AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

I don't think people are offended so much as surprised she doesn't understand that privilege and nepotism are not attractive and definitely won't win you friends unless they are acknowledged in a way that shows you understand your privilege. OP posts as if the whole world is like this when in fact only the privileged behave like this because they can and yes maybe everybody would behave like that in that position but the fact that op has made a thread about it and keeps doubling down shows she neither understand nor acknowledges it

I started the thread to rant. You do not need to view the thread if you do not like it

My mom helped me get two jobs she rang her friend she knew was recruiting and said my daughter has applied she interviewed me i got the job fair and square when that company went under she spoke to another friend do you have any jobs my daughter is looking? he agreed to interview me i got that job fair and square too parents help their children there is nothing wrong with that

Any parent will give their kids up a leg up if they can. As long as that kid can be fired if they're shit its not an issue IMO.

What is an issue is when companies keep absolute idiots employed because of who their mother or father is. That is what takes the piss.

We don't charge rent at all. Will never.

So quit with the boasting then. If your son has anything at all about him, he would be absolutely mortified that you are doing all this.

Yes rant but understand that telling your pals your networking circle re career progression and finances can come across as showing off.

Our dc didn't ever pay 'rent'. None of our friends or family know this it never came up, nor what allowances we've given them over the years.

Some info is private so stop oversharing with people who aren't in a similar position to you.

Again he applied and did the interview and they thought he was good enough to get the job

Ye. Still with the OP

Why ask if you don’t like what you hear.

Say nothing next time OP.
Camparison is the joy thief.
The youngsters all know how very hard it is to find a job after Uni - they all got the ‘speech’ and the stats ready before they started - it’s rare to get the right job quickly.

Inhindsight perhaps friends Son should’ve got a job and worked his way up. Nothing wrong with that. So many with degrees - it’s 2 a penny.

I’m sure your son has worked very hard. (Private school too?)

But millions and millions of people work hard. And get nowhere.

You surely can see the injustice of networks and influence?

However, that’s life. It’s unfair and tough.

But please don’t be self righteous.

It doesn't sound like an advertised job tbf his dad asked his friend if there was any "openings" so yes he is likely to get through interview.

Just don’t tell people when you have helpful contacts. People without helpful contacts will attack you. It’s called envy. If they had helpful contacts, they’ d use them.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You used the contacts you have. In the future you might be wise to keep your cards close to your chest.

What we are talking about here is social capital - which includes the ability to network and use the soft skills you have. In other words the ability to get out and hustle. Its not only professional people who have contacts. People in trades also have a range of contracts, often within the family. They may be able to offer an apprenticeship or even just some work experience to boost a young persons cv. Im not in a position to employ anyone but I arranged work experience for two of my nieces in the past. Both of them went on to get jobs and I know my references were helpful.

When I was a mature student my prof offered me a research job that was never advertised. I worked my ass off to get a first and he had been impressed with my performance. It helped to fund the first year of my masters and boosted my research profile. At a later stage he supported me for a research fellowship in the USA. Am I supposed to feel bad because I was the same age as my prof and we had a very different relationship (albeit a strictly professional one) because of that? I had a huge advantage over my fellow students in terms of life and work experience and I used it shamelessly.

He had an initial talk and was referred lots of jobs have referral schemes. Not all companies advertise their roles, sometimes people are even head hunted

I think it’s quite rude of the friend to tell the OP to her face that her son has been raised to be spoiled. I hate the word “spoiled” - lots of people are spoiled in some way, I know I am.

I have known people who have had no help from their families nor friends and they’ve done well. But if they have a chip on their shoulder about it, it can come across as less than charming.

Our political scene is a perfect example of nepotism in action, probably goes some way to explaining why many of our MPs are of such poor quality. That bothers me far more than the situation the OP talks about.

this is simply using your network, people give their friends referrals that come up in their companies all the time.

My son is looking for this sort of job.
We don't have connections.
He's working in a shop for the time being but it's really hard to keep positive. Him and me.
X

I agree that any parent would do the same if they could. It's not just the wealthy who can do this. I live in a rural area. Kids in my DCs cohort from farming families had guaranteed jobs when they left school. Those who's parents were in trades got jobs or apprenticeships through their parents connections.
DH and I don't "know" the right sort of people so couldn't do that but I wouldn't hesitate if I could. We do give them money though.

@OneMerryFinch

You are entitled to make the parenting choices you think are right. Just be aware of the opportunities you are denying your son as well as the ones you’re providing.

I did my undergraduate at a uni that was mainly populated by privileged young people whose parents would have thought nothing of paying their rent when they were grown adults earning more than the average wage.

I dated a few of them. I’m still in touch with some of them now. Some of my friends married them. I went a different way. Let’s just say there are different measures of success and I don’t regret my choices….

Is it any different to a builder or a plumber getting their son a job in the trades?
X

No. You have done what most people would do in your position.
It is shit for the people who don’t have the connections, but such as life.
Working class graduates or those without connections have to do it the harder way without any help or privilege.
If they advertised the position someone without connections may have stood half a chance.

Your son is very lucky. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that your friend is cheesed off, because in black and white it’s nepotism isn’t it. Although I would privately think it and wouldn’t have vocalised it I think. Your son has also been very lucky that he can pick and choose between salaries at this stage in his career. People from less well off backgrounds simply can’t do that and have to work up based on their own talent or take jobs that aren’t ideal and hustle to get where they want to be. You’re also paying his rent so I’m getting a Little Lord Fauntleroy vibe

That was more serendipity though. Your son happened to be Johnny on the spot and went for it. It could have been anyone who told him about the job. You didn't approach people yourselves on his behalf.

He got the interview itself and they thought he was good enough at interview to hire him. If the job wasn't advertised, how was anyone else going to get it.