AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

This is genuinely crazy, no he’s not selfish because he’s generous with his daughter. You only met 6 years ago, he really shouldn’t be taking from money he would spend on his daughter in order to give it to yours.

It’s shocking isn’t it, she’s profiteering out of living with him, presented it as something it wasn’t, her kids have two parents whose job it is to contribute if it is anyone’s, and she clearly spends up on herself and doesn’t want to pay for her kids wedding, and neither does the dad, so she wants him to.

pf course he shouldn’t.

So you agree that the OP should contribute to both of her stepdaughter’s weddings too?

Not at all. My husband’s adult child is lovely as are mine and we all have a strong bond which has built up over the years. You may not understand it but that’s how it is for us.

I can only speak about what works for us. My husband and I have a joint account, pool all our money and spend equally on all of our children. Three of our children have got married and we spent about the same on two of them. Our third wanted a very small, simple wedding so hers cost less (her choice). We shared the cost with our previous partners.

Let me take a guess as to who is contributing more to this joint account…

My husband earned more than me but only very slightly (he is now retired). I am working very part-time. But when we met, I had more capital to put into buying our house together so swings and roundabouts really.

Service charge is game changing for me too.

I was glad to see he pays for a lot of the meals out for the two of you, as if you have less day to day income than him then "keeping up" as it were could really eat into your ability to save, but this is one massive bill that you hugely misrepresented with your "I pay all the bills".

Stop some random spending and buy your daughter a dress.

No, I don’t, but then I don’t need to, any more than you need to understand families that operate differently to yours.

What I do understand is that different things work for different people, and there’s no problem with that. There’s no universal standard that all must adhere.

YABU

your DH is not their father, he met them as adults and does not have a father-figure role in their lives. Why should he take on a father-like financial role when it comes to your daughter’s wedding? if he wanted to, fine- but as he doesn’t I think that as fair enough too.

You have your salary plus you have been able to monetise your asset (your house) and use some of that to pay most of the household bills (minus half the grocery bill, the insurance and I assume your DH pays maintenance costs). I think you should be able to make a reasonable contribution to your DD’s wedding.

If he wasn’t contributing to his DD’s wedding (or she wasn’t getting married yet) would you still be expecting a contribution? I wonder if this is actually more about comparison, and if your husband’s daughter was not getting married and getting this contribution to her upcoming wedding whether this would be an issue for you at all?

disagree. He pays the service charge, maintenance costs, the home insurance and half the grocery bill. She has been able to monetise her asset (property) to boost her income- which he cannot do as they are living in his property. I’d say OP is getting a very good deal here, as my guess would be that he is actually paying a larger proportion of their living costs (when taken in the round) than OP.

Well yes, that’s a completely different set up. OP and her husband have chosen to keep their finances separate. Therein lies the issue

And OP will cover half of the service charge for the property, home insurance costs, meals out and holiday, yeah?

He also takes her out to dinner twice a week and pays for their holidays.

ans she nonchalantly says she doesn’t have the money as she “spends on things.”

which will be things for her.

True and I do understand that other families operate differently to ours. There is no right or wrong here.

Stop paying the bills. Tell him it’s not your house and from now on you’re not paying.

Why should she continue living in a house she contribute nothing towards?

But the op married when all this kids were adults so unlikely to have built up the same sort of relationship

I wouldn't make any fuss about it. But I would go on a major economy drive.

Stop any extras that you pay for. Explain that you're saving for the wedding and that you're happy for him to do his things with friends, but that for a couple of years, you are saving every spare penny.

Go to his DD's wedding with him and be gracious and give no hint of resentment. But see it as your role to provide everything you can for both daughters weddings (YOUR daughters, because clearly, it's only going to be you helping with them).

He could be a bit more generous. But equally, you work, you only pay pills AND have money left over from rent on your let property. You don't need to live a luxurious lifestyle. Stop drinking. No new clothes. When you do grocery shopping, shop at Aldi/wherever is cheaper near you. Cook lovely but more budget friendly meals.

He can't have it both ways. But don't do it to be vindictive. Do it for your daughters.

They were adults when they married. They are their children but none of them is a child.

they haven’t lived together as a family ever. They are not step parents they are the spouses of their respective parents. It’s a different dynamic.

If OPs ex was involved in his kids lives this wouldn’t even be a question. A no one on here would expect OP to pay for her steps wedding or wedding dress it would be a nice gesture but absolutely not an expectation.

OP has been married for 2 years and had every opportunity to create a little nest egg for herself or kids without it affecting her salary but she hasn’t because she doesn’t want to.

expecting her DH is a bit much. Again an offer would be generous but an expectation is overkill.

Surely you must have income left over from the rent to contribute to a dress. You cannot expect him to pay. I would feel uncomfortable if my partner paid for things for my daughter.

She spends it all on unknown " things"

For a guess, the same types of things she bitches about him giving his daughter as gifts.

We also met when our children were adults.

That's your choice. He is choosing differently and has a right to do so.