AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

You should be sharing bills

Other than that he earns more so can spend more on his children. Really, it shoulds like you want him to subsidise yours

Same as the op then…

He married their mother, not them. It would be different if they were children when the family blended, but they weren't. They were well into their 20s when the OP got married! There's no obligation, neither legal or moral, to treat unrelated adults the same as your own child.

No, they won’t necessarily be considered joint property. Prenups and trust are often utilized to prevent this when there is intended to be a strict separation of assets and finances. I imagine this will apply in OP’s marriage.

But, if you didn't live with him then he would have to pay all of his bills? So he is actually gaining from you living with him. I appreciate you are not contributing to a mortgage, was this paid off before you moved in?

There are two issues here.

1 Should you alone be paying the bills for your shared property? I lean towards "no" as he's using the electricity, wifi etc. If you split those bills, he'll still be better off than when he was living in the property alone.

2 Should he paying towards your daughter's wedding? Well, it would be a very nice, generous gesture but he's really under no obligation to do so just because you two are now married.

I do understand why others are asking why you can't contribute - as you've said yourself, you're better off because of the rental income, even after the bills are paid.

It does not sound like OP is struggling!
She still has her entire salary, plus what's left over from rental, is living closer to work (saving on travel costs), and I think we can safely assume his house is really quite nice to live in?
So, how come you can't save up for your own daughter's wedding?

Since the 'children' were well into adulthood by the time these two married, I wouldn't expect him to be treating them, the same as his own daughter.

I was answering to all the PP saying that OP should not be paying the bills on her own.

And even if they were not married, it would be the same: as long as both of them are happy to use one property to live in and one to generate bill money, that is totally fair. They each benefit from a place to live + bills paid.

I actually can’t bear to read another beyond stupid comment on this thread.

That's bonkers. Some man my mum married 2 years ago, and met while I was an adult, is not my dad, and I'm not his daughter neither should I be treated as one.

You haven’t answered why you can’t pay for your daughter’s wedding dress/ other wedding contributions from the surplus money you’re making from the rental?
if you lived in your own house you’d be much poorer so you’d have less money to spend on your dc.

I have one dc and I’d never forgo helping her to help other children that weren’t mine. He has one child you have two. If you’d stopped at one also you’d have had more money.

sounds like you’re also living in a moved house than yours in a better location so again you’re benefiting.

I think YABU

This is all fine if they're a couple of complete strangers living together.

A husband allowing his wife to pay ALL of the bills may be scrupulously "fair" but quite repulsive in a life partner

No it’s not difficult at all, they’ll have separate finances so they should split the bills, he already out earns her. If they have combined finances then absolutely I’d agree with you… but they don’t

The same standard of living doesn't involve wedding dresses!! Don't be silly.

The OP is pissed off because her husband won't fund her 27 year old's wedding - a woman he met when she was 21! That's her mother's responsibility and something she should have saved up for if it was so important.

I honestly can't believe a 27 year old woman wouldn't be embarrassed to be asking her mother's husband to fund her wedding! That's very entitled behaviour given she was an adult when they met!!

I don’t think he should feel obliged to contribute towards an adult child’s wedding (although it would be nice to think he offered to help you), and I’m a bit more on the fence about how bills should be divided if you feel that the agreement is fair, but I think I would find his stinginess incredibly unattractive.

is he as generous a gift-giver to you as his daughter?

If OP didn’t live with him then she would live in her own house meaning no rental income + bills to pay from her salary.
They are both benefiting exactly the same way: a place to live + no bills to pay as covered by one of their places being rented out.

So your whole salary is pretty much yours? Same as your husband who pays no bills?
You're doing ok.
Yes, perhaps revisit him covering some of the bills too. If he really doesn't want to, he doesn't sound great tbh.

Sorry that you feel that your step daughter gets more, but she is his daughter and up to him. You're free to help your daughter as much as you like and can afford to too.

Wow. Where's the love in this relationship? It seems more like a business partnership

No he shouldn't pay anything towards your daughters wedding

However I imagine he'll buy her a wedding gift. Ask him how much he intends to spend. Perhaps your daughter would prefer cash

I don't think you paying all the monthly expenses is reasonable but you dont seem bothered by this so hey ho

I think your jealousy is showing in this "money for weddings" debacle

I'm not sure that your day-to-day financial arrangement would be my version of fair, but you seem happy and that isn't what you asked about.

In terms of the wedding money, obviously he is not obligated, he's right that it isn't his responsibility, but I think it would be a very nice (and I would have thought common) gesture to contribute something as a one-off wedding gift.

Given that you have only two children and a wedding is hopefully a once-in-a-lifetime thing, I would have thought that a gift of a few £k [I'm guessing at an amount which to me is unthinkable but sounds like not a massive deal to him] towards the ceremony / honeymoon / a house deposit would be a decent thing for him to do.

Your agreement sounds fair to me, in all honesty. Given your impressionistic figures you get to keep the majority of your rental income, so you benefit from that, and he doesn't have to pay the utilities so you both from the arrangement.

As for your respective daughter's weddings those are on you, and him. I don't expect my partner to be paying for anything for my child and he is at home. We both get each other's children (his are all adults) gifts for Christmas or special occasions but that is very much discretionary.

I agree! He may technically be right but I suppose it depends on your definition of family. For me when you marry, you are together in all things, financial, practical, emotional, including your respective families, or you are not. And children turning eighteen may technically mean they are adult but they are rarely financially independent at this age.

Does it cause issues between your two sets of dc though op? Do they mix much? Do your dds notice the financial disparity or is it you who feels guilty about this?

Of course she is and she has already said it.

if she lived in her own home she would have net costs for bill and no income from rent. In her present situation she has a rental income that exceeds bills. She has net income not costs and she gets a nicer place to live. There is a potential issue around capital gains on her property but overall she is has her own salary plus additional net income to live off after all her basic living costs are met. Thats got to be thousands of pounds of purely disposable income even if she on low to medium income.

She is living somewhere better and she has net income. That is the benefit to her.

She doesn’t touch her salary - her rent covers all bills and she has no mortgage or rent. So she gains that way. She just covers utilities.

You said you paid "all the bills", does this include food?

Can I ask the exact amount you spend on bills OP? This is important to give an accurate opinion.

You have married this man a bit too soon. I do not see that you are "gaining" as he is supposed to be your DH. He earns more than you so it wouldn't hurt him to go half on bills with you. He also is saving too? I know he doesnt need the money but the principal remains the same IMO.

Things like this should be talked about before marriage.