AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Youve done nothing wrong, but your friend is also right that it isnt fair.
Your son does sound a little 'spoiled' leaving a first job because of a low salary when he knew his parents would sort it out.

This 100pc
As OP said ife isn't fair

It’s hard for young people now. Housing costs are high and there seems to be less opportunities for graduates. I would help my kids as much as I can. I didn’t have much help from mine financially but did get my law firm experience and later training contract from a firm where one of the partners knew my parents, at a time when it was very difficult to get a training contract. That help was priceless and I’d use my connections the same way for my kids.

They didn't get him a job where he's not qualified for. He got an interview... And he impressed ther.e

OP has done something that's 'wrong' in a certain way, i.e. interfered with what passes for a meritocracy in this country, but, I mean, it's very understandable behaviour. It's near enough the same as a gift of cash or property, not really any different.

Because he is not learning the value of money and budgeting. He needs to cut his cloth accordingly. Are you going to pay his rent forever?

Yes and pay his rent too
Different worlds

I was wondering this. Is he ever going to be expected to make do on his own?

What ‘resilience’ do you think the son has demonstrated?

Some will feel a certain way about what you have done because your son has incredible privilege compared to most people. So do you.

Why don't you take that on board and just shush? Instead of ranting/showing off on the Internet.

I'm sorry but as a maths and economics graduate (as am I) it doesn't look good if he cant live off 40k in london.
Part of graduate experience and an important lesson is living within your means.
If he cant afford to live in london, just go elsewhere. Life is all about these choices and compromises.

Quite.

Nearly everyone agrees that they would have given their children whatever advantage they could, just like you did.

And nearly everyone has some sympathy with the friend who resents listening you talk about it. Both these things can be true.

That.

I am nowhere near as privileged as you are @OneMerryFinch .But relative to a few of my friends, I am. Those friends don't have the first idea of how I've helped my kids. Because I know they can't do similar. So I don't rub their noses in it. I say nothing, and if they ask me anything reasonably directly, I minimise what I've done.

Again, you seem unable to read a room, or to show awareness of your privilege in the way you interact with others. You appear to have little empathy with those outside your privileged bubble, and little tact and sensitivity.

You have done nothing wrong.
But it isn't admirable either.

Very few have the advantage of "connections"
You have.
You have used that privilege. But it is definitely privilege and pretty unfair so at least just own that.

I personally would have been a hard no to Daddy or Mummy getting me a job. It would have been embarrassing. But that's maybe just me

The OP said that he has a pretty good deposit for when he wants to buy a flat / house. Presumably he’ll make do on his own when he earns a bit more and has bought his own place (it’s not obvious whether the OP would also give him some towards the deposit too).

It is. The friend might pull back from now on, which I would find understandable. It really is a different world.

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you've done OP, but you do seem to lack awareness around the privilege your family (and son) has to be able to do this.

For context, I graduated 10 years ago with a 2.1 from a top university (following a private education) and went into a job at a law firm that paid £15k. Now THAT was taking advantage! At the time, I thought I'd hit the jackpot.

Genuinely no offence but I think you're being unreasonable in thinking that £35k is bad for a graduate in London, even with the current cost of living. 10 years after graduating, I'm earning £40k and several of my friends - with equal qualifications - are earning less.

Of course you can help your own son … but I would suggest maybe giving your head a bit of a wobble and realising that it is a privilege to do so, and your son is lucky to have parents who can!

Your post seems to reek of entitlement, and suggests that somehow your son is more deserving because he worked hard at university? Maybe acknowledge that there are 10000’s of students who worked incredibly hard at university, but they aren’t lucky to have well connected parents.

Of course, go ahead and use that to support your son. But don’t go crying because some people call out your privilege. Seriously!

I think most parents would do the same if in your fortunate position, however, you need to recognise your sons privilege.

‘the job didn’t even exist on adverts’ - you’ve said it yourself!!

Who cares what your friend thinks? She’d do the same for her son if she could

He didn’t quit a job. It was a one year industry placement as part of his degree. He obviously impressed and was offered a graduate role. He decided not to accept and try his luck in graduate market. He obviously had confidence he was a strong candidate and luxury of parental support to be able to do that and effectively have a gap year post graduation. I imagine it’s been quite stressful as it’s taken an introduction to get foot in door even for a very impressive candidate.

I would have had some sympathy for the friend but the OP said that she mentions it continuously.

OP, I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time here? But also, I can't believe your friend actually said what she said. I mean, she's entitled to think that if she wants, but to say it like that is just plain rude.

Of course students from unis like Durham will be getting jobs at £40k, especially if they studied something like Economics. This is not outrageous, it's fairly standard as I far as I can see. DD was at Oxford and all her friends started on at least that.

And of course people will use connections - not only family but people / opportunities you meet at uni. DD did a Masters at Imperial after Oxford and the connections / internship opps there are what have launched her. The opportunities and connections she made there are worth far more than the degree. But you have to go for it, She got a job with a starting salary of over £120k because she built up such a strong CV and had a strong First Class Degree, plus loads of other stuff. There were about 7 rounds to the interview process including various tasks but it's kind of her dream job (for now). She's only 23. Yes she did have the advantage of a family who live in London and no we don't charge her rent as we'd rather she saved a deposit for her own place. Which she will be more than able to do now, even paying over 50% tax, so it was well worth it.

Paying our ds’s rent at university worked against him. He needed dental work and because we were giving him a monthly sum he was not allowed free treatment.
And we’re not rich but decided if we wanted dc it was on us to give them a decent upbringing.
It's very easy to pop out babies with no thought for the future.

I'd have loved to be able to help ds after he graduated last year as he did struggle a bit. He did get a job he really enjoys starting about 5 months after he graduated paying £45k (not in London). Whilst he was applying he did an internship and was also working in a warehouse. He is living in a hmo atm - we're on universal credit so couldn't help with rent or a deposit for a house. He is saving to try and get on the house ladder. I hope your ds is grateful.