AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Yes, and he would have more money coming in to pay for those bills and rent/mortgage.

I actually think that bit is fair - they have two houses, two lots of associated costs (albeit less for the rental) and one income stream from those houses. I’d see “housing” as the only bucket for combined finances, such that if the income from the houses they own don’t cover the housing costs then they split the difference. But they do cover the costs, and then it does in OP’s favour as she keeps the difference.

The all of the non joint stuff in their lives is separate finances (as the housing is joint, they live together).

I’d expect holidays to be weighted by income, but mostly because if I was earning more I wouldn’t want to compromise on holidays because my partner was earning less so I would subsidise.

OP’s kids wouldn’t be getting more if they weren’t together - they’d actually be getting less as she’d have no rent and still have all the bills to pay, so if it is separate finances I don’t think he should subsidise her kids. Not least as he only met them as adults so he’s unlikely to have a relationship with them where he wants to gift lots to them based on that relationship.

It is up to them how they manage their finances. I just think it is simpler to pool your money but that is just my opinion.

Why should housing automatically go into a bucket of combined finances?
And if it does bills on one property should be combined cost to be spilt surely.

I think it depends on the circs. If they earned roughly the same or she out-earned him, it would make sense for the rental income to be shared.

But as he apparently significantly out-earns her - if her income + rental income is equal to or lower than his income she might as well keep both.

As things stand she’s paying bills on his house and the upkeep of her own, while he pays neither. She’s subsiding his primary property at the expense of hers.
Moreover, as her property is now a second home, she would be liable for CGT if she sold, whereas he would not.

The fact that she’s somewhat better off than living in her own place doesn’t mean that this set up is as equitable as it should be.

Doesn’t sound like a marriage to me

Why ‘should’ it be more equitable? Because of wealth OP had no part in building, and no claim to?

That he is significantly wealthier than her does not mean she shouldn’t have to contribute to the upkeep of their life together. As it stands, he does contribute significantly more, even with the bills.

She pays a smaller portion of the bills, and keeps the majority of her two incomes. He pays the greater portion of the bills, all costs associated with the house, for their holidays, and for their joint social life.

She could, if she wanted to, have saved and be saving good amounts. She could have invested and worked on building more assets for herself. She chooses instead to spend money on nebulous ‘things’, and is resentful that he won’t pay for the few responsibilities that she does have.

Sounds like a great one for OP. Her husband’s situation is certainly not one that I’d sign up for, but at least he has protected his interests. It could have been worse.

She pays all of the bills and he pays none. They split food costs equally with her paying slightly more she thinks. And when they go out to eat, he pays if it’s 2 of them and she pays if they’re with friends.

She would have more money to spend on holidays if she wasn’t paying his bills.

No, turns out she lied about their bills. The service charge on a central London property alone will be in excess of what she spends on the other bills, and he pays for that.

They eat out at least twice a week, and he pays the majority of the time. He ‘tends to cover’ their holidays.

Yeah I agree with this .. are you paying all of the bills i dont think that's fair .
They should be halved so you can save or help your children as you please as he is doing .

Are you really accusing the OP of lying?

The location of a property is not the key consideration of service charge prices. More germane is the number of lifts and whether it has grounds - maintenance of those are the key contributors to service charges. If it’s simply a conversion flat the charges will be minimal.

She said he pays for meals when there’s 2 of them and she pays when they’re with friends. So it’s as broad as it’s long.

Its not his daughter. Sell your house and use that money if you want to be generous. Move back so you are together but independent. If he has no mortgage then he's being tight asking you to pay the bills etc but really you should have discussed this.

I agree he sounds mean. As he earns a lot more than you I think he should pay at least half of the bills.
Currently he is making money from you. What are you getting from the relationship? You aren't gaining anything financially from living in his house as you have your own house that you could live in rent free. What if you suggest you live in your house and he rents his out and pays all the bills.
It would also have been nice if he contributed to your daughter's wedding. It's might not be his responsibility but it would be a nice gesture. He doesn't sound very caring or generous

That’s rubbish. If he’s saying he can’t rent his property out, that’s bollocks, if he rented his place out, where would he be living? Of course he has to live in his own place.

Do you have a mortgage on your own property? If you are renting your place out, all your rental income should be paying your mortgage off.

I think it’s unfair he’s mortgage free and expecting you to pay all his bills. That’s unfair, especially if you are doing all the cleaning & cooking, as that housekeeper role has added value.

I would say that if he’s earning more, and chooses to spend his salary on his kids, well, so be it.

He has no biological link to your kids, and they were adults and left home when you met. He has no obligation to give them anything. Likewise his own kids having access to their own mother’s funds is none of your business. That too bad on you.

My advice is to demand he goes 50/50 on his house’s bills. He can certainly afford it. Otherwise he’s doing rather well out of this arrangement - sex on tap, housemaid to do all the work, plus fairy wand to pay all the bills.

if he says no, tell him it’s over and you’re moving out, will get a divorce.

I don’t think you have a good bargain. You have your own property you could live in, you’re already doing all the housework, and you are having to stump up cash for your own kids. What are you getting out of this? Sounds like nothing.

So you pay all the bills and he pays nothing? He’s laughing then. No wonder he can spend so much on his daughter. You’re paying g for everything and can’t save. Your partner is an arsehole and he’s using you. You are better off without him.

The OP has already addressed this. She said that in this scenario she would be worse off.

I haven’t read the whole thread so not sure what was later drip fed, it just doesn’t sound like marriage how most of us understand it. I’m quite grateful DH and I had equally as little when we met, always seems to ruin it when one partner starts the relationship with more than the other

Of course she is. Basic maths. If she's in her mortgage free house she's paying ( example) £700 on bills.

She's living in his house and renting out her own. So say she's getting £1500 rent, paying bills of £700 at his and paying £200 towards her house upkeep. She's then AT LEAST. £600 a month up, with no bills to pay in her own house

What about the rest of rental income ( she's already said she has money left from that) and her whole salary to save from?

Yes. She said she paid all the bills, then later on said he didn’t. That would meet the definition of a lie, I believe?

“Central London is where annual service charges really skyrocket. The norm is often over £5,000 and in some cases can reach above £100,000.

In nine of London's most expensive postcodes average service charges are above £10,000 per annum.

For example, in W1J in Mayfair, the average is £16,594. In WC2R, around the Strand it's £15,191 and in SW1X, spanning parts of Belgravia and Knightbridge, it's £12,360 a year.”

https://www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/mortgageshome/article-15849283/Where-home-buyers-face-highest-service-charges-revealed-W1J-postcode-coming-top.html

Oh, and he also pays for the home insurance.

“He pays more when we go out for meals 1/2 times a week, usually covering all of it”

That hardly sounds like an even split.

According to OP, what she brings in just from the rental income is far more than what she spends on bills. She is far from hard done by and unable to save.

It’s always been quite normal for those with wealth to protect their assets upon marriage. The practice of what is now called prenuptial agreement is at least 2000 years old, so far from a modern concept.

I wouldn’t have married a man with less than me, because I wouldn’t want to be in the position the husband is in.

Doesn't mean she lied. She meant one thing, people interpreted something else 🤷

Fucking fucking hell.

She doesn't have a mortgage. She doesn't pay all the bills. He paysmuch more than she does, and she's hugely better off.

Do any of you actually READ?

“I pay all the bills”

Yes, that’s a statement open to misinterpretation.

Re bills in effect you are better off than him as neither of you actually cover any bills from your salaries (it’s not relevant that he earns more) but more than that, you actually get some of the rent from your house, he does t get that. Would you prefer to live in your house and swap?

Re him contributing to your children, you have separate finances so why should he? If he had brought them up then maybe he would feel more connected or responsible for them, but he didn’t.

The fact is, you have a full salary to do what you want with. If you wanted to help your daughter, you really could. With no mortgage or bills to pay you must be able to save a significant amount.

You need to read the thread again carefully as the OP has drip fed information regarding her income and what her DH pays for (which is substantial).
She also didn't advertise the fact that her ex husband i.e the biological father of her DD is alive and living abroad. NO reason given why he hasn't contributed to his OWN daughter's wedding. And oh yes, the OP who appears to spend all her salary on herself and the remainder of her rental income on herself has not saved anything to contribute towards her OWN daughter's wedding.
Rather than criticise herself and her ex husband for not paying ANYTHING towards THEIR OWN daughter's wedding, she decides to harbour resentment towards her new DH of two years for not contributing to HER daughter's wedding! After all, she probably married him for his money and it's not working out entirely as she planned! How would you feel if you remarried and after two years of marriage your new husband expected you to contribute towards his daughter's wedding when he was contributing nothing because he was spending his substantial income on himself and his ex wife, the biological mother of his DD your adult step child wasn't prepared to contribute either. Used? I think so!
I'd love to know what the Op's DH would think or indeed reveal to us if his read these posts!