who clearly have no appreciation of the level of disability or the stress of being a full time carer are piling in on her as though she can’t just magically pull the solution out of the air. And many posters seem to have little or no understanding of ND and are commenting as though DS2 is just a naughty child who plays up and goads his brother. Sometimes there is no solution and as you say, you just have to accept it.

My oldest child has a similar profile and it does affect my younger child a lot. I make sure we have a set time together once a.week for an hour to play or chat or whatever my child wants. But we also plan monthly trips somewhere - swimming, bowling etc whatever they fancy.

I think choice is so important in these circumstances, so i make sure they get ti choose which weekend, where to go,.timing etc as much as possible (I'm also a single mum so it does depend upon my parent availability too). How much choice over time together does your oldest child get?

What support is your youngest child having in terms of therapy, meds etc?

I assume you have social worker if you have such a high amount of respite (as it is incredibly hard to get weekly respite these days). Can they offer input for your oldest or arrange family mediation etc?

You can’t do that with a 14 year old boy. All you can do is support him and make sure he understands that things are the way they are from necessity and not choice. But it needs to be on a level that he understands. I think the problem here is that many posters are looking for a solution and sometimes there just isn’t one. OP isn’t in a position to drop the rope with DS2 so she can concentrate on DS1.

Firstly, I sympathise with your situation. You've got it hard being a lone parent and dealing with all this.

Eldest's behaviour was not acceptable, so well done you for giving him an earful and letting him know that he was being disrectful and you will not tolerate that behaviour.

However he has tried to tell you why he's so cheesed off, and you've negated his feelings. Poor lad feels very unheard and you're constantly sidelining him.
Every single one of your replies when explaining how you divide your time, or offered to spend time with your eldest, says "I offered time when Youngest was asleep" or "time with him when youngest was happy to spend time with relative". That isn't prioritising. You're only putting eldest FIRST when youngest isn't around to come SECOND in your priorities.

Youngest isn't happy being left with a relative? Tough shit he's going to have to have to get used to it on occasion. He might not be calm but even just for 15 minutes you can leave him supervised by a relative and have a wander out for an quick ice cream with eldest. Just because Youngest is ND doesn't mean he isn't also playing you to get your sole attention.

Eldest seems to be just as much at the end of his tether with the situation as you are. He's tried to fix it by telling you, but you disagreed with his feelings, so that didn't work for him. So he's now dealing with those feelings in an alternative way, which is to take them out on you. How can you fix this? Hopefully with time, by showing him he's a PRORITIY to you. An active priority when Youngest comes SECOND.

And yes, that might be hard for you. And hard for Youngest, and hard for relatives. But is desperately needs to happen.