AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Surely you can see how your son has benefited from these privileges, and how that could be frustrating for a friend to hear about when their own child is struggling in a broken job market? Like never having to worry about rent because Bank of Mum and Dad will bankroll it? Like being probably five years away from being able to afford a deposit to buy, as a result? Unlike other grads who have to take the measly £35k (!!) and pay thousands in rent in London for the privilege?

this post smacks of humblebragging

yes we all want to help our kids as much as we can, but you need to acknowledge that without this help he likely wouldn’t have got the job, and a lot of other kids don’t have this help.
while the rules of society allow you to do this we all selfishly will. But don’t kid yourself - he’s had an unfair advantage, which includes even the opportunity to go to uni, travel and take part in all of those extra curricular activities that boded him well for interviews etc.

It’s an advantageous coincidence, that the friend had such a job. The ‘encouraged him to apply’ is also quite telling.
It wouldn’t be outrageous to assume that this vacant may have been created for this young lad, and that the job was already his before he walked in the door.
We all know this happens. Many of us have probably been in positions where we had a friend ‘put in a good word’ or similar. It’s life but it is unfair and the OP protesting that he got it fair and square alongside his free rent it’s a complete denial of the privilege this family have. The OP’s righteous anger that her friend questioned this is a real reflection of her lack of self awareness at best, and at worst everything that is wrong with social mobility

Im amazed on this thread and on others how many posters seem unaware how many people work for less than 35k in London. As if thats minimum wage, here! Literally thousands of retail, hospitality, station staff, nursery workers, cleaners, delivery drivers will be working for a lot less.

Of course its entirely reasonable for a Durham graduate to expect and be entitled to earn more than that, and have a decent salary but lots of people do.have to make 35k work in London, so im unsure why he needs a top up when hes on 40k.

The OP is coming from a place of bias, which is understandable but we all know how these things work.
Even if the lad went in and smashed it out of the park entirely on his own merits, there is clear advantage here and it’s no wonder the OPs friend feels frustrated that the job market isn’t fair and that families with privilege will continue to be so, and kids who have no elitist connections will struggle

She said she thought it was unfair and you agreed it was unfair. It is what it is 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s ok to be privileged (I guess) but it is hard to see a complete lack of awareness of this kind of privilege in people like your son

it is the lack of awareness you have as well, by then bragging about it to your friend

I voted YABU. I would absolutely do this myself for my own DC, but I'd feel guilty about it. It's not fair that someone can get a plum job because of their parents' network. It's got nothing to do with how hard he worked through university. There are going to be young people who worked just as hard or harder, in more difficult circumstances, who weren't even able to apply for the job because it wasn't advertised, only open to people with the right connections.

In a similar vein, I set up a work experience program at work so that DS could get a decent placement. I've continued to run it, working with a school in a very deprived area to give students the same opportunity. Seven students have now benefitted from me creating that programme. That's a win-win but I still recognise that DS benefitted from my position and that wasn't morally peachy.

R.e. the rent it's what OP wants to do. If I got example was a multi millionaire and could buy each of my DC's a property in London I'd do it.

@Grapewrath Fair enough, but it doesn't mean that he won't be a good fit for the job. I'm now self-employed, but networking/referrals played a part in my two previous roles, and I was darn good at them if I do say so myself.

40k and he still needs mummy and daddy to pay his rent? That's nuts. He needs to stand on his own two feet at this stage. Fine, you helped him get a job, but if he can't untie the apron strings and grow up, you're doing him no favours.

I do agree that there's a certain feeling of pride to getting work experience, jobs, etc on your own merit and from your own efforts. When I started in publishing after university aged 23, I applied for work experience at all the major consumer publishing companies in London, and just sent emails with my CV. There was no chance my parents would know any media connections, so the rewards of a week on Esquire was good, and I had a real sense of pride that I'd been able to prove that I could use my initiative etc.

My privileged upbringing has brought me a lot of middle class comfort, but I know my parents also instilled a sense of being self sufficient to an extent, but they can be a safety net if absolutely necessary.

Sometimes I think the rewards feel greater if it's been truly earned by total efforts of someone on their own. Having a support network and wanting the very best for your DC is absolutely ok and understandable too though.

Do you actually KNOW the prospective employee though or just a family member

Bloody hell how the other half live eh? Turning down a $35 job because it's not enough? When he's just in his early 20s! Yes he is privileged and spoiled. But I've met plenty like him in London.

You've done nothing wrong in getting him the position. Everyone does their best for their children. But you are unreasonable in thinking that others, including your friend, should applaud the nepotism and absolute privilege that this involves. You have to understand that there are many , many young people who are just as talented and hardworking as your son who will not get any similar opportunities because they don't have connections like yours. Just own the privilege!

‘The Elites’ 🤣

This is literally how it works regardless of social status. How do you think Tradies find the young people that help out as unofficial apprentices? It will be the son or the son of a friend. It works because you know the family and can vouch for the work ethic and environment they’ve likely been raised in. Making out it’s just a rich person folly is laughable.

So you think the job never really existed? That it's a made up 'filler' type job?

Either a job is essential, and they would have otherwise recruited to it ia advertising and therefore a better candidate may have missed out. Or it never really existed/needed and is a made up role

@Bushmillsbabe Or it could just be timing? Advertising costs money and if someone has just been promoted or given notice, it's convenient if a suitable candidate comes up before the job has been advertised.

Lots of people from all walks of life do this- I know people who employed their own children as 'apprentices' in the local garage, people get their friends jobs on the same shift in a local shop and this is an extension of this desire to help out those closest to us.

It's definitely unfair, but will happen more and more as employers are cutting jobs, are overwhelmed with hundreds (even thousands) of applications, have no real way to sift them except AI interviews, and it becomes easier to just start to let the old social networks take the strain.

I have tried to help my child to get work experience but they turned me down and did it on their own,

I'm not going to feel guilty about helping my children out with things like living costs or money for fun things or anything though, that's what I work for myself, to make sure they have a cushion in life to fall back on. I think things will be tough, I'm not interested in being richer myself, I want them to have choices and am prepared to work hard and clever to ensure they have them through having some family money that ensures a basic standard of living.

I have run work experience placements in the usual fair way, sadly I've found not everyone is great at those and a couple have even just disappeared with a small amount of money. The idea that the best always rise to the top isn't always true and I understand why it's easier to pick someone you know, or can trust, in some capacity. I still do run them but I'm becoming less motivated as it's a lot of hassle for little reward.

He is not being blood taken advantage of being offered a 35k job. So many graduates dream of this pay. You are entitled and your son is spoilt.

Is this 1.4k a month on top of a 50k salary? That’s a huge amount for rent even in London. Why did you even ask the question in this thread if you don’t like the answers and are just doubling down on we did nothing wrong and my son isn’t spoilt and privileged

I’ve named change for this as it’s quite personal but some of these comments!

I was born on a council estate. My father was an alcoholic and my mum worked minimum-wage jobs just to get by.

I worked my absolute arse off to build a better life. My husband, our children and I now have a very good life but it didn't happen by chance.

I started my career as a teacher. I worked hard, moved schools, and built a strong network within the local authority. I've progressed through different roles by networking, seeking advice from the right people and making connections. I've often felt that the opportunities I've had came partly because people knew me and what I was capable of.

That's why I completely understand what you've done. Your husband will have worked hard to build those contacts and of course your children should benefit from them.

Every sector is full of the saying, "It's not just what you know, it's who you know."
I worked my arse off to get where I am today. If people don't like that they're free to do the same and build opportunities for their own families. If an opportunity presented itself for my children, I'd absolutely use the contacts I've spent years building to support them.

Hate the game, not the player.

You do know how jobs at the docks used to work?