AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

That isn't what an employee referral scheme is. It's when if I apply for a role in your company and mention your name, then you might get a small fee if I'm accepted and take the role.

To be honest if I was in your son's position I would far rather get a job myself than have one set up by one of my parents. He could have taken the job he was offered, there will be plenty of people are living in London on a smaller wage, just as there are in cities all around the world. Why do you need to help with his rent? Young people generally share flats with others. Yes, he does sound spoiled and as for him being hard working - do you think no other young people work hard?

I urge everyone who's saying it's sour grapes to read the strip on this site. It might give you some insight into why the less privileged might feel the way they do about these leg ups: https://www.boredpanda.com/privilege-explanation-comic-strip-on-a-plate-toby-morris/

The ds did well at the interview and got in on merit

But he doesn't need to live on just that, his parents will help. They'll help at 40, they would have helped at 35. The extra 5 won't make a difference. I personally don't think there's anything wrong with that. We've been very happy to supplement ours to give them freedom to take certain jobs and make choices about where they wanted to live.

The only two things in the OP's tale that are confusing are the refusal to take the first job, since there's very little difference in take home between 35 and 40, and why she told her friend all the details.

It’s probably disappointing to your friend, but not surprising. She’s well within her rights to see the situation for what it is, and the unfair advantage orchestrated by you to give your son an opportunity that wouldn’t have been there without your dh persuading his friend to take on your son.
You’d be incredibly naive to think that it’s a coincidence that dh friend has the perfect position for your son at the right salary… then ‘encouraged him to apply’.
You KNOW your son didn’t get this job in his own merits, It’s ok to support your son but insulting to pretend his success wasn’t the result of your connections

They’re just jealous. Of course help your own child.

People can build connections through uni and aggressive networking

I mean he interviewed and passed the interview and met the requirements.

@Grapewrath He had an advantage, but personally, I don't think it was an "unfair" advantage. The OP says that "One of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. " That's not the same as persuading a friend to give someone a job, it's networking to find out about opportunities.

He found out about a job, applied for it, presumably he was qualified for the role and performed well in the interviews. I doubt that his Dad's friend was the only person making the decision to offer him the job.

I've told people about job opportunities before and so has my DH. It doesn't get them the job, they still have to apply for it like everyone else. I've also told business owners that I know someone who's job-hunting and might be a good fit.

I would worry he has a poor work ethic.

£28k to £32k is about standard for the starting salary for a good grad scheme in London (excluding law, investment banking, etc).

Refusing to be 'overworked' for a standard salary? Needing to be topped up, even on £40k?

I have a huge amount of privilege, but at least I acknowledge it. I don't think you're doing him any favours, tbh.

I'd have respected him more if he'd taken the lower grad job he'd earned himself and you were topping him up. Because he would be benefiting from his privilege (the bank of mum and dad) while still earning something on his own two feet. Everything here is a hand out of first choice, not last resort.

I get why you helped your son but also get why someone might be peeved. Similar situation with my son actually mirrors your story however husband held back and let him make his own way, they both work in the city and husband could have pulled a lot of strings and probably would have if things got desperate but left son to see how he would do things and it worked out well.

Totally agree, this thread is unbelievably outing. I almost feel sorry for your oh so privileged son now!

I think that's a healthier approach to using privilege - creating a safe space to fail, because then the child at least tries.

Your child either makes it unaided (win!) or fails and takes the help from a place of appreciating it. Either way, they grow as a person as they've done something all by themselves.

You are not unreasonable for helping your son and asking around about jobs. Everyone wants the best for their kid.

You are unreasonable for lacking empathy for your friend and her son, the world is unfair but acknowledgement of privilege can go a long way.

Also for being short sighted for saying that he wasn’t taking a job from anyone because it wasn’t advertised. That is precisely how he would be (potentially) taking it from someone else. If a job isn’t advertised because it’s given to a ‘friend of a friend’ or ‘son of a friend’ in this case, then people without these connections do not stand any chance at all.

If connections are used to find out about jobs that are advertised, with anyone having the chance to apply and truly the best person for the job getting it, then that would be fair. But as you said, the world isn’t fair and so that’s not how it typically goes…

Some people know what they are worth

If the job wasn't advertised how is he taking it away from someone. He got in via a referral, someone said they had an offering. The DS as a candidate applied and did well and got a good job from it. Shouldn't we all be happy for him?

Blimey. Handbags are out! A bit envious, perchance? 😳😉

Someone who has managed a year in industry, has a first in maths and economics and did get a good job

I’m sure he did. I’m also fairly sure that the job was his before this formality.

Yes. Exactly. He did well on his own merits, as well as the connections his family have given him. There's nothing wrong with that, IMHO.

Yes, absolutely he is very privileged. And if others don't like those privileges, fair enough. Bit much to be so bitter about it though...

The job wasn't handed to him. A door was opened and he proved himself.

Yeah right because you know more than OP

No… of course it’s not so black and white. Simply that I would rather hire a young person who was able to create their own opportunities than one who’s had them on a plate. I say that with lots of experience hiring graduates.