AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Our mps are such poor quality nowadays because of the dismantling of the old school tie network in Favour of box ticking. It is spoken about by those such who were in parliament at the time of the new inclusivity measures.. they said that the level of discussion in the house plummeted as the new measures were rolled out.

It sounds like after the year in industry placement he knew it wasn’t a good fit for him and wanted to try for a different company.
You were able to support him in that choice.
If he had needed a graduate job then he would have had to take it and try and keep applying. With all the hoops of graduate recruitment living at home and working a little pt job enabled him to throw everything at applying.
He’ll probably live in narrow social bubble naturally gravitating to those from similar set up to him like his gf. Those peers paying student loan back and rent won’t be able to socialise in same way. He’s got £25000 a month to spend v them on same salary with £900. It means different hobbies, holidays etc.

There is no conditions all he has to do is do the things that he loves. Why would we care what he chooses to do about his girl friend? that is his choice. There are no conditions to our love and in helping him. I would be upset if he went into this new job and started causing chaos, or stealing etc but other than that he can live his life how he wants, we will always love him.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with what you have done and we will do the same for our children.

You didn’t get him the job. Your connections enabled him to find a firm that was currently recruiting. His degree, his internships, his extra-curriculars, his application and his interview(s) got him the job.

DH got his first law job at his dad’s law firm. No application or interview required. His second was at his friend’s dad’s firm working for a famous lawyer that catapulted his career. Again, no application or interview required. That is true nepotism.

It's not wrong but the fact you can't admit the elitism - you say you recognise the privilege but then your subsequent sentences indicate that actually, you really don't.

You and your family are in an extraordinary situation, and I'm not surprised your friend is bringing it up, especially as your attitude seems to be disingenuous bafflement that "every parent helps their child". That's true, but I'd hazard a guess that 95% of parents aren't able to help with rent, a job ("the job didn’t even exist on adverts" - yeah that means it was created for your son!) and all the other stuff. You seem to equate anything but the cushiest living situation to being "suffering".

Do what you like, it's not wrong, but don't be surprised when people have an opinion on it.

That’s good he doesn’t mind and kind of your husband to speak to your friend’s son.

Don't tell people stuff

When I read posts regarding arguments bewteen families, neighbours, friends and colleagues it often seems that the current fad of telling people so much of our private lives is at the bottom of it!

Well he gets an idiot award for turning that first job down for sure.

Reasonable/unreasonable, right/wrong, etc... what difference does it make, OP? You, your husband and your son have made your choices and it's abundantly clear from your hand-wringing defence that it wouldn't matter what anyone else thinks, you're not going to choose differently.

So honestly, what is the point of you not just broadcasting it to your less advantaged friend and her son, but to the whole of the Internet?!

I think we can guess, and if you can't be honest with yourself about your motives, then there might be something important that other people need to know about you and the way you operate in the world.

Your friend is just jealous that she isn’t able to do the same. Her jealousy isn’t your responsibility and you’ve done a great thing by helping your son. Life isn’t always fair and this time your son was the winner, maybe another time she’ll be able to provide something that you can’t 🤷‍♀️

Yep! A friend’s husband’s company require that candidates don’t list their school or university. He said that those with any sense write about things that they could only have done at Oxford (say).

It’s not what you know.. it’s who you know 🤷🏻‍♀️

Your son might have gotten the interview through nepotism, but if he wasn't qualified and able for the job I don't think they would have given it to him.
It's normal to ask friends/family if they know of any opportunities when you are looking for a job.

He is very privlidged and he does not need to apologise for it, he should however aknowledge it. If you have connections, use them. Most parents would. Those without connections have harder time, but that is just how the world works. There is no need to sacrifise your kids for "fairness".

Your mate is jealous and if she was in a position to give her own kid a leg up, she’d jump at it of course. People won’t wish you well when life gets tough. She’s shown her true colours though, so now you know what she’s like.

I’m sure most people would do the same for their children if they had the chance.

But god what chance do working-class kids have now? Is social mobility just dead in the water?

I really feel for the unemployed graduates waking up this morning, sending off more applications, facing more rejections, and comparing their lives to the polished versions of everyone else’s on social media.
If only people’s social media came with disclaimers: “My dad got me this job through his connections,” or “My parents pay my rent.” It might make those comparisons a little more honest.

I haven’t had a penny of help since I turned 18 from my parents when I moved out of home. Your son is very privileged. But I know many people from similar circles and the majority have their high paying jobs thanks to their parents connections. It’s unfair but then that’s life.

I have never earnt that in my life and I’m now a single mum of two. Their dad earns 6 figures. He too like your son got a job with the help of his parents. Meanwhile I just stood at the checkout unable to even pay for my food shopping. I felt mortified.

Very much agree with this. There is a great sense of achievement in knowing you earned what you have yourself, that you got your job only on merit (not partly), that you bought your own house through hard work and saving. Having this opportunity taken away from you isn't always helpful long term

My parents weren't well off when I was young, by the time I was 30 my Dad was a millionaire - through hard work and building up a great reputation. I would never have dreamed of asking him to pay my rent once working, or contribute towards my house deposit, and they didn't offer as they could see I was perfectly capable. My brother on the other hand has struggled due to his disability, and they did help him with a house deposit. I count myself privileged that I was able to provide for myself, that I didn't need help, that my parents saw me as capable of achieving highly without their help.

That's what I find confusing - OP raves how brilliant, smart, hard working etc her son is, but then doesn't see him as capable of finding his own job, or paying his own rent, so they needed to step in.

You support when someone is struggling and unable to do something on their own, not when they are doing well.

Why are you paying his rent if he was so determined to get a better salary? I think it's time he learnt some independence.

There’s some initiatives like internships reserved for certain social mobility categories. 93% club. But yes in field I know it’s still very heavily dominated by people with parents in profession or connections.

I think justice is a thing that you get if someone commits a crime against you. I am not sure that the OP’s husband ringing his mate counts.

Out of nosiness, does the friend now think that you owe her in some way, OP? Because that is quite annoying.

Parents do all sorts of things to help out their kids. Paying rent, giving them a deposit to buy the first flat, setting up a pension when they are born, paying into a junior ISA to cover university fees. Riding lessons, sailing lessons, sport at the weekend (there’s a reason children who play sport at county level are often middle class). Hell, I associate being able to swim well with having grown up middle class (I taught myself to doggy paddle aged 10 as neither of my parents knew how to swim).

Why would you want to rant?

If I walked past someone living on the street who told me they thought it was unfair I had so much that they didn't, I probably wouldn't think to come on Mumsnet and rant about it.

Your friend is unhappy that there is so much unfairness in the world when it comes to even getting a foot on the ladder in the job market. This can hugely affect a young person's life chances. What you are doing perpetuates these inequalities. That's no comment on whether this kind of assistance is a natural thing for a parent to do (I think it is). Just a bald statement of fact.

You recognise that your son is privileged (as were you) but seem to think your friend is unreasonable for feeling aggrieved and pointed out a simple fact. You also seem to think he 'deserves' these privileges and advantages because he is a hard worker - completely overlooking the fact that other youngsters will have worked equally hard, if not harder, but never be afforded the same opportunities because their parents don't have the contacts. No doubt years from now, you and your son will tell people that he got wherever he did in life purely on the basis on merit and hard work alone.

I think your friend should stop wittering on about it now and you should be far more circumspect in what you tell people about your son't salary and how he came by his job. Unless he's given you explicit permission to speak about it, his salary is a private matter.

Sorry, duplicate post.

Well it’s not “fair” is it, but who wouldn’t help their child in this way if they could?