AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

He really does sound entitled! God forbid he has to do a job he doesn’t like for less money, or commute, or live in an ‘undesirable’ area.

You said you were made redundant. How does it feel when you are looking for a job, knowing it’s been given to someone else just because they had a family connection? I can certainly see your friend’s point of view. She just wants what is best for her son, as you do yours.

In this case it's the old school tie as the father's wentbto school together. Been part of English society for decades and not likely to change.

Sounds like he actually did well in the interview

I think you did what most parents would do given the chance and the fact that your son benefited from your connections is inherently unfair. The two things aren't mutually exclusive 🤷‍♀️

Your son might have worked hard but don't pretend that his upbringing and background didn't give him a leg up. My dad grew up in poverty and managed to become successful. One thing I'm really grateful for is that he raised me to understand my privilege and not assume I'm somehow better or more hardworking than people who didn't get the same support or opportunities as me.

Trouble is you probably live in a bit of a bubble with other privileged people creating an echo chamber. Some of the key words in your post like Durham Uni, rowing, debating etc is from a world many people don't relate to or have access to. That doesn't mean they didn't work hard or deserve a chance. You just sound a bit tone deaf about it all.
Up to you if you have that much money to support your child well into adulthood but some will say you are spoiling him. You threw the cultural reference in quite late in the thread and it is a bit cherry picking! I don't know why you don't just subsidise the rent rather than pay it all. When does he learn to budget, stand on his own two feet, not rely on mummy and daddy to get him more than others? I doubt he does truly understand how lucky he is if he mixes in those circles and has the sort of family that can do these things, it gets normalised.

OP’s DS sounds a good example of a YP consistent with the stronger students in my School, of whom I have a fairly wide experience.

OP’s behaviour sounds reasonable or generous at first glance, though her friend’s reaction is also understandable - all the more so because it is true. We see examples in the placements of graduates every year. This doesn’t mean I fault OP or DH; I don’t, although it may have been tactful to keep quiet.

The issue I have is that IME with students the type of generosity OP and her DH are showing usually comes with hidden conditions. What happens to the financial support if DS decides to take a life turn you think a bad idea? What if he ditches this GF for someone you think unsuitable? He is so young that statistically they are very unlikely to become permanent.

Even if you don’t threaten to withdraw financial support, the possibility is always in the background and everyone knows it.

Even worse from the perspective of his personal development, what if the only reason DS doesn’t decide to spend six months expanding his consciousness in Asia or volunteering with an NGO in Africa or taking up with an unsuitable girl is the fear of your disapproval? Because he’s come to believe that he relies on you financially, from fear of the perfectly ordinary experience of living like a new graduate.

Long experience of personal tutees strongly inclines me to reject out of hand any parent’s claim that this type of reasoning is only for other families, because they know their DC so well. A child who sounds too good to be true almost always is. (Of course such a child can be wonderful. But problem free? That’s very different.)

In a nutshell, I think PP accusing those with concerns here of wanting to see DC suffer pointlessly are missing the main idea. The only realistic way to support DC financially without the perception of concomitant control is with big gifts or trust funds that cannot be rescinded or cut off. Even then, the question of how to cultivate resilience rears its head but that is for another thread.

Rich people are always able to dodge tax. Poorer graduates are the ones that will have to pay it. Or maybe poor people just shouldn’t get a degree?
I’m sorry your privilege (and your son’s privilege) makes you feel uncomfortable when your friend points it out to you.
You are winning at life. Just be grateful for it and let those less fortunate have a moan if they want to.

I'm not actually offended, and I don't think most of us are. It's the way ofvthecworld and we get it, but OP seemed surprised her friend whose son was also looking for a job seemed a bit upset.

Why would anyone want to do a job they dislike for less money if they can get a better paying job?

Anyone would have done the same thing in your situation.

Stop discussing a grown man's salary though?! MIL is always desperate to know DH's salary (we're in our 30s now) but this is exactly why he doesn't tell her. It becomes fodder for chat with any and all friends when it's private information.

And cash.

Two things can be true at once. Yes you're right, that is how the world works. Yes your (ex) friend is right, it isn't fair. Help your son all you want but don't brag about it to people who don't have your network and don't pretend your son got the job on his own.

It's not called envy. It's called wanting justice.

He didn't know when he turned down the poorer paying job (and OP says the pay was the reason and not the job) that he would get another one. The graduate job market is very difficult right now (as noted by OP's friend, and in fact DS himself if he's been looking since December). Lots of graduates are jobless or taking minimum wage jobs. Turning down a good job in the right field is a huge luxury that most don't have.

Does your son know you’ve shared his business with a friend I know my young adult dd wouldn’t be happy with that.
I think having the recognition of how you have helped is a good conversation to be having with him.
So all those things you mentioned like him rowing each morning no doubt involved lifts from you, going abroad for sports or debating or UN would have cost money.
Internships at uni - only doable because he wasn’t needing to work all hols to afford uni and no doubt you paid for accommodation in London etc.
The turning the job down - he had the luxury of somewhere to live at home rent free and time to look for something better, funds to go travelling so his cv wasn’t blank.
I’m not saying wrong to do what you did, we very much try to help our dd to launch.
Myself and my husband really try to pay it forward eg speaking to students.
DH often says my mum didn’t have a clue (single parent deprived town) and he wants to ensure DD gets support. You only have to look at higher education board on here or wiwikau to see how much scaffolding is going on behind scenes.
Degree apprenticeships were very noticeable area where those with parental involvement did well. Eg taking children to pt jobs and volunteering so they had it on cv. Paying for qualifications like lifeguard. Often child has gone to a job in company or field parent works in so whilst still jumping through interview hoops it was very much from a position of inside knowledge.

Rant about what exactly?

You've done nothing wrong and are aware of the immense privilege your son continues to receive. This level of support is way beyond many people's experience though so, while I wouldn't gripe about it personally, I would find it very comparing it to my own experience or that of my daughter.

I suppose looking at the bigger picture we need to find ways for the talented and hardworking children who lack financial and networking support to have more opportunity. Without taking it from others.

That way we will all be richer.

Because we all have to start somewhere (unless of course you have someone pulling strings).

I don’t undertand the logic of him turning down a genuinely offered, on his own merit, 35k job just over an extra 5k.

However, totally on board with you doing the best you can for your child. We go to what others would consider to be crazy lengths for ours!

I’m always sceptical about how any companies can truly recruit university blind. It’s usually blindingly obvious where someone has been eg president of a college team - narrows it down to a college based uni, Roman law yr 3 module they haven’t been to low ranking ex poly etc, 3 A star at A level unlikely to have been to a uni raked 100th.
We don’t recruit blind and I see hundreds of graduate CVs for entry level and I can usually tell.

He then got the job that was a better fit and good on him

You’re kind parents. Lots of people with similar privilege don’t help their kids financially to this extent. I would say, you can be proud in your decision making whilst still handling things sensitively with your friend. You disagree but your friendship can get past this.

Yeah he knows which is why DH is in talks with some of his friends and has had a word over the phone with my friend's son to see what type of role he is looking for, sent him his CV and they will be meeting up next week to have a chat. My son doesn't mind, he was happy for me to even share his number with my friend's son

Am i not allowed to rant? If you do not like my rambles you are able to click off it

We are not dodging tax by paying his university fees, the money we gave him was solely just rent money in fact we did not even give it to him physically we just paid the rent. He had a part time job throughout University, before he started he went up to Durham on his own and handed his CV in town and said he is coming in Sept and interested in part time roles at restaurants and cafes. He had a cafe job lined up before he even started University.