AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Do you realise how it comes across? (privileged!).

A first from Durham in Econ/maths
Debating abroad
Rowing

Whilst he worked hard, he had opportunities created by the lifestyle of mummy and daddy. Now you've helped him secure his first job.

There's nothing wrong with supporting your kid, but understand how you come across and why your friend has equal right to think that the first time job market isn't always fair with the higher end exercising nepotism.

Also, quite a lot of big companies have a ‘refer a friend’ scheme. It’s totally not a new thing to help get people you know a job is it.

Because OP doesn’t accept that he is able to be in this position because of his parents and their connections.

There really is nothing wrong with that but the issue is OP pretending his son isn’t incredibly fortunate to have his London rent paid for him and to have been given a job through connections. That’s why she’s getting a hard time.

I think she’s getting a hard time because she’s giving the impression it’s her son’s ‘hard work’ that has got him here and refuses to acknowledge the privilege both she and her son experience.

I’d always help my kids but I don’t think it does them any favours to do too much, they need to learn how to manage without mummy and daddy facilitating and paying for everything.

I think that there is a massive difference between helping someone into a medium paying graduate job and being a nepo kid!

If the OP were then to gift him a central London house outright and find him a job on £200k, he would be on his way ….

I think you are living in a different world to most of the posters here. Many people would consider being able to do those things a privilege, not hardwork. Some children could never dream of doing stuff like that as their parents couldn't afford the fees, travel etc, and some have to care for sick and disabled family members, or get paid part time jobs to help finances. They are the ones everyday people consider hardworking. Most young people pay board or some sort as soon as they are earning, even if it's just buying their own shampoo etc, they definitely don't have parent's subbing their rent. A hardworking man would get a second job if needed.
You have every right to be proud of your son's achievements and he sounds like a good son who hasn't wasted his privilege, but try and understand where people who aren't in your fortunate world may be coming from.

Not really. He’s had it all handed to him. Life is a lot easier when you don’t need to worry about money

Did you tell your friend about the trust fund too?

Why not just give him a little break.

If you're as tone deaf in real life as you have been on this thread, I can't blame your friend for being resentful.

The words ‘just’ are doing a LOT of heavy lifting there. But if you’re happy that your DS is working at a company with dodgy HR policies and no real DEI strategy then who am I to burst your bubble?

I was told I had to go through the proper channels when I asked for a summer internship for my daughter…..by the very same NHS Head of dept who had got her own daughter a job and helped her team leader’s daughter. (Our faces did not fit) To be fairer …We now have diversity people manager ….but who is only obsessed with her own religious propaganda

@OneMerryFinch£7k is nothing to save when you don’t have to pay for anything!!!

But the thing is he doesn't have any experience, hes a graduate and has exactly the same experience as all the other graduates that completed his course. He was turned down from your DHs company for having little experience. You did a nice thing for him that I think any parent would do but your son is no better or more hard working than any of the others in the same position as him.

This, basically.

I congratulate you OP on such an epic humble brag so early in the day

are you wrong? No but you're obviously not stupid and therefore extremely well aware of exactly how this comes across

I think it’s natural to help your children get a job, why wouldn’t you? Having the means to help them with their rent is a bonus that many people cannot do but again something parents might offer.

My son had some family help finding a job after university. He was very shy and had struggled academically with exams as he is dyspraxic ( diagnosed by a psychologist) and even with special exam arrangements his anxiety meant he did less well in exams than he was capable of. I was worried about his ability to come across well in an interview. He went travelling and when he returned started looking for work in his degree subject, computer science. Not long after a family friend said the company he worked for had just taken on three new graduates and one of them did not show up on the first day as they’d started a different job! My son was told if he went straight to the company, a small tech firm, they would have a chat with him.

He went straight there and as he didn’t really have time to get interview nerves as he thought it was just a preliminary meeting, he was relaxed and was offered the job if he could start the next week. Obviously he jumped at the chance! It meant an awkward journey to work by bus and train but he was willing to do it and that was the beginning a very successful career in digital marketing. He initially moved around jobs every couple of years, growing in confidence each time after he was headhunted by agencies and at almost 40 has a really good salary and a great life.

Without that initial help, we don’t think he would have found it easy and he is very grateful for the family connection. Everything he has achieved afterwards has been all his own efforts.

Acknowledging ‘privilege’ gets quite tiresome!

Everyone is differently privileged, that is how life is and always will be.

Private school
top grammar accessed via tutoring
Tutoring for public exams

Those are all obvious. But how about:

Literate graduate parents
Eating meals together
Books in the house
Good balanced meals

I imagine most who post on this site have some or all of the above ‘privilege’. What does acknowledging it achieve?!

If you can actively help less privileged families, that is great. But, otherwise, just get on with it. Saying how privileged you are helps no one.

I agree.

He can only 'know his worth and turn down a job he felt wasn't suitable' because he knew the bank of mum and dad pay for him to live, and he was then reliant on daddy to find him the job.

For many, beggars can't be choosers and they take whatever job they can. The son is privileged as he is not in that position.

My Dad worked for the Co-op. He knew the local HR manager. He asked about a job for his 16 year old school leaver daughter (me)
There was a job going at one of their shops. I got the job. No social media back then (1970s) so nobody stamping their little tootsies and wailing that its not fair 🤣

I’m curious, what industry still works like this? Financial services have cracked down on this type of thing.

You have taken her words incredibly seriously and to heart. Of course she wouldn’t have turned down the same opportunity for her son. Never in a million years!
I do think the paying of his rent is overkill though, and a bit spoilt.
Good luck to your son. It sounds like good things are coming his way, which he DOES deserve 🙂

For the sake of £5k a year he failed to stand on his own two feet and let Mummy and Daddy find him jobs.

I'm not sure you've done him any favours.

First of all £30- £35K for a starting graduate job in London is the usual rate, so refusing it for this reason is quite entitled.
Hundreds of thousands of people live in London on smaller salries than that.
On DH's friend finding him a job, look at it from the other point of view, it does feel like an unfair advantage, which most graduates are unable to benefit from- lots of people do it, but that doesn't makeit fair or right.

A house or flat share for 3 people in Nottingham is £1250 minimum, more like £1500 before bills. So that's not expensive.

My DD graduated last year and struggled to find work as did all her friends. She's still the only one with a career type job paying similar to your son's. She was helped to get that by a level of privilege (less than your son's but still something I acknowledge) and luck.

Of course most people would help their child if they could but it's depressing that social mobility is so much worse than it was 40 years ago when I graduated.

I think this is just like most parenting decisions. The overwhelming majority of people want to do the best for their children, but will differ in what they are able to provide and in what they think is in the best interests for their children.

Is this unfair? Yes of course, it’s hugely unfair. Are their lots of other equally talented, hard working young people who won’t be given this advantage? Again, yes of course.

That doesn’t necessarily make it ‘wrong’. Sadly life is very unfair for many.

Personally, in your position I wouldn’t dream of paying my child’s rent. Neither would I be particularly comfortable with a friend/colleague ‘creating’ a role for them.

Your son has had the privilege of a good education and many opportunities that are not available to the majority of the population. As a parent I would also want to give him the opportunity of learning to make difficult choices, accept (genuine) risk and dust himself off when things go wrong.

Real life builds skills. One day he may come across a problem that no amount of money, or connections or education can fix and I would want my child to have developed the skills to meet that head on.