AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

and how much are bills?

It sounds like it would be fairer if you were 50/50 on the bills. Then you’d have more money to spend on your own children. He wouldn’t be able to rent his house out if you weren’t living there either - his argument makes no sense. Why should he gain financially by you living together but not you? Are you happy with him otherwise?

Then give your tenants notice and move back into your property!

You can stay married but not live together. Each paying your own way.

YABU to expect him to spend money on your children though.

What benefit do you get from your rental income? You use it to pay all the bills.

He is living scot free, with a much larger disposable income than yours, and he thinks that is fair? He was paying all the bills until you moved in and now he pays absolutely nothing. How is that in any way fair?

You ain't gonna win with this tight-fisted git. Divorce him and move back into your own property.

All the children were at least 18 when you met and 24 when you married. I wouldn’t count an adult as a ‘step daughter’; she’s my new wife’s daughter, and no I don’t think he should be treating her the same financially.

If they were 8 when you married and he’d brought her up as dad, I might feel differently. But that’s not the case.

How is your daughter's relationship with your husband? Does he feel like a Father/Stepfather to her or "Mom's partner"? I only ask as my partner is from a blended family (with grown up kids) and his stepmum is very much Mum to him whereas his brother sees her as "dad's partner" and this changes the dynamics. It does seem a bit like there could be some friction around money between them that makes this situation tricky but it's kind of justified given that you pay ALL the bills in the house and not just half.

Why should OP live for free either?

Maybe she should put all the money from rent in the pot and pay bills from that ....

Ok so you own a property each with no mortgages and the bills are covered by the rent? So both your wages are for everyday expenses and fun money? I guess you earn less than your dh but you can’t be doing badly at all. The other costs should be split proportionally though

Go and live in your house and make him pay the bills. I imagine he would soon find this unfair .

but it’s not his responsibility to pay for yiur adult children

I think it’s very different if you meet when your dc are all adults & you have separate finances.

I think how you organise your finances and who pays what re bills etc is an entirely separate conversation.

You’re asking if he should pay the same amount for your adult children as he pays for his. Your finances are separate so he’s not in the wrong for spending his income on his own children. It’s a shame you can’t match it for yours but if you keep separate finances rather than family finances this is the result.

I don’t think you are understanding I very much do gain financially by living here, that is not in doubt, even when I cover the bills.

My rental income is far more than the bills we need to pay, I also gain by being closer to where I work so no longer needing to pay travel costs or run a car, we split food/drink.

I just pay council tax, energy bill, water bill and internet. He pays the home insurance.

No, my children are in their 30s and my husband's in their 20s. I would not treat his children and he wouldn't mine other than small birthday and Christmas presents. I gave my daughter £15k for her wedding and will give my some the same. I give them a couple of thousand a year otherwise. I gave ve nothing to his daughter's. But he lives with me, sold his house and has no interest in my property but he pays his proportion of the bills.

This. Do you spend equally on gifts for his children and yours?

Your children were not raised by this man. They have no relationship with him. He does not need to give them money.

All the bills and no rent or half the bills plus some rent. It’s just semantics.

I’m not sure he would
his property would rent out for thousands more than he would have to pay in bills.

It sounds like a business not a relationship . You should add the rental income to your lower wage and split the bills between you . Yes you are living in his house but conversely if you weren’t you’d not be able to rent yours out and then he’d have to pay bills . Who spends what on their children is up to each person as they are adults . It’s not his fault his daughter has a home from her mother’s side whilst your children have no father around . It is unfair but it’s circumstances. Your living arrangements on the other hand do need sorting out .

I don't think you have a right to ask him to pay towards your daughters.

He had no part in bringing them up as children and only entered their lives as adults.

He sounds like a lovely and thoughtful dad to his daughter. Are you jealous of their relationship?

Sounds like the green eyed monster to me and your daughters seem to be stirring the pot suggesting you shouldn't be paying your way (presumably so they can have more from you?)

Be careful because in his shoes I'd see this entitled behaviour as a red flag. He has no obligation to treat your adult daughters the same as his own. If choses to that is up to him but he has no obligation to.

Does his property go to you if he dies?

We buy our children’s birthday and Christmas gift’s separately. However I think weddings are different.

No I will pass my property to my children, he will pass his property to his child.

Why? They were adults when he first met them. It's ridiculous to think they should be treated the same as his own daughter.

So you're both mortgage-free, but you're the only one paying any bills? Yea that sounds fair. 🙄

They’re married!

I would dump him, to be honest, he doesn't seem to think much of you.

I think it's fair enough he treats his daughter and not your kids, but the bills should be split. It's not fair that he has to pay nothing towards the house.

If you pay half the bills you would still both benefit from having to pay less out. You also have to deal with the hassle of renting out your property.