AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

I get that the OP and people like her on this thread think it's absolutely fine to buy their kids privilege.

What I don't get is why they're so desperate for validation from the rest of us for their actions.

Fine, be that person, OP. But stop demanding our approval. Especially after having set up an AIBU.

I don't think you have done anything wrong. I think most of us would help our children if we were in the position to do so. I know I will when the time comes. However, we will try our best to make them understand that they have advantages in life that most people do not, and not to think that all of their success is down to hard work.
I also think it's good for young people to 'do their time' in house shares and experience what it's like to not have much money.

You are not dodging tax. What you are doing is making your son's future life easier . You can do this because you have the money to do so. A student from a poorer background will be paying interest while your son will not because they will have had to take out a maintenance loan. It is the old story: to them that have shall be given while the less affluent continue to struggle. As long as your son recognises his good fortune!

That reminds me of Derry Girls tv show. They want to go on school trip to Paris. Jenny tells them to just dip in your trust fund so they go home and ask their mum (in her Woolworths uniform) who laughs and says catch yourself on!

Your friend is annoyed. I can understand why. Her comments about your son being spoiled are rude.

Your post is a bit contradictory though…

“It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts.”

He could have taken somebody else’s job. Because although that job was not advertised, that doesn’t mean that it wasn’t going to be. Would your son definitely have got that particular position in that particular company if it wasn’t for your husband’s interference?

“The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.”

So is it fair or unfair that your son got the job the way he did?

If it were my child, I would do the same. But you’re trying to justify that it is okay for him to have an unfair advantage because the world is unfair.

You helped him get a job that someone else may otherwise have got, you just need to own it and stop making excuses.

@OneMerryFinch you were wrong to share your son’s salary details—it is not your information to share. He gets to choose who knows this info. Not you.

Why are you saying he's mediocre and won't be respected?

I don't think people are suprised he gets a salary of 40k - they are suprised that, (given how amazing he apparently is), that he needed help to get this job, and that he can't manage to live on 40k and needs his parents to give him 'pocket' money at the age of 22/23!

Parents from all backgrounds use their contacts to help their kids. Whether that’s a friend who’s builder, plumber, shop owner; or graduate jobs. That’s not particular to any social milieu.

On the basis you weren’t sitting on the trading floor at the next desk I would suggest you know fuck all.

I worked very hard, yes, and was often found kneeling on the floor at 3am collating pitch documents with my colleagues - regardless of whether they went to Oxbridge, Bournemouth or Liverpool universities. We all turned up again at 7 am. All had similar career trajectories, though a few of the elites you mention left earlier on in their careers once they had enough cash to be mortgage free and became teachers as they could do so without having any concern for the shit pay and wanted to make a difference. Not sure how that fits in your skewed Marxist fantasy version of the corporate world.

Yes I don’t see why there will be any gossip. He interviewed and got the job. He’s well qualified with a first from Durham and a year in industry experience. If he’s wiser than his mum he won’t mention the introduction at all.
If he does job and if not his thing he can continue to apply for bigger or more prestigious graduate roles but will be a head above graduates similar age with no experience.

Wow well done on being so incredibly rich. That’s what you’re after right?

Do you mean it’s a parents job to help their children financially, or supporting them to be full functioning independent young people?

If you read the comment I was responding you will see why

Evonomics graduates working for top investment banks can start on a salary of 60k- 70k . They then get signing on bonus and also an end of year bonus . Some of the first year analyst can potentially earn 90 k a year ( at 21/22 )
A second year analyst could be on 100k + which is probably why OP’s son was not satisfied with the 35k as some of his peers are earning much more .
Why do you think so many graduates want to work in front facing roles in investment banks ?

I think the issues are:
he got a job on his own merit but turned it down as he didn't think the salary was good enough

That he gets a considerable helping hand financially with living costs

The job he got wasn't fairly advertised. Saying he has the skills for the job is fine, but without his dad he would not have got it and the job may never have existed or if it had been advertised publicly the son may not have even got the job.

Realistically most people do not turn down jobs as they think they can do better without knowing they can fall back on something else - in this case the son knows his parents fund him.
What if all of the parents friends said times are tough, there are no positions available? Would the OP be quite so proud of her son then in turning down a graduate job and continuing to be up against others?

It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way.

It's not "how people get jobs" though, it's how the privileged few get jobs.

Most young graduates have to compete tooth and nail for jobs, they have to accept jobs that might only be vaguely related to their degree, or they have to accept they can't necessarily live in the area they would prefer to live in. Very few would be in a position to turn their nose up at a £35k graduate job because Mummy and Daddy are paying their rent, and if nothing better turns up then one of Daddy's chums will simply create a well-paid job for them.

Your DS came out of university with no debt. He went travelling (which is a privilege in itself) and came home to a job his Mum got for him. He's now in a job his Dad got for him. He's an adult man who has never even paid his own rent. Even though he's now earning a decent salary, he still doesn't pay rent because his Mum and Dad are worried it'll spoil his "fun". That's his understanding of how the world works, but it absolutely isn't how the world works for the vast majority of people so I can see why your friend would characterise him as "spoiled". It does seem you are quite resistant to him having to experience any of the 'normal' hardships or sacrifices that come with young adulthood. It's one thing not wanting your kids to suffer or struggle, it's quite another to think your adult DS shouldn't have to pay his own rent because it would eat into his 'fun' money.

This is the shocker for me, not so much the parental connections. Girlfriend's parents also pay her rent. All so normalised!

Everywhere I’ve worked there have been people who have got their foot in the door because of a family connection. It’s not fair but it’s the way the world works and always has done.

Hate this ‘he worked hard’ bollocks. Yes he may have worked hard academically, like lots of unemployed graduates did. But his life will be plain sailing because of contacts and privilege. That’s not ‘working hard’ to get where you are. That’s just the old boy network alive and well.

Headhunters target people who have their CVs publically available and through identifying people doing similar jobs for rival companies.
In others words, not something that's only available to someone who has a dad who knows someone.

Parents will always help their children as much as they can, we're hard-wired to do this. One of my neighbor's children has just graduated and her Mum has given her a job in her small business. Personally, I think it's abit shortsighted not to encourage her to at least apply for other jobs and seen what's out there, but it's their business.

Your friend is understandably frustrated that she can't give her child similar support, but that's life. Our DD graduates next year and we don't have connections in her industry so we won't be able to help her much either.

I remember being shocked by this when I took my first job in London in 2010. Nearly everyone my age had their rent paid by their parents or lived in a flat their parents owned as part of a property portfolio.

Yes, exactly this.

I think the issue is really complicated. I’m not against EDI framework but the processes are not always getting the best outcomes. Maybe it will come with time if processes/algorithms can be improved. The issue is that the trust in it is being eroded.

It is also entirely understandable that people place value on personal recommendation from people they know and trust, especially if you know that person has high expectations and standards- so if they say they are capable/reliable etc, you are more likely to believe it.

I also think there is no way to make anything completely “fair”. Parents will obviously use their networks to help their children, and friends’ children or childrens’ friends. I know I have on all 3 counts. My DC have also used their network to help themselves and their siblings and friends. It’s the way of the world.

obviously, the wider your network, the better the chances of being able to utilise it for your children’s benefit. I don’t think you can put a “process” in place which negates it.

Same way I feel