AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

I'm a bit confused OP. You say you earn a good income, you pay a decent chunk of the bills but the amount is still less than your rental income, you are not paying for the housing itself, you split food but he pays for most of your meals out and holidays and your commuting costs are lower so what are you doing with your money when your living costs are so low?

Why can't you save to help your daughter pay for her wedding. A decent full time salary plus a portion of rental income should make saving 20k very doable. You can't expect him to pay for your daughter whilst you spend as like and don't save.

You should be financial comfortable but you make it sound like you are struggling which seems to be a you problem.

He’s paying for the upkeep on his house.

And housing should be combined finances because they live together. As OP says, she can only rent her house out if she lives in his house. He doesn’t get to make any return on the money he has invested in his house, it’s not really fair that she does because he’s housing her.

I think it could meet any number of definitions.

Not sure why you’re googling at me. I’m a Londoner and I know exactly what London service charges are. It entirely depends what type of flat and what the amenities are.

There’s no should about it, it depends on things like income, investments, savings, pension etc.

Of course he makes a return on the money invested in his flat - capital growth.

She's still getting capital growth on her property also though

I didn’t say she wasn’t. But she will owe CGT if she wanted to sell whereas he will not.

£11,000 on a watch!!!

He's wealthy. That's was probably a major factor in OP's decision to marry him!

Yes, lie has a number of synonyms.

He’s a wealthy man living in central London. He’s almost certainly not paying the lowest price when it comes to the service charge.

OP has a very good deal here, and she knows it.

I wouldn’t advise any of my children to hitch up to anyone with wealth, spoils everything, of course they don’t won’t to build a life together with you, relationship dominated by mistrust etc, changes everything

This - l don't understand OP, you must have a substantial amount of money left every month, why have you not been saving for your DD's wedding instead of asking your DH to help.

Sounds as though he is loaded to me.
What's his problem?

So do bitter and envious but as you know that was not the point,

Lie is by far the least likely interpretation.

As I explained the cost of the service charge is entirely dependent on the type of fiat. A large conversion flat in a house with no lift and no grounds in an expensive area of London would be minimal compared to a mansion flat in a purpose built block with lifts and large grounds, even in a much less expensive area. The former has much less in the way of services to charge.

OP has said since the start she has a good deal, so that’s hardly revolutionary

He has absolutely no obligation to pay anything towards your children. However, you don't sound like you're in loving partnership. I can't imagine not wanting to contribute to things my partner can't afford (like a wedding dres or present), if I was able, and it made them happy.

Why did you get married OP? Your lives sound quite separate.

Depends on why she can't afford them as well. Isn't to do with paying bills or having no income

The decent thing to do would be for all income, ie both salaries and the rent, to go into a joint account and then all spending on bills and luxuries to come from that account. He probably won't agree to it as his kids benefit more than yours from the current arrangement. I find it sad that he gets to use his higher salary to help his kids rather than seeing it as joint income so I totally see why you are upset. I don't think I could find your husband attractive in your position.

Of course OP can afford a wedding dress for her daughter. She has a good income and excess rental income to play with.

Her daughter can buy a decent wedding dress for less than £100 off the shelf. There is no reason why her daughter or OP cannot afford a wedding dress.

The problem is OP and her daughter want a cheaper but equivalent wedding dress to the custom made one in the 15-20k range he is buying for his own daughter, simply because he can afford it. OP can afford it except she seems to have frittered away her excess income on unknown 'things'. That is greed and entitlement.

Did you marry him just because of his money op?

i think this does make a difference. If a trade has taken place - ie youth/beauty for money - then it does alter things.

No. it;s because she appears to spend all of her salary and rental income remaining after paying SOME of the bills on herself.
Why should she and her ex husband pay towards their OWN DD wedding when her new DH of two years is loaded. He should pay for their daughter's wedding.
It's only fair after all!

Looks to me like the OP and her ex husband are a pair of grifters!

“I pay all the bills” was a lie. She doesn’t. he contributes more towards their joint life than she does.

Op has two good incomes and little in the way of outgoings. She’s perfectly capable of saving if she wanted to. That she doesn’t want to, doesn’t oblige her husband to cover the responsibilities she does have.

Reading this thread is bonkers, where does the excess rental income and salary go. It kept swinging from I can't afford to pay towards a wedding to the sharing of bills is fair and there's an excess.

You may be on to something here.

Perhaps the 'things' which OP spends her entire income on (leaving her with nothing to spend on her dd's wedding) are self-care, gym, clothes and beauty treatments to keep herself looking good.

It could be that the deal is so long as OP keeps herself in good shape, her dh will look after her financially, hence she does not need to save. She thinks it is understood he will also picks up the bulk of the expenses (no she does not pay all the bills) and any extras because he is Mr Moneybags.

Except that there is a limit ...

Alternatively, OP is just not very good with money.

At which point the op would have to pay MORE!!!

So if the situation was reversed, and you'd decided to move into your mortgage free house and he was renting his out would he be prepared to pay all the bills?

What about food and other consumables? Are the costs of those costs shared?