How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

I think that’s probably a stubborn teenage response and maybe also partly him struggling to really say his true feelings. Maybe start with something small like just a treat lunch and don’t gove him the choice, just take him. Then over time you can extend it to more elaborate things.

There are plenty of kids that grow up in families with siblings who need extra attention or care, sometimes those teens become carers themselves. They don’t all tell their parents to fuck off and act like total arseholes. He crossed a line and he needs to know that. Honestly I wouldn’t be too hard on yourself.

I don’t think you neglect him, I think his needs have changed as they do in teen years and you have so much on your hands with your younger that you’ve not been able to adjust your relationship with your older child.

The “I love you” and chats that were staples of his primary years don’t hold the same weight for him and you’ve lost connection, the holiday flushed that to the surface but I suspect it’s been building. It happens even without the challenges you’re dealing with. I think one of the hardest things in teen years is holding the rope when it feels like they don’t want you too, and are actively hacking away at it.

I have no words of wisdom, but it sounds really tough for all 3 of you

In your shoes, I wouldn't keep apologising. You've said sorry

Brighter days ahead

Also, true though.

It’s not any more actual time with his dad though, it’s the same amount of time, only solo. You agree 1:1 time with each while the other one is with their dad would allow you to better meet DS1’s needs, right?

Then go against the kids, if you believe it will be easier to have 1:1 time with each then make your case to DS1, actually prove you’re willing to fight for that time with him - tell him to think about it and come back to you. If he says yes, tell ex, file the court papers if he won’t listen. You really need to dig in and fight for DS1 op. He needs to understand that you will move mountains for HIM. Not his brother. Not for a quiet life. Him.

I think what he was trying to tell you, in an understandably immature way, is that he needed time with you.

You asked him what was wrong, but you knew it. He told you before. You weren’t prepared to listen due to your other child’s needs, so he went unheard. How often does that happen? I’m going to assume that’s kind of been the story of his life.

So he’s started to feel very resentful towards you and your younger child.

I think you need to find someone to care for younger son for a bit whilst you dedicate some time to your eldest. He deserves to spend time with you in a positive way. Even if it’s just one evening a month doing what he loves with you.

Hes crying out for attention.

Writing again having read all your posts. My DB had severe adhd and I never swore at my parents but I always felt ignored. Middle child too which did not help. Still feel it at 41! The kids with more needs still get more attention. It is a hard road to navigate for a parent and you feel you are doing your best as your other child needs you more. I've never said anything to my parents but it does hurt to get less attention and I will always resent it.

Not sure what you mean but it sounds tough situation and I know your doing your best

Court was very clear given their ages that their wishes came first. For me to now go against that and fight against what ds1 asked for and was given feels like a whole other row to come between me and him as hed be so angry.

@ThreadGuardDog I masked well into adulthood but even in my early 20s I didn't know what I was doing nor would have expected my younger sister to know (both adult diagnosed autistic, both self harmed).

I do feel for both @Pumpkinlatte1235 and her 14 year old. The fact he uses TikTok means he may have encountered ND creators which probably won't help him understand his brother at all especially as masking is rarely discussed and if it is, it's girls and women.

Maybe finding content on Tiktok or YouTube ftom young people in his position that you can send to him OP could help open the door ?

would anything have helped? My
heart breaks at the idea of him feeling pushed aside or second best when I love him so deeply 😥

OP gets respite once a week. She says she’s asked DS1 to spend time with her on here days and he always says he has plans and maybe next week. If he doesn’t want that, what else can she do.

That’s exactly it. I feel like someone asking a boy on a date who keeps turning them down! I ask every day if he’s free/
wants to go to starbs/ a steak / a drive / and he says yeh maybe then every day oh X or Y called and I’m going out now, love you.

💐🍷🍰

That’s teenagers at a the best of times. Add to that a teenager who feels like possibly best it’s a platitude, I get why he might just go. I’m not interested. OP going back to your earlier comment about he’d rather go on holiday with his friends, is that actually possible because it sounds like it might be the best solution?

Sorry for typos. Voice dictating.

If your youngest has behaviours like this how did you deem him to be responsible enough to go to an airport shop without supervision? Does your eldest feel that his brothers behaviour is excused but he can't get away with anything? I'm not saying it's ok for him to swear at you, of course it's not. But did you lose it with your youngest over his behaviour on the holiday?

There’s a lot of parental guilt on this thread. As someone who grew up in similar circumstances, I never resented getting less attention. It made complete sense that my sibling had more. I was loved and supported and had a stable home life and that is a lot more than many kids get.

If you focus on your actions and your shouting, you’ll miss what’s really up with him. You’re doing your best and that is more than enough, focus on getting to the route of this attitude problem because being a sibling of a child with additional needs is not necessarily the cause of all of this. Do you track what he does on his phone?

In theory id be happy to do this. I don’t know how it would work. I can’t afford
to take his friends away and as far as I know I don’t think their parents could afford to pay for their child to come
away with us after already paying for their own family holiday.

I think in the future it would be best to allow DS to invite a friend when you go on holiday. I can see you are trying your best...but it doesn't sound like a treat for him leaving his friends to go away just to have his mum fussing his brother around all day long. And his time is a chat with his DM on the balcony at night. I can totally see where he is coming from here.
If you know your younger DS is going to need you then you need to think ahead about how to avoid situations like this in the future. Get older DS involved in the conversation. Right now you're trying to fit him in when you can and he has to wait around for that time and that is not working.

Well he didn’t go
to an airport shop without supervision, I was literally sitting on the suitcase at the entrance to the shop which had no door.

I’m sorry for not reading the full thread before I posted.

From what you’ve said about him refusing your apologies, I wonder if he lacks empathy.

He doesn’t seem to be able or willing to acknowledge how hard the holiday was for you, and how hard you find managing everyone’s needs as a single mum. He’s of the age where he should get it, but he seems to be fixated on his own feelings.

Has he shown any empathy with your younger son before? For his needs?

I think at this stage I’d focus on that part of it, “son, I know you’re cross with me but you’re being very unfair. I’m a real person too with real feelings. I juggle a lot on my own and I had both of you feeling sad and needing my attention. I tried to give it to you both but I acknowledge I fell short. But where’s your understanding of how it was for me?

I’ve apologised and I hope you accept it. But I do also expect an apology from you for your part in it. Hopefully once we’ve both apologised, we can sit down and arrange some time for us to have quality time together”.

But you weren't supervising because you didn't see or hear what happened between the boys. Surely if your youngest was so dysregulated and can't be left/needs such intense 1 on 1 attention he shouldn't be out of your sight in a busy airport?

What about the rest, did you lose it with your youngest while you were on holiday?

no, when ds2 has a highly dysregulated meltdown that is not a conscious or controlled behaviour, it’s a nervous system collapse. Telling him off would be like telling someone off for sneezing or any other involuntary bodily reaction.