AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

😂

Exactly!

This thread is very identifying for your son. Bit embarrassing for him to have his mother post all over the internet about his achievements and financial status etc.

This. Absolutely.

You’ve done nothing wrong and your friend would have done the same I’m sure in your situation.
You have, however, been incredibly naive imho. You must have encountered this kind of thing before having such a high achieving son?I have a very high achieving child and she (and I ) have dealt with this sort of thing a lot especially in her formative years.The green eyed monster is never far from these types of kids.
It’s pretty obvious that your friend whose son is in a similar position is going to be comparing and checking out your son’s progress so you were unwise to share the details of his employment with her.
Your friend is sadly one of those people who haven’t come to terms with the fact that the world and life just isn’t fair. We are not all playing on an even playing field rightly or wrongly .
Ignore her - there’s no cure for her condition and please do not share any more information with her.

I think the disagreement here may be less about what you actually did and more about how you've presented it. Your post comes across as having subtle hints of elitism, for example, mentioning the university by name when it wasn't really relevant and at times it reads as quite defensive and self-righteous.
I imagine most people would support their child in finding a decent graduate job. Whet may be rubbing her up the wrong way is the suggestion that anything under £40k isn't enough to have a good quality of life or enjoy yourself. That can come across as a little out of touch or pompous, even if that wasn't your intention. Framing it more around wanting your child to be financially secure, rather than implying lower-paid graduate jobs aren't worthwhile, would probably land much better.

My DS got into a London conservatoire. He accepted the offer then applied for scholarships and bursaries. Because he was exceptionally talented he got them and they almost made up the shortfall between the maintenance loan and the cost of living in London. He worked to fund the rest of his costs. Otherwise he would not have been able to go. He knew this when he accepted the offer. His father and I live too far away for him to commute and would not possibly be able to cover his living costs.
50% of the students there attended private schools. 50%.

He graduated with a first class degree like your son OP.
He was completely skint. Such is the way of life.
Arguably he worked very hard doing his music while he was at school and at the conservatoire. But he enjoyed it.
So I don’t feel he deserves a well paid job. I hope he’ll do well but there’s a huge difference between applying yourself to something you enjoy and doing a low paid job purely for the money.

We all like to think we have achieved through effort or merit. And therefore deserve to have a nice life. I wish more people would acknowledge that they are lucky to be able to apply themselves to furthering their own position in life. So many people have backgrounds which make this incredibly difficult to do. Yet will be dismissed as making poor choices and therefore undeserving.

People can work hard and be privileged.

The privilege you have is actually disgusting. However that’s the system and you did nothing wrong as we would all do the same for your children.

Feel sorry for your friend and her son and all the other young people who don’t have the same opportunities given to them.

x

Of course that’s fine. That’s how the world works. Doesn’t matter is you’re a plumber or an economist, connections matter. I’d say he’s doing a fine job of standing on his own 2 feet himself and this was just a little helping hand. It’s not like he sounds like he’s a slacker. I’m questioning why a friend would say that to you, particularly if she knows your son and how hard working he’s been. Up to you but I wouldn’t appreciate a friend saying that to me. Obviously he has a level of privilege already, that’s a given. But so do many people.

Sorry that wasn't meant to be under that reply -

Disgusting? Steady on!

At least you were honest - most people not only help their child but don't admit it and tell people how their child got a job through their own amazing efforts. Probably your friend would do the same if she could. But I do wish it wasn't like this

Exactly @TakeMeDancing

DD is doing research at her university and also has a p-t job in the department. We've advised her to talk to her colleagues, tutors, anyone and everyone who might have connections in her industry and could help her find a job.

Can't see anything disgusting with what OP did

He’s been lucky really, he turned down a job that was too low for him at 35k, but accepted one at 40k?
If none of your DH friends had been able to open the door for him at 40k he may have struggled, it was a pretty risky strategy!
He is super privileged that you are able to pay substantially towards his rent.
If he had been one of mine and I could afford to do similar, I would have encouraged him to take the 35k that he had been offered purely on his own merit and offered the rent subsidy, although I wouldn’t pay for ‘fun money’.
Your friend isn’t being unreasonable either, you’re in a very fortunate position to be able to help your son in the way you have through money and connections, not everyone is able to.
We have a family business, our eldest works there on a Saturday/school holidays which he knows he is extremely fortunate to be able to do when most of his friends (age 14) are really struggling to find Saturday jobs and are washing cars/walking dogs etc to try and fund their holiday spends.
He knows that if he didn’t work hard, we would advertise for Saturday help so whilst he has a leg up, he has to really graft for it but I don’t give my children an allowance.
I wouldn’t just hand over money to any of mine for them to enjoy themselves as adults, you’re raising someone to have fairly high expectations in life through not all hard work of their own.

Just leaving this link here for those who work in the arts/cultural industries and want to do something proactive to counteract the unfairness of the society we live in, and the inequality between young people who have privilege and those who don’t. You could mentor for this amazing charity (I have worked with them, do not work for them) that gives a ‘leg up’ to young people who don’t have access to the advantages we’ve been discussing in this thread:
https://www.arts-emergency.org

Why should you feel bad or guilty for helping your own son?! Is your friend saying that if she had the same contacts, she wouldn't have helped her son? Of course she would have. What's she's actually saying is that because her son hasn't been given the exact same opportunities as your son, then your son shouldn't have them either!!

Sadly, this seems to be a very common mindset. I haven't got what you have, for whatever reason, so you can't have it either. It's utterly ridiculous. That's life. You will always find people better off than you and worse off than you. You'll have people given opportunities that you didn't have. It's part and parcel of life.

I’m so confused by this - by all accounts youve painted him as an incredibly bright, clever and hardworking boy - why did he still need help looking for a job? Why did he need the connections if he was already a very, very good candidate?

t one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply.

If it was a case of the friend saying "Hey, our place has a job coming up, why doesn't DS apply?" , and the DS then went through the normal selection process then I don't see the problem.

Quite a few industries appear impenetrable to the outsider, whereas the reality is often opportunities exist, but prospective recruits don't know how or when to apply.

Excellent post.

Absolutely, and the people they are targeting usually have proved themselves time and time again as skilled, reliable, exceptional in some area relevant to the role. DH was headhunted for a highly paid role, on the basis of work he had done and connections he had made himself, not because mummy and daddy had said 'please can you offer my little darling a job' 😂

The job was never advertised.

There are laws in recruitment. To ensure companies do not fall foul of discrimination. Discrimination due to class is not one of them.
The best person for the job may not have been your son.

one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply.

Suggests a fair process was carried out.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts.

Shows that actually nepotism wins.

There would have been an element of pride in him getting the £35k offer on his own merits. But somehow a £40k role created for him because daddy asked is preferable. And you are supporting his rent anyway and presumably would have on £35k.

I hope he proves himself and doesn’t need daddy to help him again. A bit of humility goes a long way.