AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Okay, so here’s the thing. I’m a woman who also got a First Class degree and a Distinction at Masters level. I come from a working class background, so no help for me! I think what I disagree with is thinking that 35k a year when you’re fresh out of university with very little experience is underpaid. The point is that you work your way up and earn your dues. Working my own way up the ladder proved immensely beneficial as I did work and learnt skills that I never thought I’d achieve. And by the time I was 30 I was extremely versatile and was offered a high managerial position (the youngest person to have that role). Because I’d worked my way up I’m highly liked because I can empathise with my Team because I’ve worked their jobs to get where I am, so I can offer them good advice. I also know the value of money and bought my first house when I was 28. Nobody was paying my rent or mortgage.

So, yes, the world isn’t fair and you haven’t done anything wrong, but I firmly believe that just because you can open doors doesn’t mean that you should. Will your son be as respected or as knowledgeable as someone who has worked different positions in the company to get where they are? Probably not. Will he have learnt the value of money and how to push himself to get the salary he wants? No, as he turned down a position that is very decently paid for a new graduate because it wasn’t enough for him.

Part of life and learning is working your way up. It’s house sharing when you don’t have enough money. It’s going into interviews and learning what works are who and why.

You might’ve just done him a disservice.

He has a deposit but most of it has come from family gifts, only 7k of it is money he had earnt himself, which on its own wouldn't go far in London

So why does the OP feel the need to have a rant?

I'm surprised none of his friends are choosing to pay rent and live in London? That's what my recent graduate daughter is doing on a low 30s salary. Flat share in Highbury for 800 a month plus bills. We don't live all that far from London. Plenty of people commute from here and that's what she was doing when her job was still an internship (and we didn't, and wouldn't, charge her rent). But she prefers to live independently in London with people her own age rather than with her parents in a village an hour away from Paddington. She's very good at budgeting! I'm very happy that she's made that choice - much more fun for her.

And she's not unusual. Plenty of her friends and the children of our friends are doing similar.

So the job was created for him? I wonder what the thoughts will be towards him when he starts there by those who had to apply and go through due process.

I can see your side, but I can also see the non-connected side of life where so far 100+ applicants have gone unanswered to those who are more qualified but less likely to have the doors kicked open for him.

Lets hope he uses his privilege and doesn’t pull up the ladder behind him .

Because she’s sick of hearing the friend continually bring up how spoiled she thinks the son is. I would be sick of it too.

Loose lips sink ships - why on earth did you tell your friend about it? Your husband did nothing wrong, but you spoilt it all with your great big gob. Was it necessary to brag to the friend whose son can't get a job? Really? Could you not just boast to your in-laws or strangers?

I think Op has been taken aback by friend’s strong reaction. If you are in a bubble and dc had been at a university where this type of support is common (over 50% private or grammar school at Durham) then it’s perhaps not occurred to her how privileged it all sounds.

Well maybe the fiend is right. The OP is coming across as incredibly entitled with little or no empathy for other graduates. She has absolutely no reason the rant.

I’d totally help my children when they get to the point, if I’m blessed/privileged enough to do so.

DH has helped 3 of my friend’s adult children get jobs, two were struggling to find anything and the third, the same but was severely depressed and his parents were understandably worried. They’re all thriving now.
They won’t be in a position to help mine but I do hope someone can help ours.

OP’s DC sounds like he’s got his head screwed on. I wouldn’t have told your friend about someone helping your DC to get that salary and your DC would probably have been prouder of himself if he’d got that job himself, which he’s more than capable of doing. She was angry because of the frustration of watching her own DC struggle.

We are much less than an hour away and no not one is living in rented unless they’re property out of towners eg moved to London from Manchester / Leeds.

Everybody does it, and everybody knows about it. That is why they got rid of a personal statement requirement in some med schools - everybody knew that parents and tutors wrote those personal statements, but parents who were doctors vastly outperformed non-medical parents.

My niece got into med school by miracle because she could not organise a 'shadowing' medical professional part of application - she was rejected at every turn. However, all the children of doctors in her class had no problem obtaining work experience necessary for the application. This was truly evil nepotism as it literally barred entry, so I hope they will cancel this requirement, as they did a personal statement requirement. And that is just shitty work experience, can you imagine what fund and games later, when they have to start fighting for intercal?

This is happening everywhere, in every walk of life, only people are very tight-lipped about it, unless it is a family firm.

Even jobs that people now laugh at - like a concierge at a London club was passed down from father to son - and people were boasting about it, proud of it.

I may be showing my age, but there was a brilliant Private Eye cover where HM was telling Prince Philip 'Look wonderfully our children turned out to be - everyone is a prince or a princess'.

God knows why people are surprised at 'Economics grad gets £40k job in London.' What would people actually expect his starting salary to be? As I said, this is fairly standard for all similar grads I can see at the moment. If he had done a Masters at LSE or Imperial, he could be starting on double or even triple that, with some luck and if he makes the most of the opportunities in the uni. There are so many forums and jobs advertised within these unis. People get headhunted before they've even finished their dissertations.

Don’t let your friend make you feel bad for helping your son! He needs to know that he’s privileged to have had such good connections but presumably your husband has also worked very hard to know these people who can offer your son a job. It’s who you know, everyone knows that’s how it works. As long as your son is grateful and stays grounded I see no problem. Anyone would do the same.

Sorry but why does every single thing we do in life have to be "admirable"?

Can you honestly say that every single thing you have done in life is "admirable"- have you never made a selfish decision, ever or considered your family before someone or something else?

Geez, there are so many morally superior high horses in this thread its like the grand national

You’ve done nothing wrong - you’ve helped him as best you can and he has worked hard. That is not unreasonable, that is life.

What I would say is that I personally would probably not sub him a great amount further because it will make him appreciate the rest of his life so much more if he gets used to managing on £40K. You only appreciate luxury when you’ve managed without, and it is a great luxury to not have to worry about money.

This will only be for a couple of years as the pay rises are quite high in the first five or so years.

Everyone needs a leg up. Mine came from a friend who had been to private school, got a graduate job, knew the firm were looking for similar people and recommended me as suitable. I’d never be where I am without that initial “in” , my family didn’t work in corporate and didn’t know anyone or how any of it worked. But I still did well by virtue of being clever and hardworking.

It's an interesting one as I wonder how will I deal with my own at university & 1st job etc.

I'd not be able to support like the Op & ref rent paid I don't think it's good for them either tbh.

I had no financial help but had the era of free university & we had living grants & I'm aware it's all different now, but working at uni & in summers I had no debts & 6 months of 2 jobs at once & almost no time off l, put enough in the pot for a years backpacking with a spot of working for 2 months while away.

No help with jobs etc no rents paid, I'm sure it all turned me into the person I became.

You haven't done anything wrong at all. Your 'friend' is jealous. Don't tell people these type of things.

It reminds me of 11 plus tutoring where parents say things like oh we are just doing a little familiarisation and are actually tutoring weekly from yr4 in background.
‘Simon’s’ done so well he’s got a work placement in London. Not mentioning dad has tapped up every contact and mum has arranged for him to stay free in her aunt’s flat.
If you aren’t part of that unwritten world it can be a shock when you realise how out of loop you are. It sounds like Op thought friend understood so spoke in an unguarded way.
Was ever thus. My wc dad started work in an accounts office week he turned 15 in 1950s. His uncle worked there. My grandma used to say Uncle didn’t get him the job. But I’d bet money when they saw application same surname in a small town they asked Uncle if he was decent lad.

So what? OP and her DH help their own kids not anyone else's.

I didn't say every single thing in life had to be afmirable ? Nor did I say that every single thing in my life is admirable. But there you go.

I can say that I have never had strings pulled for me and never used "connections" for my children. But, you do you

I agree with this, but in this case, he hasn't done a masters and he wasn't headhunted, so this doesn't apply to him.

11+ yes we started in year 4. We didn't want our DC going to the comprehensive with the those kids. They went to school with intelligent peers.

He got a well paying job..good on him..I feel no reason feel bad. He actually did well and got a role that he likes.

OP - these things don't have to be a zero sum game - you, your husband or your son could play it forward by helping another job seeker. There must be plenty of mentori g progranmes in London your son could get involved with.