AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Oh, dear.

A big part of finding the right job is networking. It was for me. I had no ready-made connections, so I just got on with building them. It's reasonable to feel a little resentful that others have connected families, parents who pay the rent, buy them a car and stump up for their first deposit, etc. But it's not a fair world, I knew that. I never thought less of people for having more privileged backgrounds than me; why would I? We all play the hand we were dealt.

If your friend refuses to see it as part of life's tapestry, she is not your friend. And if her son won't embrace the value of industry friendships, he'll be making his own life a little bit harder.

I voted vabu to expect another parent not to call out nepotism BUT, I'd do the same as you OP and pull every string I could to help my children get on.

Why are nepotism arguments never levelled at people who follow a parent into a “family business”, take over their trade, window round, Butchers or any other business? Yes these are in generally less well paid roles (not necessarily however) but it’s no different. Hence the X & Sons - that is starting to be replaced in some local firms I see with X & Daughters. Surely if you can help out your kids you will?

We don’t recruit blind. I’ve looked at several hundred recent graduate CVs in last year. I try and look at cv/application before name or uni. I can spot where usually very reliably. Even compulsory modules and years taken narrow it down eg some unis you do criminal year one, some do land year 1. Plus GCSE and A level grades big indicator. When you are seeing volume you spot patterns. My dd is also studying same subject so I had pleasure of a dozen or so uni open days. Eg Durham law you can take a none law module yr1, York is a unique problem based learning course up etc.
If you asked me to sort in piles for RG, Oxbridge/Durham, local FE college (accredited by a low ranking Welsh uni - we are no where near wales), local ex poly, local none RG I’d reckon I’d be fairly accurate without seeing uni name.

It's hardly being bitter.

Sounds like the friend is just gutted for her own child.

Both positions are understandable but I'd say more discretion in future OP!

Paying rent for adult children in london is completely unthinkable for most - you are very privileged indeed, as is your son.

I cant afford this, and no I'm not bitter about it but it's not what I'd want to hear either in your friend's shoes.

Hopefully you can patch things up.

You got your son two jobs through your connections when he turned down another role that was offered on a plate.

I think as family goes, those who have the means and connections will often help their children. I would. If they needed it. I was given £10k to use as deposit for a 2 bed house I renovated. I went on to make £35k profit and 15 years on gave us a leg up to get our perfect family home. My mum helps out with health issue costs sometimes. Both of these things are privileged, if not on the same scale. I recognise this.

Ive always found my own roles though, even going as far as writing speculative letters when I moved back to the area and securing a role made for my experience and skills. I guess the bigger question is, is your son entitled, ungrateful or think he's too good for x and y and does that attitude come across? Having a parent get not one but 2 roles for him (and turn down an acceptable job with nothing else in the pipeline at the time) and help with rent suggests that maybe that could be the case. Was he sitting on his laurels both times waiting for things to come to him?

If he's none of those things id personally not worry about any of it. People can be jealous and although there is a ring of truth in what your friend has said (daddy getting him a job is a bit of a cliche), im sure they'd do similar if needed.

Not unreasonable at all. If he’d been useless they wouldn’t have given him the job,regardless of how well the recruiting manager knew the parents.

Why on earth is this a surprise to you? Of course some people want to help their children out if they are able to. Wealthy people like Tony & Cherie Blair have large property portfolios and have bought their offspring properties, a different league from a bit of rent for a while.

It's not fair but I don't blame you for helping ur son and ur son accepting the advantages of his parents connections. I do take issue with the idea he didn't take a job from someone else thou as presumably if he hadn't been offered it they would have advertised it out. I guess it would be less irksome if he had won it fair and square though and interview process and therefore on merit rather than connections. But heyho that's the world we live in

The only teenager in our friends/family group who has managed to get a job in a local cafe went to school with the owner's son.
Same principle. And people do their best for their kids, or decent parents do.
Pretty privilege, ableism, what your accent's like etc-it is absolutely unfair how some people get advantages through sheer luck, but sadly the world has always been like that.

If you have friends or family that can help you with your kids in regards to education, work experience or carers you not going to turn this help or advice down especially in the current climate.

I know couples who may not have had much of either education and or money but who worked hard. They wanted their kids to have a better education and more opertunuties than them.
One friend of mine got her kid's into a school with better teachers, facilities and opportunities than her nearest secondary school. She heard comments about doing this. She knew it was going to benefit her kids long term both education and social wise.

I see parents that have a work ethic and are pro active about there kids education and extra circular activities have kids with a work ethic who want to reach there own potential.

The original poster here said her son had work experience in company x but they wanted him back for £35k a year. He got a better role with £40k because of someone the family knew. The reality is that he is taking this job for more money and different experience which long term will lead to better roles with more money.

I know someone that got good advice regarding degree and master's from someone working in that career area who knew them well.
They are now on a graduate scheme that thousands of people applied for. They are getting good experience and this well help them long term.

I know people and they will ask friends for help and advice regarding job, careers ect. I know people that got others job interviews and jobs in different places as well. This has been going on for years.

The one thing I would say is to keep quite if your child got help getting into particular job or company.

If you're child's friend is looking for work say you ask your son or daughter is there anything in there company or do any of there friends know of any jobs going. Tell them as well to contact their university or there schools past pupils union if they have one.

I would also keep quite if your paying there rent or giving them a deposit to buy a house. If they buy a house later on you could say a distant relation left them some money. I know families that have helped out adult kids to buy houses because they were in a financial position to do so and it's passing on an inheritance when the adult child needs it.

Absolutely NBU, starting out is hard and he was right to take any help he could get, life throws up opportunities sometimes and it's up to him which ones he takes. He's obviously a self starter and I hope he settles in well

That's true, although it doesn't sound like that's what the OP's son was going for, since he was happy with 40.

Like most have said, fine to help him, most parents would, but it’s important to acknowledge the privilege.

im 50 by now and the men that I cannot abide now are the successful ones (that bits fine) who think they achieved that entirely on their own accord 😂 no you privileged twat, you got several leg ups.

I now earn well into 6 figures (in my 30s) but as a graduate my first job was for 15k a year in London, and I lived in a big shared house to afford it. You are not teaching your child tenacity and self sufficiency. You are teaching them to put their hand out every time they encounter a problem in life.

He's a graduate. If he was in his 30s and they were funding him you'd have a point.

Depends on how you define that but many people are unaware of just how privileged they are by many measures.

If your child went to private school (not assuming but mentioning as you’ve mentioned debating abroad so it seems possible), that puts him among only 7% of the population.

If anyone in your family has a postgraduate degree, that puts them among only 16% of the population.

If anyone in your family pays the higher tax rate, they’re among only 18% of the population.

I don’t know what percentage of the population would be in a position to help a child with rent in London, after their own rent or mortgage (or perhaps having paid the latter off) but I don’t think it would be high.

Privilege is like compound interest. We can’t help wanting to help our children but, no, it isn’t fair.

I say this as someone raised with some of the above advantages myself, by the way, so I’m not criticising.

'Like most have said, fine to help him, most parents would, but it’s important to acknowledge the privilege'

Or, fine to help him most parents would but show some tact and don't overshare re finances and contacts.

You don’t recruit blind, which is fine. I make no claims for or against blind recruitment.

However when blind recruiting is used, there is a lot more to it than omitting the name of one’s university. Typically the interview process is multi-layered and performance based. Correspondingly, identifying details such as when various subjects and course units are studied are omitted, at least until the later rounds of the selection process.

The emphasis in blind recruiting is on what you bring to the table rather than where you come from. Often candidates from strong programmes bring the most to the table. But there is no guarantee.

Worked hard throughout. Found h

is oen placemrents been prepared to do other jobs. Kept his head throughout and been consistent anf realistic with what he wants until its been foind

My point is that those who learn self sufficiency early are those who figure out how to be successful in life and often that pays off later. I’m now in a role where I take on interns and graduates, and believe me, you can tell who has had a leg up - I look for candidates with great problem solving skills and an ability to work independently, and that doesn’t come from having mum and dad get jobs for you.

Well said. Plenty of hard work, talent and high intelligence at the other end of the social spectrum too, but the vast majority won’t be on £35k let alone £40k at 23! Most people don’t have much over once bills are paid. It’s reality for the majority of society. I am in no way into low aspiration or inverse snobbery - quite the opposite actually, but the poorer/less privileged people are the harder they have to work to push through the psychological, financial and social barriers to have a chance at earning more than their social class or parents did. And it still won’t be £35k at 23 in most cases!

Yes I get it much be more nuanced. We do everything no tiers of HR/AI so see everything a candidate submits.

Indeed - giftedness/talent will succeed no matter its social class, although I’d still argue it’s harder to work up at the bottom and most will achieve less than their wealthier better connected counterparts. Confidence has a big role to play, I’ve found..

Literally every thread ive been on where people discuss earning 6 figure salaries, they all talk about working hard, having drive, determination, taking risks, looking for opportunities. All those things can be true at the same time as having some good fortune, luck or privilege.....but none of those are usually listed.

People think if you mention privilege or luck you take away the fact they worked hard, when both things can be true at the same time.

I dont blame the OP for using connections (although having said that being offered the first job at all is a win in the current climate!!) but can equally see the friend might feel aggrieved that they dont have that opportunity