AIBU to resent my husband's generosity to his daughter but not mine?

[Alnoo]

Hi all, I hope everyone is well.

For context, my husband and I met when the youngest of our respective children had just turned 18, 6 years ago, and we married 2 years ago.
Upon marriage we opted to retain our own properties, while I moved in with him and the rent I made from my property went towards bills and household costs.
Other wise our individual finances remain separate, we both still work and earn our own money.

He has one daughter who is 25, turning 26, I have 2 children 24 and 27 respectively.

He earns far more than I do, as a result he spoils his daughter who lives abroad, some recent examples include
£2,000 towards she and her boyfriends summer holiday
£11,000 on a vintage watch
£3,000 when her hand bag and phone were lost on a night out

She earns well, and has a property out right from her mothers side so none of these were needs and she never asks, he simply enjoys doing it and wants to.

Meanwhile I cannot afford this for my children, my children have expressed some concern that the rental income I get covers all the bills, they think this is unfair and it should be split. My husbands argument is that since we live in his house we can’t rent it out so I gain by living here.

Equally both of our daughters are getting married in 2027/8. So far he has already agreed to paying for his daughter’s entire wedding include a custom made dress likely in the 15-20k range. I can’t afford to contribute this to my daughter’s wedding and she has no father on the scene to help so they are having to self fund. I asked him if he would at least help me buy her dress (less expensive as she’s not interested in it being custom made) and he has said he doesn’t feel that’s his responsibility.

AIBU to be finding him quite selfish and unhelpful? His daughter is truly lovely and he is very loving but the financial disparity is more obvious than I excepted it to be.

In the husband’s position I’d be wondering wtf you were playing at making that request of me.

You have two good incomes, one of which you keep entirely. You contribute to the bills, but the service charge alone is significantly more than what you pay, and he covers that. He pays for any maintenance on the house. He pays for holidays and your joint social life.

You’ve had ample opportunity to save if you wanted to. He’s seen you haven’t done that. He’s also now seeing that instead of giving up the ‘things’ you spend money on in order to buy your daughter a dress, you’re asking him to cover the cost instead. And now you’re resentful about being told, very reasonably, no.

He’s been very generous with you, and given you a life, a life that you clearly enjoy, you otherwise wouldn’t have had. He’s enabled you to maximize your savings and build your own assets (and I’m sure he would have advised you on how best to do so). You haven’t taken that opportunity, but instead are asking for more from him.

For all the talk about rich people not knowing the value of money, he’s not the financially irresponsible one here. You are.

I don't see how he is tight at all. He just seems to presume that they share their day-to-day but not their preciously acquired wealth or indeed the children that long predate their marriage. And to be honest, I don't see why he should.

The gap here is the father of OP's children, not her current partner. And the disparity in wealth is just a fact of life.

I think not including in the original posts that he pays the full service charge alone is all a game changer. Some of those charges (especially in fancy central London flats!) can be more than most peoples’ mortgage!!!

I'm sorry that your DD's father is such a shit, that's appalling. It doesn't sound as if your DH is close enough to your DD's to feel that he wants to contribute to the wedding and certainly not close enough to be a financial substitute for their appalling father. It is what it is, I'm afraid.

I agree. Separate means separate, and that includes spending on children's weddings.

Then he can pay half of the Council Tax, Gas, Electricity, Internet, Water and Grocery bills.

Has he even paid for shaving foam or a loo roll since you started to pay for everything?

You're his WIFE. Not a bloody lodger.

He pays 50/50.

In his shoes, as a wife, I was (nearly) contributing that DH as the higher earner wouldn't let me pay more than a % of my salary

Shouldn't you be asking your ex husband to contribute towards his own daughter's wedding and if he's not prepared to pay shouldn't your resentment be focused on him rather than your DH?

Then he can pay half of the Council Tax, Gas, Electricity, Internet, Water and Grocery bills.
As long as Op also goes half on the 10K building fee and additional house insurance he pays annually. OP has already cooked they are food cost and he buys her dinner out.

I’m constantly surprised on MN when people believe that it is okay to treat biological and step children differently. We both have a child from earlier marriages and we treat all the children exactly the same. We would never do it differently. We are a team and it would feel very unkind if one child was disadvantaged.

@Autumngirl5 They've only been married for two years, their DD's were adults when the OP and her DH first met.

That makes a difference IMO. I was an adult when my Dad and SM met, we weren't a blended family.

Just because two people with kids marry doesn't mean their families blend and they see the other spouse's kids as theirs.

That's especially not the case when the kids are teens or adults and when there's wealth involved.

OP's kids aren't his step kids and his kids aren't her step kids. They're mom's husband and dad's wife. She isn't going all out for his kid's wedding, she just expects him to for hers.

Our children were also adults when we met but it makes no difference to us and we treat them exactly the same.

I guess we all feel differently but I would not have married a man who did not have the same values as me. All I can say is we look after all our children and grandchildren the same and I love my ‘step granddaughters’ as much as my biological ones.

Were the children adults when you married though?

Ok seems so. However If I married my partner I certainly wouldn't be giving money etc to his kids ( one of who bullied one of mine as kids) They were adults not at home when we got together. Not do I expect him to give anything to mine

Fair enough @Autumngirl5. My Dad and late SM kept their finances separate and I didn't expect my SM to financially treat me the same as her first family. I'm sure that she paid for various things for them, but it was nothing to do with me, nor my Dad for that matter. They never had any joint accounts.

She was still lovely to me, but if a couple decides from the outset to keep their finances separate, as the OP and her DH have, this is the result. I think the OP has to accept that.

Because it is okay. You are free to do what works for you, as others are free to do what works for them.

What you see as a positive value, is essentially that your own children are not uniquely special to you at all, and their value to you is ultimately dependent on who you’re in a relationship with. To you that’s aspirational, to others that’s frankly gross. C’est la vie.

OP lied in her OP. She doesn’t pay ‘all the bills’, or even the larger amount towards them. He does.

He also pays for all their holidays as well as their joint social life.

is essentially that your own children are not uniquely special to you at all, and their value to you is ultimately dependent on who you’re in a relationship with

Bizarre inference.

No, not at all. That’s precisely what she’s saying. Her own children are no different to her than the children of her husband.

Of course he can if he's around, if he's alive, if he wants to but it doesn't sound like he will. Doesn't alter the fact that if OP wants to she can save a decent chunk of money towards the wedding.

Go to MSE, post your budget and you will get great advice on how to cut your spending so you can save money for the wedding. It will be good, think of the satisfaction this time next year when you can hand your daughter £10 or even £20k and you know you have achieved that.

I think that the OP is misleading us all here on MN.

She obviously doesn't want us to know how much rent she is receiving and the amount she has to pay out of the rental income to cover the council tax, water, energy and internet. I suspect that the reason she doesn't want us to know how much she receives in rent is that it's substantial. If she's living near central London in DH's flat, there's good chance that her house is in an affluent area too where rents could be in excess of £4K/month. We'll never know because she won't say and let's face it, any revelation will not be outing in any way.

We have also been kept in the dark as to how much she earns and what the "things" are that she spends her money on.
If she's living near central London and her work place is local she works in London and is probably paid fairly well.
We are all left to guess what her income is.

The OP failed to initially disclose that DH pays for the service charges, holidays, house maintenance and meals out. I suspect that there are other things he pays for too. Nor did she initially disclose that DD's father (the one who should be contributing towards the wedding) is alive and well and living abroad with his new partner.
Although her ex husband hasn't been in his daughter's life for the past eleven years, I suspect that as part of the divorce settlement, he has been making maintenance payments over the years and possibly contributing to the costs of DD's education.

Although it seems clear that over the years the Op could easily have put money aside towards her DD's wedding or even for a rainy day, she chose not to in the expectation that someone else would finance her DD wedding or those unexpected expenses when that rainy day arrives.
The OP should look to herself and her ex husband to contribute towards their OWN daughters wedding rather than criticising her new DH of two years who has enabled her to keep all her salary and most of her rental income as pin money for "things". The word dissatisfied gold digger comes to mind!

Yeah I agree, I’m actually shocked she even asked him

Why cant you contribute?

You have excess from your rental income?
You have your entire salary?

Bingo!!