AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

You have done the right thing for your son and any parent would have done the same if they could. I asked around as well but luckily DS applied and was accepted on a grad job that he has found himself although I probably sent him the link. I helped him by looking as well and sending him links to grad jobs . I would have helped my DS in whatever way possible so YANBU .

OK..I.obviously need to RTFT but dare I ask if the DS, having heard about the job and presumably expressed an interest, went through any form of competitive recruitment/selection process?

This is the key question.

Not very competitive if it’s been created for him and he was the only candidate. 😂

He was interviewed and passed technical tests. So he was a competent candidate. But the job was not advertised so it was not a 'competitive' selection process in a meaningful way.

... Unless it was a War of the Nepo Babies, but OP didn't indicate this.

Ah..Ok...that's not the impression I got from the OP,.my bad, so off to RFTF..

Why not offer help via your network for your friends son too?

Its really really hard for the less privileged young people who dont have the connections your son has. Have some empathy.

What does it mean if a job isn't advertised?!? How do they expect to find people? Through referrals?

Congrats to your son for getting the job. He proved himself and put him in the position to make use of the opportunity as it arose. That's exactly what I am doing with ours. That's your job.

I wouldn't go on about it to others, and i would have probably been a bit more breezy in my response and asked her questions to take the focus off my child, but it's not your problem that she is annoyed. Life isn't fair and that's the reality of it.

Stealth boast.

It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s

It really isnt, and i think you know that. Its how posh/wealthy kids get them.

Everyone i know from school & uni got their jobs through applying for openly advertised jobs & grad schemes. It often took a lot of trying and plenty of rejections. Some never got into the well paid careers they hoped for & ended up in less well paid routes instead.

DH is from a privileged/private school background. He got a well paid internship (again unadvertised) through a family friend which led to his first job. His brother got his first job via a connection of his father, then applied for a role later on offered by the father of another pupil from their expensive school. By his report they spent the interview chatting about the school & mutual connections. He got the job.

It makes me very, very cross.

It absolutely is unfair that this is the way the world works. But you did nothing "wrong".

You are spoiling him by paying his rent when he's on 40k. But you're not doing anything "wrong".

Many young people find their own jobs, pay their own rent, and make sacrifices around where they can afford to live. Your son has all the benefits of not having to do any of that.

He will, however, never have the benefits of having to do these things for himself.

@Shatenoeuf and yet you still married him, and still benefit now doubt from the salary he earns from that job. So it's all hot air and puff really isn't it.

Agreed. This gouging of the tax purse is incredible.

I know employers who emphasise to candidates that blind means blind. It will be held against them if, in their applications or interviews, they make cultural references identifying or strongly suggesting which university they attended.

Certain Civil Service panels have taken this attitude, for example.

Build at network whilst you're at university then

What are your cross about, your DH or his brother or both?

Of course you helped you son out - most would. Perhaps just stop sharing so much information with your friends. Learn when to shut up or when to say nothing..... its a real strength.

Parents paying rent like this actually supresses wages. It allows employers to continue offering graduate wages that are too low, and allows young grads to pay inflated rents their wages dont cover.

both these things massively disadvantages poorer young people, who are then forced to live further out because no one is subbing their rent. The same is true if you give your dc a big house deposit, this supports property prices which would otherwise naturally fall to a more affordable level.

You are part of the problem op, whether you recognise it or not. Please understand that.

Both.

It's up to her to help her ds. Other people's dc not their concern

We were already together for 2 years when this happened.

I got my own very well paid job on my own efforts and without anyones connections. I dont need his money.

And yet as I say you married them and will at least in part benefit from his luck and his job. So really, all this pity is just rather performative nonsense so that you can look moral and feel good rather than create real change.

@Shatenoeuf then I hope you neither share a house or a mortgage with him, or expect him to leave you anything when he dies or anything else. Cos if you do you are benefiting from it, whether you like to think of it like that or not.

But that's just normal networking. There's a big difference between making connections at your existing part time job which could lead to a permanent post and your Dad's mate creating a £40k job for you whilst Mummy and Daddy continue to pay your rent.