AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Is this thread a reverse?

If you met when the children were young and grew up together then I’d think a man would usually treat everyone the same. In your case though you’ve only been with him for 6 years, all the children were grown up when you met and you have separate finances so I don’t think you should expect him to treat them the same financially.

Bingo!

But he's basically living at home for free as the op is paying all the bills....so he's not paying for anything and everything he earns is pocket money

Op you're being played for a fool.

We would split.

we view the rental income as belonging to both of us, as it wouldn’t be possible if we didn’t live together, if that disappeared we’d split from our salaries.

I keep the rest of the rental income as he far out earns me and has investments etc.

You should benefit equally though from the consolidated finances. If all your money from the rental goes on bills etc then you are getting a worse deal than him (because he now has his bills taken care of) which isn't fair.

I don't think he is under any obligation to pay for anything for your grown up children but I do think it's a shame he hasn't offered even a token gesture (say £2,000) towards your daughter's wedding, given the extreme levels of generosity (who the hell needs an £11,000 watch!) he shows towards his own child.

Who pays for food?

What percentage of your rental income goes on bills

Do you work full time?

I understand what OPs paying the bills with but he is still living for free and she isn’t. If Op wasn’t living with him he would have to pay bills, which he now isn’t paying.

omg 🫣 how do people not get this!!?

they are both mortgage free
they own 2 houses between them
they live in 1 of them
they rent out the other to pay the bills

neither person is paying any bill or mortgage from their own salary

I don't like the sound of him. On paper, your financial arrangements seem fair but you don't seem to be married unit but two separate people. He has loads more money than you but wouldn't dream of helping you to buy your daughter an off-the-peg (not designer) wedding dress as a kind gesture. This makes it clear that he values money more than he values you. He is understandably incredibly generous to his adult daughter but actually treats you, his wife, like a rent-paying lodger. Normally, a married couple will have the same standard of living. You and your husband definitely do not.

Echoing other posters in asking why you can't save for your DDs wedding yourself?

They could live in OP’s house, rent his out and use the money for the bills, that would be exactly the same.
2 individuals with one property each, they use one property to live in and one property to generate income to pay the bills.
Totally fair!

That's weird, because you are getting no advantage from renting out your property, it is going on his and your household bills. Bills should be split equally. That his house is mortgage free is nice but irrelevant to your income or you living with him (and you are married so unless you both made legal provision for the properties to the contrary, both properties belong to you both).

Let me clarify

The rental income isn’t purely mine, it’s only possible because we live together so we view it as ours.

I will use fake figures, but say my property rents out for £2,400 after I’ve covered rental insurance and things needed for the property, and I spend £700 on bills, I’m still up £1700.

OP seems to lean towards the thinking "what's mine is mine, what's yours should be mine too"

But you aren’t benefiting financially from renting out your property, he is!

The op is getting a great deal here - she is better off than she would be living in her own house and paying her own bills. Op what are you spending your salary on? Tbh I’d be steering any dc away from an expensive wedding anyway, such a waste of money even if you have it to spare

I'll never be made to understand the point of these relationships where 1/2 the couple struggles; while the other half is living it large 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Yes, as long as both partners realise that being married means both properties belong to both of them. OP's H does not appear to realise this - he will if they get divorced.

I think this is one of these situations where he is technically correct but its not very nice.

Why? She's only making money from her property because she's able to live rent free in his home.

The current situation is fair. The net result is that they both keep their own homes, and neither of them pay any living costs over and above what is generated from their properties.

They both keep their own full salaries, without any needing to be spent on living costs.

If they were both living in OP's house, no-one would say she should pay the bills and he should pocket his rental income.

FROM THE RENTAL MONEY OF ONE OF THE TWO PROPERTIES THEY OWN .

the reason they have rental money is because she lives in his house.

this really isn’t difficult

I know!! People are blinded by the mortgage free aspect and they don’t want to hear that he could also rent his house out and earn the « bill money » if OP and him were living in her house instead.

We have already agreed and legally documented in divorce or death we retain what we brought into the marriage, I have no issues with this, I wouldn’t want to lose my property in divorce or death (for my children), so I wouldn’t want that for him either.

Not saying that. Merely that bills should be shared. But OP is unreasonable in expecting that her H pays for her DD's wedding dress. It would be nice of him to offer to, though - at least put something to it. Funny marriage.