AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Presumably you discussed and agreed to this financial arrangement before you moved in together and married?

He’s right that he is not responsible for your adult children, any more than you are for his. That he can afford it does not mean that he is obliged to give it, or that he should be expected to give it.

…and? That doesn’t make their respective children a joint responsibility.

His reasoning here is bollocks. Where would he live if he rented out his house? You should split the bills, he's being tight in that respect. But he has no obligation to buy your kids stuff.

Then your arrangement sounds fine then. By the sound of it you have extra money in your current situation that you can spend on your own children.

This, that’s not his child by any form so why does he need to pay a penny fair to her? She was an ADULT when you met. You’re extremely grabby if you think he should pay anything towards her. Good on him for spoiling his kids- that’s none of your business. They were in his life far longer than you.
Your financials could be fairer but I think you are getting a good deal all round.

You aren't really benefitting from renting out your property. I think I would want to move back to my own house, so that you hopefully have more opportunity to save (and he has to pay his own bills) so you can help your daughter out if that's what you'd like to do. You can be married but live apart.

OP isn't living rent free and no-one has suggested that.

And she does pay all the bills from her rent.

Why would he pay anything towards your child who he only met a few years ago, who was already an adult?
The bills situation sounds very fair.

I disagree @Allseeingallknowing. I was an adult when my Dad and late SM met (they were both widowed) and I didn't expect my lovely SM to treat me the same as her first family. I expect she gave them money and nice gifts, but it was nothing to do with me. I certainly wouldn't have expected a contribution from her if I'd got married (I already was when they met).

My Dad and SM also kept their finances entirely separate.

If uou are in a position where your salaries are not used for bills thst is good. How much would it cost to live in your current home if there was a mortgage and bills to pay bwn you. I think a percentage contribution should be worked out to make it fair. U might be better off than you think with the current payment arrangements . I do not think you should expect your husband to contribute to your daughter's wedding.

I mean - I can see both views, at the end of the day, it’s his daughter, and his money I guess.

You keep your finances separate and they were adults when he first met them, I don’t understand why you expect him to pay for things for them.

Except she’s using the rental income - which she wouldn’t have if she lived there - to pay all those bills!!

BOTH parties are benefitting living together. Essentially neither have to pay bills! It’s equal.

It does sound painfully transactional if you are already married. I would split the bills AND maintenance.

You are his wife, he's not doing you a favour by giving you a roof, you live together! So should share the costs. It doesn't really make sense why you should pay all the bills.

*edit, I missed that bit:
our individual salaries are not used for any bills.
if you still have your full salary as "pocket money" because everything else is paid for, it's different. The rest stands.

There's no reason why he should contribute to your daughter, but if he's so wealthy, it's odd he doesn't want to do a gift to his wife's daughter.

Keeping your finance separate at this stage of life is very wise, but it doesn't sound like a very friendly relationship?

Well you originally said you paid ALL the bills which I took to mean ALL including groceries!!

This update shows you are getting great financial benefit as things are so YOU give lots of your spare ££££ to YOUR children!

YABVVVU and frankly grabby.

I'm unsure why you can't afford to give your kids any money at all for their weddings, if you don't pay a mortgage or any bills at all from your income then how are you so skint?

But he is living for free. They are both mortgage free but only one of them is paying the bills.

And...?

My husband's kids were adults when we married. I used to choose all presents etc and split the cost with my husband.

I also gave them a monetary gift which I'd set aside to help pay for their weddings - I handed it over when it seemed that they weren't going to marry their partners (some years ago). Not a huge amount, but it was intended to cover a quarter of the same size of reception that we'd had. (My thinking was that the one side of the family is half, that was between us and my husband's ex and whichever partner she was with at the time.)

We were married 27 years. I thought that we were all getting on fine, but then it became apparent that we were being excluded from certain celebrations, possibly because of DH's disability, possibly because they didn't like me - who knows.

I stopped contributing to gifts over the last 3 years, though I still bought them on DH's behalf.

When one of the married after DH's death I did send a monetary gift from DH's estate. (They'd already received their inheritance.) I also sent a monetary graduation gift from the estate to his grandchild.

They're getting nothing more from me.

I agree. I see her argument is that she’s better off - but I’m not sure why that means he shouldn’t contribute to energy, water & council tax though.

YABU and your "children" are grabby.

But she’s paying for the bills with the rental income she wouldn’t get if she didn’t live with him, and she has said the rental income exceeds the bills. So they both get their wages as disposable income because there are no mortgages and the bills are covered!

What would happen (re bills) if something disrupts the rental income?

What’s stopping you using the surplus money you make from renting your property (you said this was much higher than the bills you have to pay) towards your daughter’s wedding? If you put that aside between now and 2028, you’d have thousands of pounds that could go towards a lovely wedding dress.

exactly this!

So in fact you are gaining more from your current situation, given that you live in a nicer house than you would have done, and the rent from your house covers the bills, so no extra for you there.

as you have no bills to pay essentially, how are you not able to help your children out if you feel they should be? What are you spending your salary on?