AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

Part of it will depend on the relationship that people have with their spouse's adult children.

I can recall twice being referred to as a 'stepmother'; once when I asked DH's son to back me up at the hospital during DH's last hospital stay and once when the son's partner apparently told their friends that his stepmother understood why he couldn't attend DH's funeral.

So how did you have the same sort of relationship as a family growing up together? It's just not possible.

I realise it is not the same as growing up together. But we have always got together for lunches and holidays together and they all get on well. We are lucky in that we have not had arguments or fall outs and hope it continues!

This
However I think OP mentioned she did not have savings she wished to dip into or words to
that effect ! let me read again.

Don’t have massive savings I’m happy to spend

Presumably OP should continue to contribute towards the bills from her salary like the rest of us !

I’m usually very much of the mindset that you trust all children equally but not when you meet when the children are adults. He has no responsibility to your children and absolutely doesn’t and shouldn’t need to contribute to their weddings. I think you are being extremely unreasonable about this. I’m afraid it’s nothing to do with him and how he spends his money on his daughter is no concern of yours. If the kids were small I could see your point but as adults, no

Yes, because she spends her substantial income on "things" i.e. herself.
She's doesn't care about contributing to her daughter's wedding.
If she did, she'd have saved to contribute towards it.
Nor did she apparently as her DD's biological father who lives abroad to contribute.
It's poor old money bags who she married two years ago who she wants to foot the bill for her and her ex husband's daughter's wedding!
I hope moneybags knows who he's married! He probably has an inkling by now.

Your finances are wrong. You should both benefit financially whereas currently only he us benefitting.
You need to sort this out immediately.

Bills should be split.

YABU to expect him to treat or fund your adult daughter; she’s not his responsibility.

Frankly, they’re all adults- insane so many people shell out huge amounts on adult children bar house deposit/uni help.

oh for goodness sake

SHE IS BENEFITING AS SHE IS LIVING IN HIS HOUSE RENT FREE AND USING MONEY FROM HER PROPERTY WHICH SHE DOES NOT LIVE IN BECAUSE SHE LIVES IN HIS HOUSE.

She is paying SOME OF THE BILLS and STILL HAS MONEY LEFT OVER FROM THE RENTAL PROPERTY SHE IS NOT LIVING IN BECAUSE SHE IS LIVING IN HIS HOUSE

Fuck me, how many times?

She is HUGELY benefitting from the arrangement. He pays for much more than she does and she has a higher quality of life AND higher income under this arrangement.

Fucking hell

Nice for you. But OPs adult stepchild lives in another country and has barely met her own children.

Yes I appreciate it is a different situation but I really wanted to show how ‘blended families’ can work.

Actually, likely only she is benefiting.

Please explain

I think the OP is being somewhat disingenuous. ‘I pay all the bills’ isn’t really true. There are lots more bills than council tax, water and energy, none of which OP pays. Her money is frittered on ‘things’, so she doesn’t have savings. That’s her choice.

I don’t think he should have to treat them equally but is sad he’s being so resistant to helping her out a little when he can clearly afford it

the OP has money in savings she is reluctant to spend on her own daughter’s wedding, why should her husband pay anything towards it?

So a bit different from OPs situation where her step daughter doesn't even live in the same countries and her daughters and step daughter don't actually know each other

OP you should acquaint yourself with The Tale of the Fisherman's Wife......

He doesn’t want to fall into the habit of bailing out OP when it comes to her few responsibilities.

Look at it from his perspective. OP has two good incomes she keeps the vast majority of. He covers the much larger share of the bills, all costs related to the residence itself, holidays, and their social life. OP has had ample opportunity to save, and could cut down her current non-essential spending in order to budget for her daughter’s wedding. She doesn’t want to do that though, she wants him to be the one to pay. Bear in mind that she’s offered no contribution to his daughter’s wedding.

That she even thought it reasonable to ask him must set off the gold digger alarm bells in his head.

The husband has major resources from family money, investment and bonuses. The wife does not. That’s where the playing field isn’t level and resentment lies.

The family money is destined to go to his daughter anyway. Why shouldn’t it be spent on investment pieces like watches or designer handbags? Canny DH will see it as less inheritance tax to pay.

Bonuses and investment returns are unpredictable and easy to lie about.

So you think OP should contribute to her step-daughters weddings then?

If you are happy with this and genuinely better off than if you were living alone then fair enough. It does make him sound stingy though.