AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

The very basic premise of human society is that we act for the greater (collective) good. Its sad when people become individualistic & cant see how damaging their actions are for everyone.

The rents op complains her son cant afford stay so high because too many banks of mum & dad sub them.

Its better for everyone including ops son, if parents don't prop up inflated rents like this.

It does feel unfair. Children in underprivileged schools weren't even taught about grad schemes.

But your DH had connections? That he made himself? That’s a bit unfair isn’t it? How about the people who hadn’t had the chance to meet his connections earlier in their career?
And no, to the poster who said headhunters access candidates through publicly available cvs….wrong.
the amount of candidates who are approached because someone passed their name to a headhunter, is unreal. I know, I am one!
and for entry level roles, a candidate with excellent internships, extra curricular activities and strong academics has distinguished themselves from the herd, and so will indeed get approached.
Or does it only become ok to be approached after 5 years of work experience??

It means one of his Dad's mates created the job for him. Just that. He turned down a £35k job as he thought the salary was too low, so his Dad asked one of his old mates from school if his DS could work for him at his company and the mate created a £40k job for him.

This is exactly how they "expect to find people"- through the old boys network.

I'm now part of a work experience program at my job which specifically targets less privileged communities.

I recruit "blind" for roles in my team. I dont take direct applicants/favours. You want to work for me you apply like everyone else.

In 20 years married to DH i've convinced him to change processes where he works too. Internships are now openly advertised & offer a travel allowance as well as pay, and they have a partnership for work experience with an academy trust which operates schools in deprived areas which he helped set up.

I am genuinely alllll about being the change you want to see.

That's kinda weird because not all unis are equal.

@Shatenoeuf fair do's, that's change.

A graduate job at 35k isn’t being taken advantage of for heavens sake! I hate this thinking that you’re too good …. It’s really unappealing.

We know the world is full of privilege, and this is what continuously enables that to flourish. It is still very jarring to read. And I can well understand why your friend feels irked and frustrated for her son.

Workplaces are full of middle class, mediocre men sadly.

This. Its this simple. Ive seen it happen. I left a job once where it happened regularly. Half the hires were the son/daughter of lord or lady whatsername and they were largely quite crap. Thus i left.

How often do you ignore a homeless begger?

But if the universities are genuinely better, then the candidates should be better, and this should be revealed during the recruitment process. So they shouldn't need to know the university as they should be able to identify the best candidates in other ways. Admittedly, I think they are probably discarding some useful information and this is probably inefficient. But there is a trade-off as you can't be sure that those doing the recruiting won't use the university information in a biased way that has nothing to do with the skills and strengths required for the job and everything to do with snobbery etc.

He made his name through working hard, being reliable, skilled and knowledgeable, people he worked with and who regarded him highly and then recommeded him. He made his own 'chances'. He didn't have a CV online and wasn't actively looking when approached. It isn't connections in the nepotism sense, but rather professional recommendations.

It becomes 'ok' when you have made those chances yourself, rather than mummy/daddy making them for you!

There is a huge gap between what is done on this in private schools vs state.

In private, work experience is coordinated through professional parents & old boy networks, the kids go to investment & law firms for a week.

In state, the kids largely have to sort it themselves. They go to local nurseries or their old primary school, or go to work with their own parents which is often limiting if you are in an underprivileged community where most parents are in low paid occupations.

Meanwhild CFOs, CEOs, QCs and top doctors go back to their own or their kids (typically private) schools and give careers talks etc, and expose these already privileged kids to more career info and advice. So unfair.

You sound very similar to my SIL. I listened to this nonsense for 15 years from her - saw her in June, and both her kids (15 and 17) were going to do work experience at her blue-chip employer, under her supervision. I asked where work experience opportunities were advertised, as it would be good to know for future reference!!!!!!!
Ummmmm, they're not. Cue lots of bleating about how this is different!
I've had exactly 11 years of sour grapes from her because she thinks my son, her nephew, might have some advantage over her two as they are state educated.

I guess she could always sell her investment properties in London to pay for private?
People are utterly deluded, 99.9% exploit what and who they can to advantage themselves and their families.

Agree! There’s been an awful lot of info shared on here.

I would do exactly the same for my children, who wouldn’t? Some people have more the others be it money or connections that’s the way it’s always been.
If I had connections I would use them. It’s the same as my dc had been trying to get a part time job for a year while at uni, the only friend who had a job was the one whose parents/family had got it for them in a supermarket as they worked there. That job should have been my dc’s of course and I was raging at the unfairness of using connections to get a family member who needed a job over someone else who needed a job.

Not. My work do winter charity support campaigns with shelter & st mungos.

From this however, ive learned that homelessness (in the sense of rough sleeping) is a very complex issue often intertwined with substance abuse, mental health problems & family breakdown, and I believe targeted support through charity donations is more effective vs offering cash to rough sleepers.

Totally subjective. For all we know he could have been related to someone throwing his name into the hat. We'll take your word for it that it was purely merit.

Nah, sorry OP, I’ve been thinking about this thread a lot and even asked my graduate DD ( who is about to start her masters ) what she thought about having her rent paid. She was like “ no thanks, I’d rather get my jobs on my own merit to pay my own rent” She lives in a relatively expensive part of the SE ( not London).

So where is the son supposed to live in the meantime? If OP takes the moralistic view and doesn’t subsidise…where does DS live and how does he get to work? It would take years for rents to re-calibrate—where should he live TODAY?

My 16-year-old got a part-time job when a friend of hers who was already working there told her to apply as they were hiring. Maybe your son has friends with part-time jobs and can apply to the same places?

It’s such a brutal graduate recruitment market that even good candidates from top universities are struggling. Too many graduates too few jobs. Lots of hurdles like AI screening and online aptitude tests before you even get looked at by a human.

In the places that everyone else in their 20s without parents paying their rent is living? Or are you suggesting that no such people exist?

The thinking is that if you work hard on a good degree programme you will learn more than someone who works hard on a weaker degree programme. This should show during the selection process.

Oxbridge applicants actually had a greater success rate with the Civil Service under this policy.

YABU for helping out someone on 40k