AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Honestly you shouldn’t have told your friend- whatever way he got it she didn’t need to know, you only needed to say he’s so lucky he found it but he deserves it.

I think he should have been told turning down the earlier job as a graduate was ridiculous though, you can’t be picky starting out

Your son is fortunate, accept that and don’t lord it over people. Anyone would take opportunities if they had contacts. Your DS sounds very motivated - good luck to him.

Well it's nepotism pure and simple. So if you can live with that then fine, I suppose.

We all want what's best for our kids. But would I do what you did? Actually, probably not. He turned down a decent job that pays well for new grads and held out for something better which DH was eventually able to arrange. A better lesson for him would have been to learn that you don't get everything you want, first time. In short, you rewarded his greed.

And that’s just life. It’s a good lesson for them to learn. If you don’t have much left over after your rent it’s just part of being an adult for most people!

Learn to edit what you say before you say it.

I used to overshare but I have learned the hard way to only let on a curated version of massive sections of my life.

The job market is horribly tough, even for strong graduates in mathematical disciplines.

Several of my friends’ sons with good degrees from Russell Group unis are struggling to find jobs and, when they do, are often in small start ups rather than established companies with training programmes.

The job market is dire right now op so congratulations on your ds getting a good job!
you definitely did the right thing. Dh has been unemployed for over a year and the job centre has even said to him that his best chance of getting a job in his field is to know the right person. Your friend is put out that she doesn’t have the connections to be able to do the same for her dc and is lashing out at you. she would have done the same as you in a heartbeat, as would most of us.

But he can afford to be picky because his parents are financially supporting him so he can have some fun in London i guess.

It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s

Whilst I don’t think you or your son did anything wrong, and I think it’s fine to create your own chances in life, I think you and your son sound incredibly out of touch.

Most people do not get jobs through nepotism or whatever. The fact that you think that’s normal shows how out of touch you are.

Normally grads look apply to grad schemes and compete with the best to secure the best jobs.

It sounds like your son didn’t have the confidence to do that, which shows that he doesn’t have the ambition, which is also fine.

And the whole ooint of a first job and first flat share is you learn to stand on your own two feet, which you also don’t seem to have given him the confidence to do.

OP, that’s nepotism. I’m not sure why you’re denying it because that’s exactly what it is. He wouldn’t have got that job unless his dad’s friend got involved. So it’s all about connections.

I would do the same for my children, like any parent would, but you’re being silly to not recognise the privilege. Just own it rather than getting defensive.

There seems to be an assumption here that my son went to an independent school. He did not. Mentioning the 93% club, we are well aware of that. My son spent time at university going to the events, part of the club at University.

It was horrendous how anyone can be expected to live on that. Yet the company generates millions. They should pay people a good wage

I’ve skipped straight from page one so apologies if this has already been covered.

The London Living Wage is £28,860 pre tax. It’s discretionary so many major corporations will be paying their employees the minimum wage of £23,809. Literally thousands of people living in London are expected to live on that, without their parents paying their rent.

Most people would help their children, that’s normal, but what OP needs to appreciate is the exceptional level of privilege her family enjoys.

What is wrong with a 22 year old wanting to have a bit of fun in a new city

Well you friend would do the same for her son if she could.

Just move on.

And that is the problem.

He is a grown man let him pay his own rent !

Surely you can see that society is not a level playing field and that your son is incredibly privileged to have had the opportunities he has had? Yes it’s about hard work, but it’s also just as much about being lucky enough to be born into the right family.

you’ve done nothing wrong with helping your son, but your friend is not being at all unreasonable to point out that your son is very privileged.

He will likely encounter similar views throughout his life from people he meets who view his background and experiences as privileged.

They really aren’t “taking advantage of him” with a salary of £35k
Average London grad salaries are low-to-mid £30s.
So I don’t know why you’ve got this idea in your head that £35k is an awful salary. It’s a perfectly good one.

On top of that, he’s taken a role that wasn’t advertised, he’s got his rent paid for, and already has a deposit for a house. As my parents would say - he doesn’t know he’s born.

As you say, the world isn't fair. It's your perogative to give your son a leg up in this unfair world.

It's your friends perogative to be upset that her son doesn't have the privileges yours does and to express her feelings. Neither of you are being unreasonable.

@OneMerryFinch you’re getting a hard time here and personally I don’t know why, its lovely you’re in position to be able to help him I would guess you and husband have worked hard to be able to do so.

Your son has worked hard to gain qualifications and he knows his worth he had every right to turn a job that he felt wasn’t suitable.

Hope he enjoys new job regardless to how he got given the opportunity he worked to get the necessary qualifications and in a lot of industries it’s not what you know but who.

Finding out someone has benefited from nepotism to get a competitive job doesn't go down well. You told your friend far too much. Her reaction was a bit rude but a lot would have thought it but not voiced it.

Just look at the scorn that is thrown at the 'Nepo kids'. It's the feeling of unfairness that rankles.

The only thing you've done wrong is shout about it - people don't like nepotism so keep that bit to yourself.

I don't think you have done anything wrong in helping him get a job through connections but definitely spoilt by paying his rent. A 40k salary and you pay his rent?? If that's not being spoilt, what is it? He is learning nothing about how to administer money and he's got a very decent wage. You are doing him no favours by paying his rent

No loan at uni and parents paying young graduates rent or them living in a family owned flat in London is very common in some circles and of course make accepting opportunities like internships and low ish paid graduate roles easier. If he’s been at Durham he will know more people in that sort of bubble.
He probably is aware of his privilege and not broadcasting it.
I’d say to friend you don’t want to discuss further and be much more careful about what you share in future.

Yeah I remember asking a peer how they could manage all the things they did plus own their own three bed flat in a very expensive city and she said (very kindly) ‘you do know I don’t have a mortgage, don’t you?’

It had literally never entered my head that people bought enormous flats for their offspring ‘just because’. It’s wild.

However, I am still convinced this is a rage bait post as no-one could have that little self awareness.