AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Most people including your friend will know that “it’s not what you know but who you know,” which opens doors for lots of people. The fact that your son secured a perfectly good job at £35000 on his own was fantastic but he turned it down on the basis he thought it wasn’t good enough and you and he thought he was worth far more. Admit it, you and he thought he would walk into a job £50k+. He didn’t, he wasn’t good enough, instead he got offered a lowly £35k and turned it down. Then it suddenly dawns on you both that he isn’t going to get that £50k+ starting salary you all envisioned and needed your help to open doors to get a £40k job instead. Hopefully, he will make a success of the advantage you have given him. Paying his rent for him is ridiculous he will be taking home roughly £2600 per month so can well afford to pay it himself and still have a good lifestyle on what is left. My DD has just started her first graduate job £30k, she has moved and is renting a flat, paying her rent and bills herself. The rent is cheaper where she is but taking that into account and her take home salary, she has about the same left over after rent and bills that your son would have if he paid his own rent. She has a car to run as well. She is more than happy as she has more money for socialising than she has ever had whilst studying.

He may have been but no luck in the competitive graduate market even with a first from Durham hence using contacts.
He sounds like a strong candidate who would be going for the high level graduate roles.

We did something similar. You were not wrong to find help for your son but your friend is not wrong to point out that this is privilege at work - and (as some poster has already pointed out) how the elite keeps itself elite and puts up barriers to others.

It's a surprise because I have never heard of parents doing it. I don't move in the right social circles I suppose..Pretty sure none of my friends are paying , or have paid, their adult children's rent.

You've done nothing wrong but you're friend is not wrong to point out how unfair nepotism is. It's really unfair.

@OneMerryFinch Ah, I think I misunderstood earlier. I thought that you meant there was an advertised post and your contact just flagged it to you, with your son applying and competing against the field and being successful. Was it not an open and competitive process? I understand that people can be headhunted in particular circumstances but this isn’t that … if it wasn’t an open and competitive process, then I’m always surprised to hear these things can still go on. I honestly thought that organisations had to have fair and open processes - is it something to do with the size of the organisation?

If it wasn’t an open process then I really don’t think that’s fair at all - I recognise that every layer of privilege is just another unfairness heaped upon a previous one, but I do wonder how organisations are even allowed to recruit in that way these days.

That said, I still understand why you helped your son!

Yes, I think OP’s son thought that his Durham First Class would guarantee a 60k + graduate role . He knows some of his peers are on salaries of 60k + and so 35k didn’t cut the mustard . He then realised that the graduate market is crap so he took on a job of 40k .
When people are looking at jobs they should be looking at career progression , not only salary

Oh come on.

£35k is just above the average wage for a graduate. Not one living in london. Not one coming out if durham.
Its basically low paid both for the location and the job.
My own DCs who are graduating/internership would have refused that too. Because it would be very hard for ANYONE to live just on that in London.

dc1 found a job in the north of England. £30k. It’s still considered low.
dc2 is doing on a year long internship at £31k (Akso in the north….)

As fur meritocracy.
Meritocracy doesn’t ask people to accept shit wages. It says that if you’ve worked hard, you’ll reap the benefit. Like having great A levels, getting into one of the best Uni in the country, working hard there, doing internships etc…. Exactly what the OP dc did…..

I don't think you can honestly claim that "starting out is hard" for young people like OP's DS though, that's sort of the point.

It's hard starting out for young people who have student debt and are struggling to afford their rent. It's not hard when you you can afford to pass on a job many young graduates would jump at the chance for because why should you get out of bed for less than £40k when you know Mum and Dad can get you a well paid job just by asking?

I don't necessarily subscribe to the view that suffering builds character or that all parental help should automatically stop when a child turns 18. But I do think that clearing a path for your adult children so they don't experience any 'normal' day to day hardships or sacrifices whatsoever is unhealthy. An adult earning £40k should be paying at least some rent, and having to make choices about their savings and spending accordingly. In fact, I would expect any young person who wasn't completely entitled to insist on doing so.

Well Tbf, I know a few graduates from Oxbridge, Durham etc… who are in £60k as their first job. (In that area too).
It’s usually banking in london. Awful hours and people usually dint last more than a year or so.

EDIT to add: I’m talking about people who are starting now/this September. Not years ago

This happens all the time. I don’t think it’s unique to graduate roles.
Many of my school friends and now their children went into apprenticeships because their dad knew someone in the trade.
I think your friend is being unrealistic to think this is not normal and I can bet my bottom dollar if she had a network she’d have used it

Oh god I’ve just realised who OPs son is…. One of the useless over privileged juniors in my team that keeps demanding a pay rise even though they’ve never done anything 🫣😆

OP I don't think you've done anything wrong, everyone wants the best for their children and that's what you're trying to give him!

I work in the private sector, and we see a fair few referrals, if anything they have to work harder to show that they weren't "given" the job, that can take years to shake off so you may have inevitably made his career harder.

He sounds bright and hard working, he should be able to make it on his own, there must be a reason he didn't given on paper he sounds like an ideal graduate candidate.

Paying the rent would probably be a step too far for me. "Slumming it" at uni and staying in absolute shitholes was actually the funniest time of my life! I feel a real sense of achievement surviving on pot noodles and toast for years

This is so taboo to say but also really correct. It’s right that potential parents think about what they have to offer a child, with the way the world is right now.

Your friend needs to give her head a wobble.

Majority of parents would do exactly the same as you OP, if your husband manages to open a door for your friends son, it will be interesting to see if she rejects the opportunity based on what she said to you. Good luck to your son and his new job, the job market for graduates is terrible at the moment.

No it’s not fair. Yes it’s a tale as old as time. Anyone else in the same position would do the same - although he should have taken the original job and then kept looking for something else while there

Again he was good enough for the role..good on him. If you want to pay his rent and you have enough money to. Go for it.

@OneMerryFinch Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

So basically, the same as the rest of us who worked hard at school and university and secured top grades. What makes you think your son is different?

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

Your son and husband appear to both have an entitled mindset and attitude, and are both culturally lazy. £35k is massive for a boy in his 20s coming straight out of university. Most people work for many years to secure that salary.

The right mindset would have been for your son to accept the position and start working while continuing to study and work during the weekends to secure a better position.

Youve absolutely done nothing wrong. Every single person on here would do the same for their child if the opportunity arose. Its not always the rich who get a leg up. My ds got an opportunity in a legal firm due to my dh, who is a self employed trades person, being helped by a customer (solicitor) he did work for. I feel no guilt whatsoever.

You’re friend is jealous and in future I would go careful what you tell her.

Loads of companies have employee referral schemes, this isn’t much different. Your friend sounds nasty.

Again he got referred, no Biggie. But then he impressed and got through job. Good on him

He got the role he wanted. He's 22 on £40k. He probably earns more than many MNers have or will ever have earned

So the only people who are hard workers or good at problem solving/creative thinking/success are those for whom it's a necessity? Sort of a way to survive on the streets?