AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Its lovely that you are in a position to help your son and that you have done so. He’s worked hard but he’s also been very fortunate to have had the opportunities to make the most of.

Companies ‘take advantage’ of workers every day. Millions of people in London - some no doubt working for the same firm - earn less than 30k, and have to support themselves and families, let alone ‘have fun’. You buy your groceries from supermarkets that exploit farmers here and abroad to sell produce and make millions. Of course you don’t want your son to have to suffer that indignity, but he’s unlikely to be any better a person than any of them. Just fortunate. Hopefully you’ve raised him to know that to and he will grow up to be independent and a good man, as well as enjoy himself.

I don't think that it was wrong to help him get that job. As you say, anyone would have done it for their child or perhaps their friend's child even. But I think that not being able to live in London on 35K as a young single person is a bit spoilt! Many young graduates get a room in a shared house for around 1,000 - 1,500 a month and have enough left over for a reasonable lifestyle.

I totally agree and my son is in a similar position. I was able to help him secure a paid internship for his 3rd year of uni and they offered a grad job. He earns £33k currently and until he can afford to he lives at home. Granted he’d prefer not to but whilst I don’t mind helping him a bit with rent I’ll be damned if I’m giving him £1400 a month despite it being affordable

i have zero interest and helping him out in finding another job because he perceives himself to be worth more than he’s being paid. If he thinks he can get more he can jolly well test his worth by looking around

As it is, I think that as a grad his £33k is perfectly reasonable. He’s learning and he’s getting great exposure. He’s likely to go up to mid £40’s later this year and expects to hit 6 figures within 5-7 years. The low ish salary is the start point not the end point

Unless they’re from absolutely nowhere near London ALL his friends are currently living back at home, even those on city salaries because not one of the (very affluent, and some super wealthy) parents has any interest or a desire to stump up for rent for their already extremely privileged darlings

You’re being had if he’s expecting to rent a place for £1.4K per month. Maybe it’s a place with all the luxuries of home but all my DCs’ friends are paying no more than £1.1k per month for a decent flat and are paying it themselves on a salary far less than your son’s. They’re still having a fabulous time in London.
I don’t think you can see the wood for the trees here. He’s had you paying all the way - let him stand on his own feet and learn to live within his means like the rest of the population. It’s be a kinder lesson for him.

I don't think it's unreasonable to help your children but it is wrong if you re-write history at a later date to claim your son is entirely self-made by his own hard work. He is obviously used to privilege, he turned down a graduate job paying 35k until you found him something better paid. In the meantime he lived at home, took a hobby job and then travelled. You are now going to pay rent. He's very lucky.

Someone from a far less privileged background who worked equally hard and achieved the same academic success would not share your son's advantages because their parents wouldn't have the connections to get them a job or the funds to pay rent in an expensive city where the best job opportunities are.

Help your son by all means but do not delude yourself that any success he enjoys is because he is uniquely talented or hardworking. He had a 10 mile head start in the marathon of life. You are right life isn't fair and that's just the way it is but your son should not confuse privilege with being special.

Millions of people live in London on 26K and below I don’t know what you’re trying to tell us but you’re preserving an elite and you’re happy to do that cause it’s your son
And that’s why nothing changes

"justice" ain't no way you're gonna stop someone giving their kids money

Cronyism/nepotism. Twas always thus.
She isn't unreasonable.
You deal with the hand you're given.

What's so crony. He got the interview due to a referral........ He did really well at the interview

You've done nothing wrong but it's important to recognise that you used your privilege no matter how hard your son has worked at getting things done for himself in the past.

We did the same so no judgement from me!

DS decided at the last minute that he didn't want to take his uni offer up and wanted to go straight into work. He decided he wanted to work in underwriting.

DH asked one of his clients in the insurance industry if he knew anyone taking on school leavers. The client introduced our son to the CEO of an underwriting company. The CEO was impressed with DS and told him to take some exams and recommended some courses to do.

He also offered him a paid internship for six weeks. There were no permanent jobs going there so he applied elsewhere once he had passed his first exam.

He got a job , beating a graduate with a first from a Russell group in the final interview round, thanks to the experience he gained doing that internship and because he had already passed his first insurance exam.

No i very much prefer to comment on this one thanks

Life isn't fair..

I had no idea some parents paid the rent bills of their kids..what a time to be alive

I’d do the same is that’s what DD wanted. DS would at cringe the idea of being helped by us ( he’s 18) works FT as a trainee chef, saved, bought a car etc and now saving for a house.

Good luck to your DS. 😊

Everything about this post is grim!

1. Assuming everyone would use unethical tactics just because you would.
2. Crying 'envy'. I'm a pp who objects to nepotism and the 'who you know, not what you know' culture. I'm not envious, though. My son got his job in a much more competitive field through his efforts alone. I've got nothing to envy - but I disapprove - so shoot me.
3. The sneery tone about people who don't have helpful contacts! Another pp suggested that parents are slacking unless they 'cultivate useful contacts'. Great. That's a nice basis for human relationships: how useful can you be to me and mine? Yuk. And I'm sure you know only too well that some people will never have the opportunity to 'cultivate useful contacts'.

This thread is really depressing. Yes, life's unfair, but hey! Our kids are OK>

No, that's the legal system - a narrow application of the concept of justice. (Social) justice is about fairness, equality and opportunity.

At uni yes, some people I know were helped out with rent by their parents, and they earnt money for going out etc during weekends, holidays etc. . I don't know a single person who had their rent paid once working, that is what seems the most crazy to me about this whole story.

This!

Parents are supposed to help their children. That's the job.

Cant beleive you are getting a bashing but then on mumsnet, youre not allowed to do well!
My son hasnt done half of what your son has, in fact he has scraped through school and college as he hated it. He is now working full time on minimum wage until he feels ready to take his next step (he has a plan).
We help him out, we actually helped him apply for jobs and took him to his interview. Ill always give my kids a leg up, whether that is using money or my connections, why would I let me son lose out so someone elses can get a job that I could have at least put him forward for? Youve done the right thing, I actually got my friends son an initial talk with someone where the job wasnt advertised...he got it, but very much off his own back from the initial introduction, if you dont know your stuff you wont get the job.it very much is who you know aswell as what you know

Why such anger? He did well at the interview and got the job. It came through contacts. So what? He actually did well and got through.

Why are you telling people, your friend, your DS's financial business? It isn't your place to tell others his salary.

You have done nothing (else) wrong - he applied for the job and was offered it in a competitive process.

But your whole perspective might be irritating your friend. The smugness of turning down above average grad salary, the ability to continue to offer help to the poor love earning £40k (which is actually perfectly doable in London).

It's fine to be privileged. But quit the 'poor me and my underpaid Ds' act.

Yes true. At some point ( and normally at least when you have a proper job), adults do have to stand on their own two feet.

I wonder if it’s more a thing now as parents are routinely paying dc’s rent at uni.
Many MC parents I know pay dc’s rent directly for uni as their dc only qualifies for minimum loan which doesn’t cover rent.
So they get in habit of paying £700 a month or whatever. Perhaps dc does a masters so they carry on. Then it doesn’t seem ridiculous to carry on paying when they are in their first trainee type job. I’m not there yet mine still at uni. A few years ago I’d have said no way but 3 years into paying rent it is just norm now.

Agree

I just think of the poor, hopeful job applicants filling in those forms only to find that someone whose dad knows the boss has already got the job and the whole recruitment thing is a farce.

All jobs, I think, except in very small family businesses, should be filled through open competition. I know it's hard - nay, impossible - to police that. Sharp-elbowed people will always find a way.

I have friends who I'm sure are very like OP. They have lots of contacts and their lives have been made smooth at every turn because of this. Their daughter, expelled from 3 private schools and a very difficult character, landed a fantastic job in a glamorous location. I just know that influence will have been involved but I don't want to know! I never ask and I hope they never tell me (they usually do - they think getting what they want through contacts is something to boast about). I really do not want my suspicions confirmed.

No envy here, I keep on emphasing. Son a Cambridge First from state schools and now a barrister - I'm not envious. Just someone who believes in fairness and grieves for all the clever, hard-working youngsters who miss out on opportunities because of greedy, privileged and entitled people.