AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Focus on you and your children. Does your dd even want some huge blow out wedding? If so, what can you contribute and what can eg her husband to be's family and go from there.

It’s all gone off on a tangent since you mentioned the properties and rent and bills.

You are majorly up money wise living there and he gets his utilities, council tax and Internet paid. While you also live close to work saving the communities costs and get to live in a property oh a much higher size/quality. That’s fine. You make a personal profit off the rent after bills are paid. Cool.

Back to the weddings. No he shouldn’t have to contribute to your children they where adults when you met and married they where never step children just mum/dads wife/husbands children.

For me when you marry, you are together in all things, financial, practical, emotional, including your respective families, or you are not.

@Freshleaves56h27 I don't completely agree with this. My DH and I have shared children but I sometimes pay for something or give them money without discussing it with him. He may do the same, I don't know.

You’re mortgage free so would only have to pay for the bills you’re already paying for now if you moved out and left the selfish wanker. Sure, you’d be down on the extra rental income but I’d say it’s worth it. Up to him whether he contributes towards your DC in any way since it’s his money and he hasn’t been in their lives from a young age or anything, didn’t raise them. Still a selfish shit to ask you to pay the bills purely because you earn money you otherwise wouldn’t without him.

I think it's understandable that you feel some resentment, especially as you say he earns a lot more than you, and is not paying any household bills. However, while I don't think your daughters should be treated equally, I would expect him to offer something to your daughter.as you are his wife. To not do so seems very mean.

I think the arrangement is fair. Neither have a mortgage and you are gaining rental income living in his house which you could save. Some goes to bills. He gains no income…

Shame he won’t contribute to the wedding though. Feels like less of a partnership.

You met when the children were adults, he hasn’t been involved in raising them at all- therefore he really shouldn’t feel any obligation to contribute your adult child’s wedding.

If you say you're saving so much by only paying the bills from the rental income- why not put that towards your DD wedding?

You were fully aware of how your DH spent money on his child when you married. You were fully aware you are keeping finances separate. Unless you were thinking at some point he would change?

She is benefiting also. She keeps what is left over from the rental, also if the rental didn't exist then she would be paying half the bills from her salary. With this arrangement she has her whole salary to keep for spending, plus a little extra from the rent.

This completely ignores the fact the OP is capitalising on her asset whilst he cannot. This creates an opportunity cost for him.

Not all marriages work this way though.

My adult daughter already owns two properties due to inheritance from grandparents. Her stepbrothers (around the same age) are in rented. It's not my place to equalise things between them, and my husband (their dad) can't afford to.

Going by your 'fake' figures OP, why can't you save the £1700 per month leftover rental income for your DDs wedding?

Your DH earns significantly more than you so of course he has more cash to splash on his own DD but you have £1700 per month leftover rental plus your full monthly salary to play with so not sure why you are acting like you are hard done by.

But he is gaining financially as you pay all the household bills on his property from the rental income on your property.
However, he could not live in his property AND rent it out, could he? And he has to live somewhere.
You’re losing out here if your costs are not split equitably because he is the larger earner. If you moved out and inhabited your own property you would be no worse off.

I am unsure why you got married here. He seems to have benefited by not having any bills to pay more than you, I think they should be 50/50. I would not have married him in this case as there doesn’t really seem to be a sense of a team here. And I think it’s tight he won’t gift towards your daughters dress.

You married a mean man.
Are you house skivvy?
Why would you have agreed to this?
What exactly was the appeal of a mean man?
Your children must be so disappointed in your judgement.

Why are you paying all the bills? Do you mean half of all the bills?

The OP and her husband both own homes that are mortgage free. The OP rents her home out, so receives the rental money...with that money she pays all the bills at her husband's house AND has money left over from the rental! Therefore, she is very much gaining by living in her husband's house!

The question is OP, what are you doing with the money you've got left over once all the Bills are paid, from the rental money? Are you saving this money each month?

I can see where the OP's husband is coming from, because OP is receiving rental income, and a proportion of that money she keeps, once the Bills are paid. He doesn't have extra money from a rental. He is though saving on the bills, that you pay!!

However, surely the fact your husband earns far more than you OP, outweighs the proportion of rental money, you receive each month that you can keep, coupled with your own salary? I'm guessing even with the proportion of the rental money and your salary, you still don't have as much coming in as your husband??

As your finances are completely separate and all of the children were adults when you both met, I definitely don't think you can expect your husband to contribute to your daughter's wedding. It's not your husband's fault that your daughter has no Dad to help with the cost. It's sadly, just circumstances, which aren't anyone else's fault. It's a case of 'cutting your garment according to your cloth' situation. You can't afford to help your daughter as much, as your husband can his. It's no one's fault, again it's circumstances.

Your children have no 'right' to the money that you have, regardless of where that money comes from.

Why? They were all adults when OP and her DH met. It’s not like he’s brought them up AT ALL if the youngest was 18.

Why on earth would he treat adult women who aren’t his the same as his biological daughter who he’s loved since a newborn? His feelings will be entirely different towards his step daughters. It’s baffling that people can’t understand that.

They are not one blended family that have had days out at the zoo and darling step- daddy taught them to ride bikes, they were all grown up. Why has the poor bloke got to spend thousands on another blokes’s daughter’s wedding, just because he fell in love with her mother.

Sorry OP sounds jealous of her step-daughter and wants a few 11 grand watches for her own kids.

So you're paying about £400-£600pcm in bills and then keeping whatever rent you get on top of this. Presumably some of this may be needed for repairs to your property and bills there like insurance, but overall you're making money. He's saving the cost of some bills but not making extra money. However you're less well off financially so this seems fair to me.

It would be nice if he felt generous towards your adult children at big life events for sure. Is he generous towards you though? On your birthday or around the house or with his time as well as financially. Do you see yourselves growing old together? Or is this a deal breaker?

I agree @loveawineloveacrisp.

My late SM was fairly wealthy and I expect that her first family was quite well-off - but it was nothing to do with me. I didn't expect her to equalise things just because she'd married my Dad (and neither did he).

Meanness is so unattractive

Well he saw you coming didn't he? What's yours is his and what's his is is own when it comes to £ as far as he's concerned. I'd be re-thinking the marriage if that was me.

This

Why are you paying all the bills when he’s not got a mortgage?

I don’t think your kids have any legitimate gripe about the disparity with how his daughter is treated but how come he pays fuck all towards the costs of living in his own house?

If your salary isn't used for bills, why can't you afford to help your daughter? Not to the level he's helping his maybe, but a bit? Where are all your wages going if not used on bills?

I don't get his logic - him saying that if you weren't living with him, he could rent out his property. Where would he be living if he was single then? Is he saying he would get a lodger? If, in reality, if he was single, he'd be living by himself then he is being cheeky getting you to pay all the bills (and mean since it's a high portion of your income and a fraction of his). If he would have a lodger I would pay him what he would get for a lodger, then pay a share of the bills that a lodger would pay, in proportion to your salary.

I think it's mean if there is a huge disparity in incomes and he is splashing the cash elsewhere but insists on you paying more than your way due to flawed logic. Does he share anything with you? Treat you to any meals out, a holiday, or anything? Or are you living frugally while he lives the high life?

If you're responsible for all bills including food I'd be refusing to put the heating on, turning off all the lights all the time, and getting budget food since bills are your responsibility, changing providers etc. If he doesn't agree to this then I think he is taking advantage

And children turning eighteen may technically mean they are adult but they are rarely financially independent at this age.

The OP is complaining about her husband not paying for a wedding dress! She's either 24 or 27 and getting married, she absolutely should be financially independent of her mother's husband.