How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

With respect, there is a lot of projection here. OP is not pacifying DS2 to avoid a meltdown. He has significant disability, self harms when he dysregulates and she is his primary carer. She’s tried to make time for DS1 and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want it, preferring to be with his friends. I don’t understand posters trying to guilt trip OP when she’s already in a difficult situation.

Maybe he is sick and tired of being an afterthought people are not robots where each feeling and reaction is an isolated one off i presume most human beings have a collection of feelings and reactions over time?

Maybe there is a reason he prefers his friends?

Teenage boys bleugh. Disabilities in the family and "normal" siblings big bleugh. Im sibling of disabled with a disabled child and it is not easy my nephew is youngest of 3 and knowing how we felt 2nd fiddle we did our utmost to try and give attention to the other kids, being single mums we went on holiday together and tag teams so that we could 121 and make memories with the other kids while knowing the other mum had our back and child was safe.
Instead of offering time when ds2 is in respite etc could you ask DS1 for a date and time that he would be available and what wouldhe like to do suppose like a date with your kid and you work round him not DS2.

My DS hit 15 and no longer wanted to go in wee holidays or days out just me and him. Llke you I thought ticket to see a band they liked was a great idea and while he enjoyed everything in a teenager way me being at the gig wasn't fun for him when everyone around the venue seemed to with their pals. I was up the back with a few other parents and older people avoiding mosh pits etc it was at the start of names on tickets and threats of no entry if named person not there so no pal invited and I really really wanted to spend time with him as we both like art galleries museums etc

I know at some point I will need to take on sibling carer role in future my nephews have thoughts on sibling care when their mum is not fit any more and it's such a shame that they always have it in the back of their minds and their young families are learning as babies what to not so or say incase it triggers a meltdown even though he adores them

Keep trying to do your best for them both thats all you can do xxx

Very possibly, but l don’t think OP is treating him as an afterthought. Although l think it’s very normal for someone of DS1s age to see it as such because the nature of being a full time carer is that you fit other priorities around caring duties. Maybe what’s needed is a heart to heart with him about what her caring role actually involves and a reassurance that it doesn’t mean she loves him any less - which she clearly doesn’t.

Why is it you can say your younger son is dysregulated but not your older son.

put yourself in his shoes, you are on a family holiday & have pretty much ignored him in favour of your younger son. He knows he comes 2nd best, he is acting out because of this.

You behaviour in the airport is disgusting.

It is probably beyond frustrating for your child to be ignored by the one person who should not be ignoring him.

how do you fix it? You are going to have to put him first and start spending quality 1 on 1 time with him where he gets your full undivided attention. If you don’t the relationship will deteriorate further to the point when he leaves home he will go NC/low contact with you

Let the dust settle op. Hols with ND teens can be immensely hard work.

Honestly don’t stress it is good for teenagers to see they can only push so far. It’s an important life lesson because if they overstep the mark with the wrong person, bad things can happen.

And if you don’t want to go away again, don’t. Holidays are a privilege not a right. Different circumstances but our DS was an ungrateful arse to us on holiday at 15. We never went away as a family again.
Life lesson.

I was responding to a PP rather than OP and trying to describe What It Can Be Like in more general terms, but point taken.

I agree with this. The opening post still tries to justify why the older child should be understanding and accepting of this situation- without recognising the hurt that is caused seeing one sibling get so much (even if it is needed).

the older child has being crying out for attention in their own way all week, but is expected to just cope, and the result is they’ve snapped. Just because they are neurotypical doesn’t mean they have an endless capacity to absorb

Firstly, your situation sounds enormously difficult - I have huge respect for anyone who parents alone, let alone parenting a child with complex needs. No idea how you do it. So please don't take what I am about to say as a criticism.

However, I just thought it might be useful to share what I read from your posts. You may dismiss me as entirely wrong and that's fine, but it may possibly be something you want to reflect on, I don't know.

Basically, although you say you feel terrible about what you did, I get the strong sense that what you actually feel terrible about it that your eldest won't say he forgives you. Your posts to me imply that you feel that all of your actions were actually inevitable (both during the holiday, and the incident in the shop at the end of it). Your original OP lists all the reasons why you did what you did, all the things your eldest son did wrong etc. There is a lot about all the good things you did too, and any suggestions posters make about things you could have done differently, you quickly explain that that would have been impossible, or tbat you did actually do that rhing.....

This sounds critical and it isn't meant to be - maybe it's true and you did behave absolutely as anyone would in the circumstances (who am I to judge?.). But if so there isn't much point in apologising. And perhaps your eldest son gets the feeling that you feel like this too, and that's why he won't accept the apology. What you do with that I don't know. It's just an observation really.

It really sadly seems that, if your relationship with your youngest continues as it is, you will continue to alienate your eldest - and also it just sounds pretty untenable to keep living as you are. It feels like you don't believe changing that relationship is possible, so you are desperately hoping your eldest will relentless, and start to feel ok about the status quo. Maybe he will, but unfortunately I think it's unlikely. As you love both kids, I think you need to shift your mindset, hard as that must be, and see that something has to change for the sake of your eldest.

But what do I know? That was just the sense of things I got from your posts. Again, I am not being critical, as I massively respect the resilience of people in your position!

Families are messy, complex and unpredictable. Children have to learn this and I take the view that this can build empathy, family values and shared responsibility.

Your DS got what he deserved. He was rude and manipulative when he could see you were trying your very best despite having a shit time. His behaviour was atrocious and perhaps you giving him a dose of his own medicine might help him see you.

Youngest again because older hit him and was making fun of his ticks. Should op leave her youngest with ticks?

Don't apologise again.
Your eldest was so rude to you and is old enough to understand extra needs of disabled brother.

Make a mental note to focus on each child more equally, time wise. Try actually allocating time by looking at clock - an hour prioritising each.

I have now read through the full thread and feel so sorry for the kid.

OP is clearly trying but the same excuses/reasoning are used all the way through over & over again. Everyone missing that he wants to be with his friends because its better than being at home.

I don’t have any answers but he is one very unhappy young man & has no one fighting for him.

Honestly what a tough situation. Appologise later but your teen is learning not to be cocky. Also your teen swearing at you is a big no. Hang in there as a mum with other kids with additional needs it is not easy on any day. Sometimes explaining to your kids your human and just reached your limit is all you can do.

You are in an impossible situation. Your eldest feels neglected, which is awful (and true to some degree). But what the hell are you supposed to do?? Split yourself in two? I imagine if your younger one needed help with a physical condition, eg you had to hold him in a certain way to avoid excruciating neck pain say, people would be more sympathetic.

Family therapy would be ideal but it’s so hard to access.

You just need to reassure him as you are doing, try and spend time with him, but also chastise your younger one when he has been ‘bad’ as well. You need to keep showing that you love them both. It sounds so tough.

You can stop apologising now. Are you able to have frank and open discussions with him about his childhood, and what could have been done differently? Reflect on your own challenges and weaknesses, and think about how to plan a better future. Will he be able to listen?

This sounds really hard. My only suggestion would be to physically 'book instead time with DS1 on DS1's respite days a week on 2 ahead (i.e. get it to put it in his phone calendar) and agree what you're going to do to remove some of his reasons/excuses for not doing the 1:1 time so you can't start it to become a bit more of a habit.

I’m sorry it was a tough holiday for all of you. On my family holiday we all rowed a lot and saw other families doing the same. I know there’s more going on here but the heatwave is really taking a wrecking ball to peoples’ holidays this year. You’re right to not want to repeat the behaviour. But also be forgiving of yourself. You’re all human and it was a very tough holiday.

I think a lot of the responses you are getting are from people who have no idea the struggle you are living every day. My youngest son is younger than yours but is autistic and non verbal, he has no danger awareness and self harms by hitting his head or hitting himself. He needs 1 to 1 care at all times and it is exhausting, he has been worse in the school holidays.
I do think your older son is struggling with this but it is not your fault and I do think it will get better. Just keep doing what you’re doing, keep trying to talk to your oldest son, he will have to respond at some point. He won’t feel like this forever. Teenagers can be difficult at the best of times but when you’re already leading a difficult life it can be so much harder.
I keep saying to myself that things will improve when schools go back, I hope it does for you too!

Your problem isn’t going on holiday. You have a problem full stop, the holiday just brought it to the forefront. Time to start listening and paying attention to your eldest or you can choose to carry on and then wonder why your eldest son has cut contact.

Or tough truth? Have you ever been in this dynamic? I saw it play out in my cousins and the sad result is of course the older one separates from family as soon as they are old enough and the younger one never gets better no matter how disproportionately care is divided up.

I haven't read the full thread, but of course he doesn't want to go to a sibling carer group - that's just yet another thing that, at its core, is caused by/revolves around his brother.

I understand you're between a rock and hard place, but it's understandable that at 14 he feels neglected, abandoned, and second best, and is reacting by withdrawing from you and hanging out with friends or pushing you away even when you're available.

At 14, I recommend talking to him fairly frankly. Tell him that you're a single mum, you're fucking exhausted, and sometimes you would love to be able to just spend time with him and relax, or just have five minutes to yourself, but you can't let his brother hurt himself, and it's not his fault he tries to, and you love them both, so you're trying really hard to make it work. Tell him you're sorry if he feels second best, but he's really not - he's your first baby, and he will always be special for that. Try to spend some more time with him, staying up late on a school night sometimes, for instance.

14 to 16 is a rough age anyway though, and I've found it's when teenagers are at their moodiest and most fragile. You just have to keep pressing on, show him love, and hope that as he gets older, he'll start to understand better.

@Pumpkinlatte1235 I personally think you are giving your 14 year old too much freedom - why is he given the choice of spending time with you? It should be written in the calendar, non-negotiable, otherwise of course your relationship will suffer. I have a 14 year old, she doesn't get to choose her friends over time with me. Family comes first, and teenagers are still children, who need direction and appreciate clear boundaries.
If I were you, I would say from now on, during respite we will be spending quality time together because I miss you and I want to spend more time with you. Then find an activity to do once a week. You can find a shared hobby. He might sneer and roll his eyes the first few weeks but I would put money on him eventually, maybe secretly, looking forward to it. He then has the other 6 days a week to go out with friends.

My friend’s younger brother was born with a severe medical condition and spent the first 2 years of his life in hospital essentially in an incubator until he could have a transplant. I’ll never forget her shouting once “I WISH HE WAS NEVER BORN” in the midst of an argument with her mum. Their parents broke up with the stress which she naturally blamed him for.

Your teen likely feels something similar. His life isn’t how it should be because his younger brother has severe autism and Tourette’s by the sound of things. Maybe he’s embarrassed by this a little because he’s a teen, maybe he’s just sick of his brother hogging the limelight constantly. Either way, him acting out is basically a cry for help. Happy teens act out sometimes too but not constantly. I think he’s just a bit sick of his brother.