How do I repair things after shouting at my teenager in public?

[Pumpkinlatte1235]

I know I’m in the wrong, how do I move forward?

holiday with extended family, teenager (14) and ND / tourettes 11 year old who was been extremely dysregulated all holiday so I spent most of it in air conditioned room with him. it’s been hard work to say the least. Teenager (14) has been very very sullen for 2nd half of the week; sleeping late, refusing anytime with family, glued to phone. Typical for a teenager I guess. Got very angry with me mid -week for being in room all the time with his brother, saying I prefer him. I completely understand his feelings but I also know he deep down knows it’s not true and when he’s very dysregulated as he has been this week, only I can keep him clam. Not a defence, more just a context. Last few days all my teenager muttered was to tell me to f-off, ignored extended family and generally behaved like Kevin And Perry. Throughout the week I kept asking if something was bothering him and he kept all saying no, he’s just had enough of me looking after his brother all the time and I am annoying.

FF to travel home day and I was beyond stressed at airport- flight delayed, younger DS dysregulated beyond belief, awful unexpected heavy period for me leaving me with the energy of a slug and I asked kids to go and grab me a bottle of water. Within 2 mins youngest came out shop crying saying older brother had hit him and laughed at him for his tics. Given the behaviour the last week I believed this and saw red. I marched into the shop where teenager was loading up snacks for
the flight and told him he wasn’t having any given his behaviour. He smirked and carried on picking them up and I’m ashamed to say I grabbed them out his hands and put them back on the shelf. I walked out the shop and as I turned round he mouthed at me “F- you” and I just lost it, I raised my voice and shouted F-you, I’ve had enough of your silent mouthed swear words at me and your smirks. The only way you will listen is if I shout it out loud and embarrass you. He started to cry and he stopped mouthing swear words at me but hasn’t spoken to me since.
i know what i did was awful. I am mortified. I’ve tried apologising and he won’t hear it. how do I repair this?

Teens are like cats they'll tolerate a belly rub for a certain amount of time and next thing you know you've got a full set of claws dug in your hand!

It’s not really controlling his behaviour though. Masking is extremely stressful and causes dysregulation - as evidenced by the behaviour when he returns home. Maybe OP or another family member could try to explain to DS1 that masking and the consequences of that are all part of the disability. I think it’s a good point - it’s hard to make sense of the behaviour if he doesn’t understand the reasons for it.

Ain’t that the truth.

I've just read that your ex is “very set in his ways and it would be a lot of effort” to get him to change having one child at once - seriously? Your priority is to not cause any fuss for your ex? When your older son is crying out for attention?? FGS. Tell your ex in no uncertain terms you are at crisis point, it needs to change now, what dates work for him for which kid. DS2 may well exhaust his masking ability at his dads and have a meltdown- dad and he are just going to have to muddle through together, as you have had to do.

Agree with a pp that DS2 needs to learn better strategies - obviously no one is suggesting that happen mid meltdown. It’s not ignorance to say the child needs more, and the vast majority of ND people have to and do learn all sorts of coping strategies.

I think, nice though the letter idea is - it’s just words. You need to say to both boys when they are calm “You’re going separately to dads from now on as I need to be time with you both one on one.” They can complain if they like but - you are the adult, you know it is what they need, just implement it, be firm but kind, keep repeating. They’ll get over it.

I feel for you OP, you are in an impossible position. It's all very well understanding your 14yos pov now in hindsight but at that moment, after the week you'd had, I think your reaction was very understandable.

The 14yo was being a shit. We can understand why, and I do actually have a lot of sympathy for him, but irrespective of circumstances if as a teenager you mouth fuck off to your mum , you are liable to get shouted at!

I wouldn't keep apologising and begging. You've said your piece, he probably likes having the power of you keeping crawling back. You know it wasn't ideal and youve told him that.

But he does have a shit time it sounds. And there's not much you can do about it given his brother's needs (and his dad's pitiful help it sounds). If he is all about friends - could you make your house the party house for them? Lots of snacks, drinks, playstation or whatever, let him take over a living room - like when you went to the concert you are there but not there

Such lovely, empathic comments. You have no idea how much this means to me. I do think their dad is ND, he disagrees 🙃the court gave most weight to the boys’ views and they wanted minimal time with their dad as he lives rurally and they (well ds1) find it “deathly f’ing boring”. Ds2 just wants to be with me. Their dad is happy with his one night a week. So none of that will change. And I definitely have 0 energy for another court battle.

I do allow his friends here a lot
and offer as many snacks and drinks as I can afford! I do have
to set limits as he has so many friends but I feel confident they feel welcome here and are all without fail very nice to ds2 and give him a high five when they come in.

.

My heart’s breaking for your poor son. Yes, his behaviour on holiday was totally unacceptable but it was clearly a cry for attention. You then blew up at him in public after ignoring it for a week only because it upset his brother. You don’t have time for him - he really only exists as his brother’s sibling - and his father only sees him for 15 hours a week! No wonder he feels unwanted. This boy is being utterly emotionally neglected. I’m glad he has a good circle of friends who hopefully make him feel valued.

I’m not saying any of this is your fault OP, but it’s not his either.

Sorry a few have asked about strategies for ds2- believe me we have tried every strategy and he’s on psychiatric medication.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong tbh! He was rude and you have many warnings that he did not heed. He has learnt an important lesson and frankly he obviously thinks he can get away with poor behaviour because you’ve been soft before. I’d have gone berserk much sooner!!! Serves him right - don’t apologise for showing him how his horrible behaviour made you feel. This is normal human behaviour and he’s old enough to feel some consequences of upsetting people and then continuing to upset people! The only think I will say is that it’s obviously important he feels as considered as your other son is; it’s hard to have a sibling who has a lot of attention. Hugs to you xx

I agree with no more apologies, it’s keeping you in the hook and gives him too much power, that he’s not developmentally able to handle. I’d just go through the day, chatting where you have the chance (remember how we used to narrate the day when they were babies and never got a verbal response). Show kindness where you can, don’t back him into a corner by asking him to talk but create times when you’re in the same space in the car, in the kitchen. But no more apologies, let him raise it with you and be ready to listen if he does.

He says he’ll be civil, so hold him to that - no rudeness or disrespect, but otherwise really light touch but obvious care.

Also agree his dad sounds utterly shit and he’s at an age now where dad’s involvement is important.. xxx

I just don’t feel in my heart I neglect him. I ask him every day if he has time to do something with me of his choice, offer time to talk / listen/ drive him wherever and always take time to speak to his friends and hear what’s all going on. We tell each other we love each other at least 5 times a day.

@Pumpkinlatte1235 14 year olds are challenging at the best of times. You’re dealing with a lot more than normal circumstances.

Fully agree, wish he’d step up more.

You don't mess about do you.. very valid points though.

Thank you. I think this is of my biggest 😵‍💫the question of what is normal teenage angst and what is him feeling hard done by, by me. I do wish ds2 had one friend he could go to sometimes so on the weekend ds1 could be here with just me (though chances are he’d be out, I’ve never met anyone more social) but ds2 just doesn’t.

I don’t think I speak like I have one?

I’ve not read all the responses but can you get someone to look after your youngest DS for the day and take your eldest out somewhere just the two of you, spoil him for the day and make him feel special and seen.

oh, well… if ex is happy with his one day a week, DS2 is happy having you all the time, and you “have no energy for another court battle” then that’s that isn’t it? DS1’s needs are not worth upsetting the apple cart. Lovely.

I get respite once a week and always offer to take ds1 somewhere or watch a film etc and he always says no thanks, I’ve got plans, maybe next week and then the same
thing happens again.

Ow op don't feel bad, kids can push all your buttons. I told my 8 year old to piss off the other day. It's not right and i felt shit after but it was after him being really rude to me. We all do things wrong sometimes. Have you seen this is 40? It made me laugh as both parents were taking about thier kids being arseholes (away from them). You son is out of order to swear at you and it seems out of character that you reacted and that shocked him. It will all blow over

But ds1 doesn’t want any more time with his dad and was clear to the reporter he wants to be there with his brother so 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

How is mouthing obscenities at his mother and constantly telling her to fuck off making it better ? OP sounds as though she’s trying her best to connect with him when she can, and he’s constantly rejecting her.