How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

I don’t think he was unsupervised. It sounded as though OP had her eye on things. And what on earth do you mean by OP ‘losing it’ over his behaviour on holiday ? Why would she do that ? His ‘behaviour’ is due to disability - he can no more control it than fly.

Not every behaviour is uncontrollable just because someone is ND, that's a bit of an insult to ND people.

Self harm in a dysregulated state is absolutely uncontrollable.

I don't understand all these people defending your 14 year old. No matter how overlooked he felt he shouldn't have been mouthing swear words at you. I'd have lost it too.

It sounds like your youngest struggled a lot being away. Perhaps holidays are not fair on any of you with things as they are? Too much stress and upheaval etc

I bet not everything he did in the week was completely uncontrollable though and your 14 year old probably doesn't see it this way. He'll see his brother causing a fuss and demanding your 1 on 1 attention constantly and getting it, that's probably why he started disengaging with you halfway through the week.

You’re only human and your elder ds needs to wake up and realise that actually, in the grand scheme of life, he’s pretty darn privileged. I also have teens… it’s not always easy and anyone who thinks there’s a magic answer is either more than very lucky or seriously deluded.

No. The eldest misses out on holidays because of his behaviour.

The age old question.

That’s all well and good, but at 14 the courts are going to take what DS1 wants into account and he’s already said he doesn’t want to be at his dad’s separately from his brother. There’s also no telling what effect being alone with his dad would have on DS2 who already masks when he’s with him with the resulting behavioural issues when he gets home. Clearly there’s something about the environment at his dad’s that makes him feel he needs to hide who he is and try to conform.

Not quite what I meant - I meant you suggest to him that he reconsider going to his dad's with his brother. Point out he can have that time being the only kid in the house and your priority, and he can have that every week for as long as he's at home with you. Ask him to think about it, and if when he has he says no - fine.

But if he says yes, you DO prioritise his wishes, and you change the hours, however much DS2 protests he goes solo to dads, however much ex doesn't like it you're applying to change the court order. Because you are fighting for DS1 in this one thing, and you are prioritising him here over what is easiest for everyone else. Do you see what I mean?

I am a single mum raising 3 autistic kids without any family support, no respite, and an ex who has the kids every other weekend but doesn’t understand their needs meaning they come home massively disregulated. Each kid has their own needs, they’re all complex and difficult and often one kid’s stim is another kid’s trigger!!

it’s hard work, exhausting, and absolutely impossible to balance all the time so I have great respect for every parent in this position BUT it’s important that we remember that we are the parents, we decided to have kids and to love and care for them whatever their needs, but their siblings did not.

it’s important to remember that we can acknowledge that one child finds the other hard to deal with, we can validate their feelings about the situation, and we can give them space to be angry about that without that meaning anything negative towards the other child.

Siblings can hate the situation they’re in while loving their sibling. They can hate the way their parents are taken over by the other child and still love their parents. But their anger about the situation is still there and they need permission from their parents to feel it without guilt and without judgement so that they can process it and understand it. With this permission, and the support to process it, things like the swearing at us tend to reduce because they feel heard without it.

To ‘fix’ this with your eldest it needs to appear to him that at times you do say no to your youngest rather than that the oldest only gets time when the youngest doesn’t want it. (It looks like want not need to other kids whatever the reality is to us) you need to make it look like you’ve arranged some kind of respite to fit when your oldest wants to do something not always make the oldest fit the youngests plans. You need to understand that he’s a teenager and he has hormones that are a mess. You also need to remember that he isn’t in any way responsible for his younger sibling, and you shouldn’t be telling him how hard it is for you or how hard you’re trying. It’s easy to cross the line from explaining the problems to a child to parentifying them and it’s even easier when we have no one else to talk to about things because we’re single parents doing a job that is pretty much impossible!!

Its a nightmare to balance it all, truly a nightmare, you’re doing your best to find your way and as long as you keep trying you’ll get there somehow.

You sound like a really good mum who is doing her best to me. I would have snapped too. I just won’t stand for the kids swearing at me and being abusive.

We can never know for sure why a teenager gets upset. Maybe it was about the time his brother takes up or maybe something else was going on with friends or how he was feeling about himself. But it sounds to me that you made real efforts to have time with him.

He’s also at the age were parents and family stuff is deeply uncool, and they are resistant to so many attempts to connect. I’d apologise and try to suggest some one-on-one time doing something he loves. Don’t beat yourself up too much.

Do you actually understand anything about disability ? DS2 has a disability significant enough for OP to have respite from caring once a week, which is very difficult to secure, and you consider that disability nothing more than ‘causing a fuss’?

@ThreadGuardDog I meant op should suggest to DS1 he reconsider going with his brother every time and go solo, because it will result in time carved out just for him.

DS2 is with his father, not some random. He and his dad will have to muddle through and find a way, because for this small amount of time once a week, his brother's needs are being prioritised.

This sounds so difficult. My daughter has complex needs, and my husband and I manage her and her brother by tag teaming. It was easier when they were younger, but so hard now they are teens. I really feel for you - doing it on your own must be so hard.
How do the boys usually get on? If they want to be at their dad's together that suggests some closeness. How has ds1 been with ds2 since you got home? Do you ever talk to ds1 about his brother's needs? Does he understand why you need to give him more time? Have you ever done energy accounting with ds2? This is Maybe something the 3 of you could all do together to help them think about how you also have an internal battery that gets drained - and to relate it to the airport, and the fact that your battery was absolutely on empty at that point. It would also help for ds1 to think about things that boost his battery, and you can then try and build time in for that - there might also be something in there that you could do together.
I agree with the poster who suggested doing things alongside ds2. Car conversations can work quite well, and chatting whilst you're doing something else is always easier that a proper sit down and talk. Other than that, I would carry on chipping away and just give ds1 some time. Maybe if you go away again you could ask ds1 if he'd like a friend to come as well.
And finally, I'm sending a hug. It all sounds so difficult, and you clearly care so much about both boys.

Goodness. I’m in awe of what you’re both managing to do as a parent and how much wisdom you’re able to share. That’s probably the most valuable post on this thread.

DS1 is incredibly kind to ds2 and vice versa. They adore each other. It’s me who ds1 is angry with, never ds2.

And what of DS2 ? He’s already masking when he’s at his dad’s so obviously there’s something in that environment causing him a problem. The fact that you said ‘however much DS2 protests he goes solo to dad’s’ makes me wonder if you fully appreciate the extent of his disability. OP isn’t intentionally prioritising one child over the other here, she’s doing her best in navigating her way through one of her children’s significant disability.

And what if this plan doesn’t work ? What if DS2 is so badly dysregulated without his brother there that they have to revert back to the original arrangements ? What kind of message will that send to DS1 ?

Personally I think it’s good for kids to see that their parents can be pushed to breaking point. Instead of mothers continuously pretending we can absorb anything. You were having a very hard time, your teen, knowing this, was rude and horrible and you exploded. You’ve apologised. He needs to take some responsibility for his actions as well. He’s 14, not a small child and he knows you were having a hard time too. Stop beating yourself up and have a heart to heart with him about how hard the holiday was for you (tell him about the period!) and for him too. He will likely respond better to this than to constant grovelling apologies.

would ypu try saying something like this to DS1 next time you have respite:

right DS1 I need you to keep Monday afternoon free because we are going to climb a hill/go shopping/pictures whatever.

in other words, stop asking what he wants and tell him you want to spend time with him. So you become the boss a little bit rather than begging him to ask you for that time. If that makes sense? And maybe find a way to inject a little humour like, for the next 20 seconds you can shout and swear about anything you like but for 2 hours after that no one’s allowed to shout at anyone else or throw anything!

youre in a very hard situation, I don’t envy you. I do think you’re doing your best and I absolutely understand why you lost your cool. Go easy on yourself.

I said that's what ds1 will see.

So when does the older DS get to be human or is it just the mam and young child that get a pass?

Get a pass for what? What does ds1 need to be “human”?

I don’t think anyone is getting a ‘pass’ here. The fact that you think OP and DS2 somehow have it easier than DS1 says a lot.

ThreadGuardDog

Instead of taking about masking at the dad's house have you even thought that the reason that the youngest isn't becoming dysregulated is because the eldest is there and manages the younger brother because the father won't.

Or does this get in the way of how you want to portray the elder child