How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

Op have you looked into pans/pandas?

Your son having the symptoms he has after a viral illness makes me think it is that. There are fb groups and things online but it can be treated

I'm 42 and have masked heavily my entire life simply to get by as an undiagnosed ND person, as has my more severely affected younger sibling. Though masking is stressful and I wish it wasnt even a thing, I simply don't believe a modern, well supported and diagnosed child masking sometimes - potentially for 15 hours a week - is that big of a deal. The op hasn't said her ex is abusive, a shouty angry man or anything apart from he's set in his ways.

To be frank, neither of us know the ins and outs, but a) DS2 is okay enough when regulated to go into a busy shop with his brother to buy things b) OP says he was pretty HF up until a year ago c) OP has said its the meltdowns with self harm are the main issue, so I am basing my "appreciation of his disability" on that.

I am aware OP isn't intentionally prioritising one child over the other - but she is right now functionally prioritising one child over the other because DS1 is showing all the signs of emotional neglect, is only 14, has likely been struggling for a year already, and his needs matter as much as his brother's - equally. Not more. Not less. They can't necessarily be met equally by OP but that doesn't mean they're less important. With my suggestion DS2 retains priority 6 out of 7 days a week.

If OP doesn't seek to carve out time for DS1, she's accepting the emotional damage to him as simply the cost of keeping everyone else - DS2 and ex - happy. I have been that kid. It is the shittest place to be. I'm not digging in to my position for the sake of it or to try to put the boot in - DS1's needs are just as important as DS2's needs. Are their needs different? Yes. Can DS1 stand to have a little less of his needs met, given his brother's disabilities? Yes. But the balance is off right now, and DS1 is exhibiting serious distress. That is not less real and less important because DS2's needs more obvious/simply more. IMO OP needs to put something in place for DS1 to try to counter that. OP asked how to make it up to DS1 - my suggestion is just one suggestion, but the point of it is its a regular slot where she prioritises him, which is what he needs.

Anyway, it's late - good luck OP.

I am certain ds2 masks until he gets back home to me and is avle
to relax fully, hence the meltdown. Nothing to do with the older child (not sure how i portray him? But in case I’ve not done so, He’s gorgeous, popular, caring, loving and funny, and teenage moody)

Do you have any thoughts what this could be? He has the offer of 121 time with me in morning, evening and one day a week. He has the chance to be with me and his brother after their respective schools finish but he chooses to go out with friends straight from school and never
wants to do anything with me on the other times that are set in place in case he wants to spend time with me. Genuinely not sure what else I can do.

I have, thank you for raising it. He was assessed at great cost but bloods /
timeline were determined to be AuDHD, puberty and Tourette’s.

Wow. he is having a great teenage drama time making you feel dreadful isn't he?
"ill never forgive you. Stop apologising."
Yes. Stop apologising.
He is 14. Just listen to a Smiths album, specifically the one with the track "Heaven Knows I'm miserable now". They love feeling hard done by.

You were doing what you could in a difficult time. He doesn't fully understand that because he's only 14.
But the two of you will get over that. Do some normal teenagers and mum things, make him some toast and laugh at him when you pass him the peanut butter.

He knows you are his mum and you love him.
So being a mum means that you have to show him that, even when he is being a twat so that he can come back from that. He feels a bit neglected but there are reasons for that ( he is NOT an only child, although in his brain he is the worlds most important person and eveything revolves around him)

I always found with teenages it was worth asking them... what would you do in my position.. which gives them a chance to see how hard it is.
Forgive yourself.. But also.. think about your attitude to punishments. I don't mean that rudely, but banning him from buying snacks for the flight was completely counterproductive and I feel you were buying into the hardline theory that there must be repurcussions for rhat behaviour. Was he buying snacks for all of you? just makes for a miserable flight and carrys on the whole thing. I think he might be more annoyed about that. Its not that you were wrong to do that, but more that it didn't get you any resolution, just added to his sense of grievance.

Ask him what HE thinks would be a suitable comeback for swearing at you in public. Tell him frankly what you need to do to help younger and ask him for ideas for how you can manage younger one and keep him happy at the same time.
He might start seeing it from your point of view. Teenagers who are full of "justice" can surprise you when you pose these questions.

Teenagers who are only 14 can say and do dumb things. But you have to forgive him and move forward. They are only 14. Seeing you do that is important because they need to know that you can come back from stupid behaviour and do better and that you can consider the impact on other people .
You can realise that others have more complex needs.
You are his mum and he still loves you, even though you are both at odds with each other.

It will get better . Keep going xx

It was aimed at the quoted poster.

I have no doubt that your eldest is all the things that you say and that he loves his brother.

But he is screaming for attention from you. that is why he hid in the room on holiday he and why he doesn't want the others that were there.

But he wants you to make time for him,. and show him that he is still important.

As other have said start small, little gifts, his favorite drinks, make his favourite food for him, even if you have to do it separately to yours and the younger brother.

And yes he is becoming independent, but that is because he has to be.
He spends time with his friends because he can be himself with them and not have to be strong for you.

And maybe just maybe, the holiday brought back all the feelings of what his life could be like when he looks at how the other members of the family are and how little stress they are under because he is under stress as well.

First post has nailed it. He fucked around and found out. He won’t forget this.

I do all these things already. If I’m at the shops I always pick him up his favourite chocolate or drink or something I know he’ll like and leave it in his room. I don’t know what else to do.

He is trying to tell you what is wrong and you are not listening to him. He's saying no to more 1 on 1 time because that won't fix the problem. The problem is not about how much time he has with you, it's not about how nice you are to him, it's about how you treat him when his brother is around. His brother lied to get him into trouble - and you didn't even ask for his side of the story before you judged him - and just completely lost it with him, way more than was justified, over something he believes he didn't even do. In that instance he sees you clearly favour your DS2 in a way that has nothing to do with his ND. The way your DS1 is reacting suggests that this favouritism is not a one off but something he sees as an entrenched dynamic that he is now giving up on getting you to recognise. Of course he won't go to counselling - offering that suggests to him that you think he's the one with the problem and all he has to do is learn to accept that your DS2 has to be priority and all will be well. And he's right, you do think this. But I guarantee in his mind he thinks there's no point in him going as it's not him that has the problem, he believes it's you, I bet if you asked he would say he actually understands the attention DS2 needs, and is probably feeling quite insulted that you think he doesn't. That what he really resents is the favouritism that he believes goes over and above DS2's ND needs. If you asked him to go to counselling together so he could help you to understand better how the dynamics in your relationship are damaged you might get a more positive response. DS2 has a lot of behavioural challenges, but he's also not above being a typical sibling lying about his brother when he wants to get him into trouble, and while you can't discipline him in the same way as a NT child, you can, and need to start, showing your DS1 that just because his brother is ND, it doesn't mean he gets away with everything. He needs to see you being really vigilant about the dynamics and equity when you are all together so that DS1 feels you are on his side too. DS1 doesn't need more attention, he just needs to feel that, when you are all together, you are treating both boys as fairly as possible, right now, he feels you favour DS2 much more than his ND needs require.

I know you're trying very hard OP. Not really anything which likely hasn't already been mentioned here - a weekend away just you and DS1. Regular time in where you do something special together bringing him just you and him to something aligned to what he loves eg gaming expo, book signing, vintage store browsing then burgers out - whatever.

On DS2's dysregulation, our son really suffered after we moved house, and Nemechek protocol did help over time, I think essentially as it regulated his nervous system. Daily very high strength omega 3 fish oils, olive oil and inulin. For ages we literally had to use his favourite sweets a bribe to take the Calpol syringe of it like a shot, but we decided it was worth it. Anyway, when it got REALLY bad and there were multiple meltdowns per day and he was super distressed, we did give him cut down CBD dummies for a while to take the edge off for him, and it absolutely helped him through that very tough period of time, though you may not be comfortable with that.

But he did do it - I saw him do it!

what what he really resents is the favouritism that he believes goes over and above DS2's ND needs.

You articulated that so well. YES - THIS.

This is what you posted

Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red.

Eldest said that he 'pushed and laughed' you don't say what at

You are now saying that you saw him do it.

There is nothing wrong with losing sight of your kids for a few seconds/minutes.

but you have changed what happened overthe thread.

You also never actually say what DS2 was doing at the time.

I so disagree with the direction of the comments. He is supposed to be the eldest child and have some kind of family role and responsibility. He should be respectful to his mum and help with his sibling. Were you all brought up to bargain for extra treats / special time etc with no sense of a role? That is bananas to me.

No child signs up to be their siblings carer.
And nobody should expect them to be.

I have seen first hand just how destructive it can be.

Not a carer in the modern sense. But a family role. You’re not supposed to be acting like OPs boy at that age—you’re just not.

And how am l ‘portraying’ the elder child ? My criticism of him was regarding the way he behaved towards his mother. Yes he may be acting out because of the situation but that doesn’t give him the right to behave the way he did. I’m not alone in that opinion so l’m not sure why you’re targeting me.

You’ve had a go at OP several times seemingly with no understanding of the nature or severity of DS2’s disability, or how difficult things are for her - if she’s managed to secure respite from caring duties once a week, it’s an indication that she’s navigating significant disability.

And l’m not sure you understand what masking and dysregulation are. DS2 masks when he’s at his dad’s. Put simply that means he’s suppressing his natural behaviours and traits in order to fit in with the expectations of others - in this case his dad. This is incredibly stressful, which is why it ends up with dysregulated behaviour once he’s out of that environment and back at OP’s - it’s a release of the stress and effort of masking. So it’s not a case of his brother ‘managing’ him at his dad’s. It’s the fact that he feels the need to mask while he’s there.

OP clarified upthread that she was sitting on a suitcase in the shop doorway and had sight of them.

I think you are being way too hard on yourself here. Stop apologising, you’ve apologised enough and he is making you pay. At this point I would be explaining how you feel, that you are trying and struggling, you were out of order and you’re working on your own overwhelm, and you’re asking for a little grace.
It’s clear from the fact you posted in the first place and from the bits you’ve added that you do try and show your eldest you care about him. But he is a teenage boy, and it’s a tricky time for them - a lot of what you describe is just teenage boy attitude, and it’s hard to hear from them. Just. continue to show up for him and give it time. In an ideal world you’d have your youngest looked after once a week for you and your eldest to do something one on one - like a hobby or something social - but it sounds like that would be challenging to organise. Good luck OP, hope things settle soon for you.

Thank you for mansplaining.
There is no real need to do so.

However, you seem you and others seem to be ignoring how stressful this is on the eldest and want to paint him as some badly behaved child whilst wanting him to act like a mature adult. .

I’m not a man, so ‘mansplaining’ isn’t what l was doing. You didn’t appear to know what masking or dysregulation are.

And no-one is ignoring the stress this is likely causing for DS1, or expecting him to act like a mature adult. But there has to be some middle ground between that and not being foul mouthed and disrespectful.

Given that OP is a single parent she’s doing the best she can. People are suggesting all kinds of things, despite the fact that OP has said several times DS1 doesn’t appear to want to spend time with her. He prefers to be with his friends. And given that she only has respite from care once a week how is she supposed to fit in outings, counselling and all the other suggestions being put forward here ? Caring is a full time job and navigating it alone is harder still. That hasn’t stopped some posters from putting the boot in.

How is it mansplainng? Is the default when people dont understand something?

@LarkspurBlues Were you all brought up to bargain for extra treats / special time etc with no sense of a role?

Were you brought up with some sense of equality between you and your siblings? The sense that you were both equally important?

Or, were you brought up coming up continually against the cold hard fact that actually, your wants and needs didn't matter as much as keeping everyone else happy. And were just not as important as pacifying the other sibling/avoiding a meltdown. Can you imagine what that's like, to feel like you literally don't matter? That you'll never, ever be prioritised? (Or worse, you get what you asked for, but you get shamed / mocked / guilt tripped for having perfectly ordinary emotional needs because you're supposed to "be helping" - ala my mother.)

You’re not supposed to be acting like OPs boy at that age—you’re just not.
The kid is very distressed and acting out because he is very distressed. Obviously he's not supposed to be behaving like this but you can understand where the behaviour is coming from and why it has happened.

OP, you’re doing your best under very tricky circumstances.

Your oldest DS has deliberately wound you up and then you finally snapped. Unsurprising.

I think a talk with oldest DS is needed where you lay your cards out and show him
why youngest DS is the priority with your time at the moment.

This isn’tyour choice but necessity.

It sounds very difficult.