AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong helping our son get his first full time job in London?

[OneMerryFinch]

Our eldest graduated last year with a First in Economics and Maths from Durham. We were incredibly proud of him because he worked very hard. Worked very hard through school, did lots of work experiences, debating abroad, rowing, essentially seized every opportunity he’s not lazy at all.

While at university he found all of his internships himself and also secured a year-long placement. They offered him a graduate role afterwards on £35k in London, but he didn't want to go back to the place. They gave him a wonderful reference despite out son being very honest saying that the pay was not great and that’s the reason. DH also thought that salary was poor for London given the cost of living.

After graduating he did another summer internship, then went travelling. When he came back in December he was living at home and working in a local farm shop. I arranged that job because I've known the owners all my life (I actually worked there myself as a teenager).

He was applying for graduate jobs but wanted to move to London without being completely skint. His girlfriend already lives there. She earns around £30k in publishing but her parents pay her rent, so she's able to save and enjoy herself.

DH asked around among people he knows. His own company couldn't take him because they prefer graduates with some experience, but one of DH's friends said they had a suitable role and encouraged him to apply. He was offered the job on £40k. We've also offered to help him with his rent while he's getting established.

My friend’s son is a similar age and has been struggling to find graduate work. She asked how our son got his job and what the salary was. I answered honestly.

Now she's saying we've raised him to be spoiled, that it's unfair he got a job through connections, and that other young people don't have those opportunities.

My view is that he earned his degree himself, found all of his internships and placement himself, got excellent references, and had already proved he could do the work. Yes, DH's friend opened a door, but surely that's what networking is? Plenty of jobs are filled through recommendations, especially when someone is trusted.

Why can’t we just help our own son. It’s not as though he took the job from someone else, the job didn’t even exist on adverts. It’s how people get jobs, my first job after graduating my dad got me the job in London in the 90s and then I worked my way. It’s not as though he got me every single job.

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair. We are aware the world isn’t fair that’s why we are using our connections. Everyone just wants the best for their kids it’s not done maliciously.

AIBU to think we've done nothing wrong?

Why does he need to 'knuckle down' though if his parents have money. He travelled, expanding his horizons and his life experience.

I don't think you owe your friend and explanation at all about how your son got his job. It's pure sour grapes on her behalf and I'm sure if she had the same opportunities for her son, she would grab them with both hands. Talk about raining on your sons parade. He worked hard and did everything right to get a good graduate position. The fact the position was within a company contact of your husbands, is irrelevant. Do not let this friend ruin your sons achievments. It will be entirely on his own ability that he succeeds in this career. Your friend has completely the wrong attitude and this, in turn, will not help her son to find a position at all.

Then you are bringing up a child with no resilience. I’m starting to think this is not a genuine thread at all.

Why do you want children to struggle into early adulthood and yes I consider 22 to be an early adulthood.

He has always done well in school, state school educated, waking up at 5am most mornings since he was about 11 to row, has been to America to row, has won lots of debating competitions, went to the UN (no we did not get him this opportunity he applied) maths competitions, his three internships at University he applied and got those himself, his work experience at 15 he applied and went and worked for an MP, summer school at Oxford, he applied, went to the interview and was offered a place, neither I or Dh went to Oxford so we don't have connections there so many things he has done. He is incredibly privileged he can be both hardworking and privileged. I have not said other grads are not hardworking, there's probably lots of people more hardworking than him, there's always someone who has done more.

He did not just get the job, Dh asked around, he got referred, its a company that allows referrals, he got interviewed, he had to do a technical test etc. Dh didn't just say his son was looking for work then he got hired. It is in an industry that he is interested in.

People are saying he hasn't done any hard work, I think he has but hard work is subjective. I think he is an impressive young man who will turn out very well and make us very proud based on his previous actions.

It's a bit overkill, no?
I have been fooled a lot lately.😀

i cant believe he turned down £35k because it’s not enough

wow! Risky move but it’s paid off. Hopefully he loves the job and has a successful career there

The world just isn’t fair, why should our son have to suffer just because the world isn’t fair
Of course you're going to help your children. You haven't done anything wrong but you lost me there. How is your son suffering? Even if he only found a job of his own accord, that wouldn't be suffering would it?

It's as bad to make statement like this as people saying you were wrong to help!

Totally normal to let friends/ family/acquaintances know if your company had a vacancy

nothi g about that is cheating

So that he didn’t take a £40k job from someone more deserving.

By not making them pay rent ? I do not have any friends who would make their children pay rent
My father is Indian that is not our culture, only my mum is english

Of course you should help your son if you can! Does your friend actively not help her son? I doubt it. She's just not as effective at it as you.

Many congratulations to your son. He has done amazingly well and secured a wonderful
jib off his own back. You must be very proud.

You have no idea whether anyone else would have been more deserving or not. He has a first class degree so could potentially have been the best candidate anyway. He held out for a better paying job - people do that all the time. More people need to understand their value in the workplace.

I'm sure any parent would do the same in your position yanbu

You haven't done anything wrong in helping your DS but sharing what is family business is never a good move.

I was going to say something like this. I can’t imagine refusing to help my children (or my friends’ children) because of principles.

I remember Gwyneth Paltrow being asked whether she was a nepo baby. She said that being well connected got her in front of the right people earlier than she would otherwise have … but once she got there, she had to be by far the best in audition otherwise her career would have been over right away.

Not every culture makes their children pay rent. In some cultures that is far from the norm. My father would laugh if he heard I was charging his grandchildren rent. He is Indian he came here aged 5 but was brought up by my grandparents who grew up in India. My husband is English and knows that in other cultures this isn't the norm, his siblings children have to pay rent which I always found odd.

This!

Sounds like a great worker. Did he want to go to Oxford for uni?

I have to say, @OneMerryFinch, my sympathies are very firmly with your friend now. Do we really need to know all about your son's rowing and debating successes? I mean, we could all come on here and list our children's achievements but the vast majority of us don't. It looks very much as if you started this thread purely to brag.

If the friend keeps mentioning this, I would not see her for a bit. Apart from anything, you are meant to enjoy seeing your friends.

Yes he really did but was rejected after Interview. He applied for PPE which is highly competitive

I mean - he's privileged - but you know that, youre on here asking because you perhaps know its not fair or right, and your friend has a point -however, the world isnt fair most of the time, and i say this as a mum of 2 who go to private school. I I didnt, and i had zero doors opened for me, i just got really lucky by meeting the right people in my second job and the ability to get on well with people. I am only where i am today because of luck - no one helped me.

She’d have done exactly the same.
YANBU.
Why wouldn’t you help your son as much as you can?

As a teenager, I could never get a job in any of the local supermarkets despite being intelligent, very polite and presentable etc.
All the jobs went to those who already had family/friends working there.

Everyone knew it and talked about how their auntie got them a job.
Yes, it really stung but I just accepted it and kept trying.

It’s just how the world works. It would be a foolish person who didn’t use it to their advantage.

My local groups are full of posts advising of new positions and roles, that can interest local people, from first jobs to part-time mum to regular full-time jobs. If they can't recruit that way first, they'll start advertising.

That's pretty normal to mention people you know and to people you know.

It takes time and it's very expensive to recruit, might as well take someone you know.