AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Of course you will always love him. That isn’t the point.

Does he perceive that he must consider your reaction to he lives his life? You haven’t addressed how you would feel if he fell in love with a 25 year old waitress with three young children, or quit his job to put the £30,000 you are saving him towards a long sabbatical thinking about the meaning of life in Tahiti or building schools in Africa. More importantly, you have no way of knowing how much a fear of your opinion may be holding him back from whatever he might dream of.

This is often a dilemma to some extent, but it is much more likely when parents are providing ongoing financial support. It is cleaner to make a big gift or to promise one with no contingencies.

'Paying him for his placement in his 3rd year'! Most uni placements don't get paid at all - I definitely didn't get paid on mine, people were giving up their time to support my skill development, that was my 'pay'. You expected him to get paid before he had even graduated - should have done an apprenticeship if needed the money to live on.

But it’s hard to have empathy in the moment someone calling your son spoiled.

It's not though, is it? The job is to teach them to be independent and function well as adults.

OK, I'll bugger off now, but OP:

The next time there's a general election please remind your son of his privilege. Make sure he understands the advantages he's been given and that, for most young people, life is not that easy. Remind him to be humble and to think about how things might have been different without those leg-ups.

I'm not even a Labour supporter, but I think unfairness stinks.

If you've got the connections use them. Anyone who says they wouldn't is a liar.

Yanbu. This is how the world works.

You have not been unreasonable at all.
I have worked since I was 13 (Part time Saturday job) and then full time from 16 on a YTS (Showing my age now).

Every job I have got after that is via a connection in the industry that gave me a heads up or knowing somebody within the company. My CV speaks for itself however that old saying "its not what you know its WHO you know" really does come into play a lot of the time.

My son is at prep currently but I will certainly be assisting him if he needs/wants us too as we have done for our other children.

You’ve done what any good parent would have done. And I’d bet my house on it that your so-called ‘friend’ would have done exactly the same.

It’s all about you isn’t it!

I think placements and internships are generally paid now (albeit not well) to encourage social mobility. Otherwise only those with parents to support them can do them.

Year abroad especially if somewhere far flung is a big indicator of parental support. Most students don’t qualify for Turing funding. My dc has worked hard to get her place it was competitive but visa and flights alone will be several thousand. She understands it’s only financially doable thanks to our support.

There was a thread months ago where a poster was unhappy that their ex was basically letting their DD19 live without costs and paying for all rent and giving living stipend for her to do and be a band in Paris

A couple of people have said this young man needs a “lesson on how the world really is”. Does he? He’s high achieving, well connected, athletic and has parents who sound reasonably well off. His life will probably end up being pretty good. Even if he runs into some of life’s troubles, he hasn’t had to struggle and there’s no reason he can’t overcome them.

Likewise overseas debating trips and rowing - you see them as your son working hard but for the majority of kids those opportunities literally don’t exist whether they work hard or not

Must have cost a pretty penny too.

I voted YANBU because most people would have done the same.

However, your son was very silly to turn down that first job - I would not have been supportive of that in this climate. How did he fund a year of travelling? Also not sensible in this climate.

If he’d have taken the first job he’d have had a years worth of experience and probably a good pay rise by now so would be on more than this job.

I would not be paying his rent. He needs to learn to make batter decisions and stand on his own two feet now. Take the safety net away or he’ll jack it all in if it gets a bit tough.

We tried to use our contacts. It's sensible and how it is. It can help you get your foot in but you need to actually show you can do it.

Ridiculous to say this is nepotism and that its a modern thing. It isnt. Not what you know but who has been a thing for many years. Fathers got sons jobs in factorys for years and friends got others daughters into service because they knew the housekeeper. You have done nothing wrong at all. Connections are connections. Use what you have.

Yes but that’s you making the connections in your career not your parents.. At some point they need to make their own connections.

He could have worked job1 and looked for other stuff?

Sounds fun though - and a bit more interesting than starting a graduate job at only just turned 21 (which is what I did - because I needed to earn some money at that point). You’re only young for a short time.

I’d have a lot more sympathy if he hadn’t turned down the job he was offered on his own merits. I don’t care for nepotism.

Yep- I even got a lot of jobs in my 20s over others purely due to the way I looked (I used to do some modelling). Thats not exactly ethical either but I certainly took advantage of it, and anyone who says they wouldnt is a bloody liar.

Take no notice of the woman . Of course you dhould help your own particularly when they have helped themselves too rejoice in your son's resilience and don't worry about spoiling him thats not spoilt its called love

Well done, OP. I was on my own once I left home at 22. Parents paid my rent at uni and a bit of food but if I wanted to socialise/buy clothes etc. I had to earn, so i worked the whole time at uni. Didn't save and it got in the way of study.

Didn't save once working as all my money went on rent/bills/food etc. For some inexplicable reason I moved to London at 26 and almost went under. I was also in publishing. I had hardly any money. I remember crying to my parents on the phone and they reluctantly gave me rent money that
month. I got better but it was only when I moved in with my boyfriend and we pooled our money could I keep my head above water.

I'll be doing all i can to help my kids. Life is hard and shit at times and I want to make it easier for them.

If you had connections in your DCs dream field would you not help them?