AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

It's funny, every parent I've met whose adult child has walked into a well paid job due to family connections waxes lyrical about how exceptionally hard-working and talented they are and how yes, the CEO is an old family friend but they absolutely would have got the job on merit anyway because they really are exceptional etc etc.

Makes you wonder how we've ended up with so many corrupt and incompetent posh men in positions of power in this country.

Apologies, @pinkspeakers . I had not seen your post when I wrote. I agree with your more nuanced reply.

I think the point is that the OP's son could perfectly well afford to live in London independently on his salary and it is jarring that OP insists that this would condemn him to some terrible existence when many people are managing perfectly well on a similar salary. It would be different if eg he was still a student with little or no income and OP was helping him survive (privileged, but different!)

Your little Prince has not lived in the real world, and certainly you throwing money at him hadn't helped that

Did you pay for tutors for him?

Did he have to work at University? No stress with that or money worries it appears.

Who funded his life whilst doing internships?

Who funded his travelling?

He hasn't really worked for anything has he? A life free of money worries is a complete luxury.

Of course, if you've got it flaunt it, but if you try and imply he's earned any of what he has now, you are being very disingenuous and that will rankle with people who don't have the many advantages your son has and continues to enjoy.

Paying your employed adult offspring's rent after they've finish university is ... not something I would do under any circumstances. I think you are depriving him of valuable life experiences by excessively clearing his path.
As for helping him find a good job, YANBU, but neither is your friend being unreasonable for feeling resentful about it.

I really don’t see how that can work though.
If you got a first in Anglo Saxon and Norse that’s your qualification. You were captain of some niche sport mainly played in private schools or chaired the college ball committee it’s all relevant on your cv but a big indicator you’ve not been to an ex poly.

Within my family and friends circle, one person is a global c-suite recruiter, with an influential Swiss company. After a few jobs (as a roadie) in live events and then a few more in advertising and marketing organisations, DN landed a plum job with what is probably the world's best live events company. At which point, said recruiter invited them to tap into his own contacts network before making the next career move. Contacts and connections, and competence and being personable gradually sift the wheat from the chaff.

FWIW, @OneMerryFinch you've taken a lot of flak today, but the polling is in your favour.

I don't think it's unreasonable to help but it's unreasonable not to see it is unfair. Lots of unprivileged people work very hard but get nowhere. As an individual family absolutely you do your best for your son, but when seen across society as a whole it is unfair.

If he'd taken the 35K intern job last September and worked for a year he'd likely now be being promoted to £40k + and maybe a bonus - graduate jobs go up quite quickly at the beginning for good people,. Or at least wpuld have earned 35K this year rather than minimum wage in a garden centre/travelling - and then could still be starting the 40K friend's company one this Sepetember with a years paid work experience. Not doing the first year at the intern place seems strange logic for a money focused econ graduate to me.

Well - obviously it isn’t fair as others don’t have that chance.

But at the same time it’s very common amongst those who are better off/ have good jobs and connections. It isn’t against any laws to ask around about who might be advertising and for friends to encourage someone to apply.

And it sounds like he went through the interview process so was above board in that respect.

I can’t really vote as yes it’s unfair but also yes it’s understandable and very common.

This is true too of course.

Im in two minds reading this OP.

On one hand.. I think its completely normal for parents to want to help get their children where they can. Of course it is.

On the other, you seem to be lacking in empathy for those who are not so privileged in that the tone in which you describe these things, you feel you are being unfairly judged and its a bit whiney.

You are privileged and so is your son. There's no doubt. So own it. You can't say people judge us for being so privileged, that's so unfair, so please feel sorry for us.

Also the long long introduction detailing your sons merits and achievements... sounded quite boastful. So it's not surprising that it gets people's backs up. If you don't want or are sensitive to, adverse comments you ought to rein it in a bit.

"My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly."

Just because a friend asks you what your son earns and how they got the job - doesn't mean that you have to give the full details. I think people's salaries are their own business and its never wise to just offer up that information.

It would be different if you have offered to help her son with an introduction or real ideas. Maybe you were not as tactful as you think you were about telling her, and didn't appreciate how worried she is about her son's job search

If it bother's you that people say you/your son are privileged then stop giving so many details out about it.

Well she’s right that it’s not fair, but that’s the way the world works I’m afraid. I’ve had jobs because I knew the owners brother in law, or the owners wife was friends with my aunt or whatever. I wasn’t in a position to turn those jobs down because it wasn’t fair to other people.

The world works this way in my eyes. Sadly it’s rarely on merit but on who you know

i worked in an industry where that’s how you got in and then had to work to keep it

thatd why I think private schools work a little better just from connections you make.

however I don’t think I’d advertise it to the world.

There is nothing wrong with being privileged enough to help your children have a good start. Your son has been lucky so far thanks to the opportunities you’ve given him, and that he’s taken them. What I would say also though is that turning up his nose to the graduate job does sound a bit spoilt. And I presume you, not he, paid for the three months travelling/holiday after his internship. I do wonder how much entitlement he exhibits at such a young man. That won’t help him as he goes through life and might be one to watch. Young men who’ve been taught to think they’re God’s gift are an absolute nightmare. But there will always be people better off and worse off. The kid is well educated, has secured a job and will be living independently. Who wouldn’t want that for their son or daughter if they could help it happen? I wouldn’t pay his rent though, he’ll need to learn self-reliance and you got him the 5k extra salary. Three months grace to start getting paid and established and leave him to it.

I know nothing about economics but perhaps more to it than money. He’d worked there a year so perhaps knew his interests lay elsewhere. Maybe he thought he’d throw everything at getting one of the £80,000 a year graduate jobs people have mentioned or wanted to work in a specific field.
Placement year is usually yr3 then back to uni year 4. He may not have wanted to tie himself down year 3 when they offered and thought I’ll get something better yr4 or when I graduate.
The graduates getting the very top jobs often go all out because the rewards are so great.
So eg law I know top tier graduates who could get a min wage paralegal job but will throw everything at getting first and then keep applying year post uni - applications take hours - to try and get a magic circle training contract. If they secure one then their earnings and career trajectory are in a totally different league. They are essentially betting on themselves. If you are a top tier candidate from a privileged background with family willing to fund you it’s a calculated risk.
Whilst taking £35,000 job might make sense on paper if by doing that you have zero chance of landing £80,000 graduate job (as you can’t put the time in applying/networking/vacation schemes or internships as you are employed) then it’s false economy. Obviously he hasn’t secured a big company job but the £40,000 may be in an area that has potential or is more in line with interests. All graduate jobs are not the same.

Amazing!

It's a race to the bottom for some, OP, ignore them. YANBU.

I would’ve done the exact same thing and I’m sure your friend would have to if she had the same connections!

It’s horrendous how anyone how anyone can be expected to live off £30,000?

no. That can’t be serious….

some people with 4 kids live off less than that

You would certainly put your subject (and degree classification on your CV). Fair enough.

In a serious university blind application situation, you would be expected to modify your CV so as not to give explicit clues about off limits aspects of your background. Someone who doesn’t think to replace the details you gave with ‘University social leadership positions’ isn’t showing much intelligence given the circumstances.

When being explicit about high school sport is risky, as it is here, either make generic statements (such as ‘Under 18 County sports or ‘Captain of high school sports team’) or omit it. High school sport isn’t likely to matter on university blind applications, anyway - these focus on levelling the playing field, and sport is largely for the privileged.

Of course your son is spoiled! You’ve not only molly coddled him by getting him a job but now you’re helping him out with rent too!

Your friend is right

You were the one who called student loans a ‘graduate tax’. Which your son has dodged. I was just pointing out that people less well off are not able to do this.
I don’t blame you for doing all you’ve done to help your son, but I also think it is unfair (as is life) and you shouldn’t get upset when your friend points out how unfair it is.

I assume Op means the 3rd year placement wage. They are supposed to be paid now to avoid only the wealthy yp being able to do internships but some are very low paid and not feasible unless someone supporting you.

It was ever thus